Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

[Collectivethoughts]

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

Go to the restaurant you want to go to on your birthday.

Do not invite your mother, invite people you like and who you have fun with.

YABU to cancel your booking and go elsewhere because she complained. Particularly as she was prepared to pay that much for other friends. Turn down her breakfast offer (unless you want to eat out twice in one day) stick to your original plan and go without her. “Oh such a shame you can‘t join me mum, never mind, next time hopefully”

If she has form for making things about herself, then I’d be pleased that she wasn’t coming.

Go without her - why do you keep beating yourself up about her just because she’s your Mum??
I would put a bit of distance between you both and then perhaps you’ll get on better on the rare occasions you do see her. At the moment she is manipulating you and you’re allowing her to do so …..make a change and take control.

I'm going to go against the grain apparently, but in my opinion you were both unreasonable to a point.
You were absolutely entitled to pick the restaurant you wanted for your birthday, but not to require mandatory attendance from your family.

Your mother told you from the get go that she had an issue with the place you chose, she also offered alternatives that didn't involve you changing the restaurant and you declined.

The fact that she went a few weeks before or had other plans with friends is irrelevant, she had committed to those expenses and you don't get a say on how she spends her money.

You can be offended that she spends more with her friends rather than you, or that she doesn't comply with your birthday wishes, but to me it's a surprising reaction from a grown up adult...

She’ll treat you better once you consistently stick to boundaries. Don’t change the restaurant, don’t have the breakfast.

ETA, this is a her problem and not about you at all.

Why didn’t you stick to your original restaurant choice and breakfast with your DM.
Hi daughter I don’t like your restaurant choice so can we do breakfast instead?
Ok mum that sounds good, let’s meet for breakfast and I’ll see all the others at the restaurant of my choice for dinner.

Yep she sounds like a twat (as you charmingly put it)....but old? What that's got to do with it? You'll be old one day (if you're lucky enough to get there)

It sounds like you would pay for yourself and your son, and she would pay for herself? So, if she thinks this place for lunch is outside her budget but she can afford breakfast at the place she suggested - honestly I think that’s fair enough.

Having said that, this is clearly not about this birthday meal and there’s a lot of backstory. It can be difficult to cut apron strings, especially when the parent isn’t allowing you to. But you have to be bold otherwise you’ll be held hostage until she dies (and it only gets worse as the years go on). You have to be in control of your life, confident in your choices and Co didn’t you will be fine without her. Otherwise you’re living someone else’s life, not yours. You must feel shackled and imprisoned being subject to her preferences.

Thanks, I am alot more detached from her than i used to be. I know not to rely on her for anything anymore. She is very self centred. I know what she is like, just hurtful still though.

She did not say it was too expensive when they went and actually said it was one of the best roasts they have had.

Lol i have made appears here over the years. Not for a while though

So what are you going to do @Collectivethoughts ?

Do what your Mother wants...or what you want?

Have a think about the direction you want your life to go.... always doing what she wants... or choosing to do what you want...

Thanks for your kind words, you are right. Yes it was only when I had my son I began seeing that the way my parents were was not nice.

My therapist sympathises and understands the way I am now is because of my upbringing from my parents. She's working with me to strengthen my boundaries in all areas of my life.

Since I was born basically

Trust me they are not strapped for cash. They went to london last week spent 500 (she told me this) went for these expensive meals, my dad retitled the living room with expensive floor tiles to place his prize possession on them.

I am better at speaking up to them now but yes it has been difficult and often I had felt pressured by their influence to do certain things etc.

After reading all these comments (thanks to most) I do feel more empowered to tell my mum that actually I want to go to the original restaurant.

I went to see my sister earlier and went had a good rant about our mum. Made me feel better

BOOK YOUR RESTAURANT NOW!!!
You can do it!!!

You are ALLOWED to do it!!

You are not being unreasonable but if you have friends or even a close friend take them to the restaurant instead and when your mum asks why you cancelled the meal with her say you are now going with your friends as she didn’t want to go! I have had similar things with relatives.

Hugs...narcissistic parents suck ass!

You’ll have a better time without her by the sounds of it. Stick to your choice.

Why change the venue? You are having counseling and said she figures in it -she quite possibly knows this and yet she carries on. For goodness sake live your life and if she wants to be part of it its your decision as to how she does it.

I agree with every sentiment here, you won’t look back. Protect your own happiness, time to put yourself and your DS first. Happy birthday!

This, She’s saying jump & you’re asking how high? Stop allowing her to have the power, & enjoy your birthday on your terms xx

Hi, this sounds exactly like my mum. One birthday a few years ago, I invited her to pizza express as I’d get a free bottle of fizz for my bday. She said she wouldn’t come unless we changed the restaurant (she’d eaten there before so it wasn’t a big deal!). I wanted her to come (with me, my partner and son), so changed it. We collected her, I paid for her and we dropped her home- very little thanks (as per usual). We are no longer in contact (after a big fall out after we decorated her kitchen for free and my partner took time off work and installed a new kitchen at cheap rates). Tbh life is more peaceful without her….