Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

[Collectivethoughts]

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

Either way is fine, plenty of people don’t have money to treat 10 people to a £50 plus per head meal.

Don’t change the restaurant to suit her go where you want to and tell her that she doesn’t have to come if she doesn’t want to it was an invite not a summons.

What goes around comes around. If you can't afford to treat people to a celebration you're organising, then you shouldn't be organising it. An invite is someone asking you to something they are throwing. Otherwise it's just a dinner date where everyone has a say in where you go and how much you spend.

Cool.

You do you, grammarninja

This sounds very similar to my experience with v v narcissistic parents. They did of course birth me purely to serve them, so they expected me to end up paying for everything and giving my life up for them, basically. It’s like a deep rooted resentment of having to pay for and sacrifice for us when we were children. Narcissist logic hey. Your mum repeatedly saying “it’s too expensive” despite her being able to afford sounds like she’s trying to manipulate you into offering to pay for the entire meal. I wouldn’t, as it starts the precedent that will only escalate and never end.

And here’s the perfect opportunity to strengthen those boundaries my love!
”I’ve thought about it Mum and I really do want to go to * I totally understand if you can’t make it though. We’ll catch up another time. Breakfast, oh no sorry I can’t that day”.

@mrpenny it's a quote from a programme 🙄

I am appalled with the mentality (seen in UK and I am from EU, we don't do that!!!!!) inviting people for a birthday lunch expecting them to pay for themselves. This is an absolute rubbish. No wonder people have a problem with it. I would not force my parents to pay for their lunch when it's my birthday.

Well that’s how most of us do it here. When you’re talking £200 plus for a table of 5, I don’t know too many people who would accept the invitation with the expectation that the birthday girl foots the bill!

No wonder the relationships are not tight here. Maybe you have a thing or two to learn from us. We invited, we pay. Please tell me you don't expect a gift after a person suppose to pay for their own meal? We get gifts though, you know. Next time you are invited, you bring a gift, someone else takes care of the bill so yes, it's much nicer and calmer than everyone being upset before even attending.
But relationships with our family and friends are much tighther, I see a difference from UK and home.

We don’t need rules in our family. Here are examples of how family meals have worked for recent 60th’s with my inlaws

DSIL 60th, meal out, she doesn’t have much money so we all pay for ourselves and her meal.

DSIL, she pays for a birthday meal for everyone as people paid for accommodation to celebrate the weekend with her.

DBIL, we pay for our own meal and his meal as he treated us to accommodation for his birthday celebration.

DH, we’re paying for accommodation and the birthday meal (plus another dinner and two breakfasts) as we can afford to do it.

As far as I know everyone is happy even though there’s no set pattern.

The same sort of things happen with my various friendship groups and I would never ever accept any payment from my adult DC no matter who invited who.

You’re incredibly condescending and rude. My children are dual passport holders so I know what it is to have to acclimatise to a different country/culture. I know if I went to DH’s country and started criticising the way they do things, it would not go well! Good luck!

This is nothing to do with a culture. And I'm not rude, but realistic. My husband and me are both foreigners in UK (and we are both coming from different countries). So yes, we both understand the UK culture. We are not the only ones with opinion I just shared. And if not bother to pay for your parents or friends when you are inviting them for your birthday, oh, such a culture, must say! (and to teach my son who has UK citizenship too, to definitely not adopt this part of culture)

No, you don’t have to say.

Our extended family are visiting tomorrow - we’re going out for dinner and we’re paying. They don’t even know we’re going out yet. But what other people choose to do is really none of your business and doesn’t require your input. I think in America the custom is to treat the person whose birthday it is? That’s sounds like a nice custom to me. And even if it didnt, so what? Why do you think people need your righteous condemnation?

When was the last time you booked a table for 7 and paid the entire bill yourself, just out of interest?

Sigh. Different cultures (and indeed, different families) have different customs when it comes to celebrating birthdays with families and friends. This does not mean that relationships in one culture are less warm and less authentic as a result. I would have expected @Mayana1, as someone who is familiar with multiple cultures, to be less judgemental about cultural norms that differ from her own... but never mind.

The conversation about who pays in which culture is actually a red herring on this thread, though. The real point of the thread is that you have a mum who doesn't seem to care about making her daughter happy on her birthday. That's the problem, and that's the sad bit here. Not who is paying for whom.

For what it's worth, my own DM always insisted on paying for everyone, but for her, this was a method of exercising control and imposing her own choices on everyone else. I would have preferred a mum who let her adult DC pay for themselves, but didn't criticise their choices.

Everything depends on context and individual family dynamic really. I hope the OP has a good birthday!

The flipside is we don't have to force our relatives to celebrate with us by paying for them. I wonder how many of yours would bail on the invite if they were expected to contribute? Instead, here in the UK we happily foot our share of the bill because the whole point is to toast our friends on their birthday, not leave them bankrupt with a £££ bill.

I would not have changed my booking to suit her. She sounds very controlling. I would have stuck with the restaurant that I had booked and if she refused to come for whatever reason, then that’s on her, not you. Now you feel bad about yourself because you have let her have control over you. Next time, stick to your plans and feel better about yourself.

Mel Robbins has a book about this ‘Let them’ you can’t control their behaviour just your response. Treat yourself for your birthday !

And have a lovely birthday

It kinda does have something to do with culture because you originally pointed out it is different in the EU. Therefore is a cultural difference. Mostly I’d say people go out with the expectation to split the bill and sometimes you may pay for the birthday person or buy them a drink or two. But let’s face it, in the UK we love an opportunity to eat, drink and be merry. As for gifts, possibly, if they are a really good friend or maybe some flowers/bottle of wine, but on the whole I’d say we don’t bother (unless you are one of those performative mum groups who pass gifts splendidly wrapped to each other on the school playground!).

My son spends 50% with his dad so when it's my turn to have him I don't want to go out. My parents would have him if i asked but it would be a massive deal and my mum would make a fuss about it.

So, why can’t you go out during the 50% of time when you don’t have him?

Hope you got the meal you wanted @Collectivethoughts ! X