Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

[Collectivethoughts]

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

I voted YABU because you are indulging your mother’s bad behaviour. Don’t be a martyr and don’t teach your mother to throw tantrums.

It sounds like you have a sister so hopefully she can join you for the meal at the restaurant if your choice. I would say to your mum how you really want to go there and will be booking a table. If they want to come then they need to let you know as currently you only booking a table for 3 for your child, sister and yourself.

Ime the best and really only thing you can do is let go. Your mum is being difficult for the sake of it? Say “ok, we can catch up another time” and then continue with your original plans. Stop pandering, stop letting her get to you and stop letting her spoil things. She can’t ruin your birthday if you don’t let her. I accept you do have to fake it til you make it. But once you do stop giving a shit it’s both liberating and healing.

In your position I would just go to the restaurant and leave it open for her to join you if she wants.
I did wonder if your mum had financial issues maybe as eating out is considerably more expensive now and she has concerns about the cost 🤔 but didn't want to worry you.

Go to your chosen restaurant, OP. Your mum can do as she pleases.
it is galling that she went to the same restaurant for a friend, but objects when it’s for you, her daughter!!
She sounds toxic OP. Put up boundaries starting NOW, and stay strong, don’t let her bully you.

I voted the same for the same reasons.

This. Dont change your plans for her. Reply ans say on second thought you really want to go to this resturant actually and so will not be changing it. Sorry she feels its too expensive/doesnt want to go. Youll miss her there and see her in the morning/evening /day after your birthday.

I just wouldn't be bothered. Go out with your own friends.

Going out for breakfast sounds like a nice treat. Then you can let your hair down in the evening with your friends without her watchful eye.

I have a mum like this it's all about them.
It's your day its about you you go where you want to go on your birthday.
She won't change learn to put your feelings before hers .
I'm not telling you to do this but I no longer have a relationship with my mum due to her self centred self.

follow the thread - the op already made clear that your mum isn’t expecting to pay

I don't know why you'd want to go out with her on your birthday if she's always so miserable

Yes, hilarious casual ageism

I wouldn’t tell her tbh. If she decides to come she’ll probably sulk or have a strop on.

you invited her, she said no. Have the meal you want, enjoy it and don’t give her any more power over your day.

posted long before the OP updated

She doesn't have to come and you don't have to go to breakfast either, especially if it's the same day.

Let her take you for breakfast and go with other family to dinner to the place you wanted.

She's trying to manipulate you, don't let her.

Tell her that the rest of you are going to the restaurant as planned and you'll see her whenever and then end the conversation.

Stick with your plan and tell her she’s welcome to join but you understand if it’s too expensive blah blah. Don’t sweat it. It’s your birthday, your choice.

I know this kind of behaviour all too well. It was 40th 3 years ago and I wasn't allowed to celebrate it because she didn't want to acknowledge my age and my birthday hasn't been celebrated since, not even a card. My other eldest sibling was another story, came running back to mummy at the age of 48 and always got spoilt on birthdays and Christmas. My mother can be awfully cruel, even threatened to slit my throat the other day but what can u do......enjoy YOUR day the way u want to. Xx

I would take the free breakfast she is paying for in the morning and spend it telling her all about how you and DS (and anyone else) is going to the burger place that night and how excited you are

My maternal carbon unit behaves the same. She has always made herself feel superior and in control by ruining everything . Reverse psychology works in some cases, telling her I don’t want to celebrate my birthday would result in her going all out to make it a big day. Everything is about her.
So I don’t engage. I ignored her completely for over a decade. I moved out at 18 after my A levels and moved 300 miles away to an island in the Highlands with no phones or electricity. I didn’t drive. Nowadays we exchange texts on a Sunday. I haven’t seen her in years. I did go once a year for a few years, to her to take her for lunch and then go home. My brother had begged me to re engage…then he cut her out of his life. She hadn’t changed hence the infrequent visit and are you ok , I’m ok text on Sundays. She doesn’t know her grandkids or great grandson. I wouldn’t poison their lives. She didn’t come to my wedding or meet my husband. I was done with her by then. You can pick your relatives.
Make your plans. Stop letting her actions bother you. You only have one life. Try to live it

I don't know why anyone thinks that a controlling, uncaring mother has to be appeased like this. Fuck the breakfast.

I’m the Mother’s age in this scenario… I would never behave this way. I think you should message her and say “sorry you can’t make my Birthday meal. I won’t be doing breakfast on the day as I want to enjoy my meal later, but happy to do the weekend before or after?”

Don't let her make it all about her.

It's your birthday, you should go and enjoy it. You could take your friends there instead of family. Have a happy birthday!