Mum ruining my birthday before it has even begun.

[Collectivethoughts]

It's my birthday next week and I put in our family group chat about going out for a meal together for it.
I pick a place and send the menu. My mum comes back and tells me it's too expensive and she doesn't like the menu. It has steak, burgers etc on which I know for a fact she likes. She also went to this place 2 weeks ago with her friends but apparently now it's too expensive.

She's just called me and said that her and my dad will take me and my DS out for breakfast on the morning of my birthday. I said what about the meal i'd arranged? She then goes on to say again it's too expensive. In the previous breath she was telling me how she is going out with friends tomorrow and having food.
I was clearly annoyed and she said you're annoyed arent you. I said well yes, you went out with friends a couple of weeks ago for a meal to the same place and you're going out with friends tomorrow but don't want to do a meal for my birthday. She said well i had not seen my friend in a while and thats why we went for a meal and tomorrow won't be that expensive. I replied and said but mum its my birthday!
So i said fine, I'll change the restaurant to somewhere else. She said yep ok then.

I'm just so annoyed she has made it all about her. She can go for these expensive meals with friends but can't go for her own daughters birthday. I'm not being unreasonable for being annoyed am I?

I was feeling rubbish after my counselling session just now (unsurprisingly she features alot in these sessions) and now she's made me feel worse.

I'd have said "Well I'm sorry you can't make it mother, but it's my birthday and that's where we're going"!!!
Sounds like she's always caused you issues in your life if your counselling sessions involve a lot of 'her'. But then she always will if you don't stand up to her!

'Mum, I've had a look at other restaurants and actually I still prefer my first choice. I hope you're able to come celebrate with me, but if you can't make it, I look forward to going out with you another time.'

Stick to your guns OP, it's your birthday FFS!

I read an article recently which included the advice “adulting is taken not given”. Please take it OP!

You can't make her come, but you can stand up for yourself and do what you want to do! She sounds very controlling. I'm cross on your behalf.

She sounds delightful - NOT. It seems as if the message is that she is worth the cost of that restaurant meal but she doesn’t think you are! Sounds like you sister has your back book your preferred restaurant for your chosen guests. Up to her if she joins you or, preferably not.

OP - has your therapist given you some choice phrases so you can practise setting boundaries? Eg in this instance ( or any in the future) you might say something like ‘oh that’s a shame you don’t want to come with us mum, never mind, you and I can celebrate another day’
ie - you are not going to change your plans and you have acknowledged what she said.
(I’d also be a bit naughty and ask what she would recommend on the menu)

Your mum sounds quite narcissistic. She likes the restaurant and CAN afford it. But she doesn’t want you to be center of attention. She doesn’t want people celebrating you. She doesn’t want you to have a nice time. She wants you to feel shit.

She’s playing you like a game of chess and you’re handing her the moves to check mate you! Your response when she said it’s too expensive we’ll go for breakfast should have been. Amazing I get to celebrate my birthday twice! I’m guessing she’d pretty soon decide she was coming for the meal as she won’t want to miss out!!!!

You don't need your mother to go do you?
And if your counselling session is making you feel rubbish is it really worth continuing?

She sounds a bit of a narcissist that’s trying to put you in your place! Ring and rebook Go for your birthday meal ask siblings or friends or just take your son but please go you really deserve to have a lovely day for putting up with that rubbish all your life. Put pics on Facebook too get a balloon and cake and make a big fuss. 🤣

How old are you? Why is your mum considered an important guest? Obviously invite her, but if she can't come (or doesn't want to) who cares?

Hang on, whos paying?

I would tell her you can’t make breakfast out as you are busy. But you are going to said restaurant if she wants to come. If not that’s fine you’ll see her whenever

I'm inclined to agree with this comment.

Grey wall it as the kids on here say. 'Ok mum. I figured you'd be up for it since you went to the same place with your mates last week. It's where I really want to go but I understand if you feel the need to give it a miss. It's an invite not a summons' That's all you need to say and do. Don't feed the drama llama!

Read the OP's comments (sigh). She clarified ages ago that she is not expecting her mother to pay (apart from her mother paying for her own lunch).

Does she have a jealous nature in general. Jealousy is a dreadful trait to suffer from although to be the victim of jealousy is worse.

OP: you know your mum and you continue to let her get to you. You need to accept that you are not going to get what you need from her emotionally. She is not going to make you feel like the centre of her universe. She comes first and you know this. Book the restaurant you want. Take your son. Enjoy a lovely meal with your child. No drama. Just enjoy. And don't discuss any grievances about it with your family.

if you’re inviting you’re paying, no?

Don’t change the restaurant. You don’t have to go for breakfast with her.
stick to your plans. She comes or she doesn’t. You can still have a nice time.
“Im sorry you can’t make it mum. We will miss you. “ that’s a sufficient reply.

Who else is going OP?

If there is quite a group of you, book the one you want then text her and say you've reverted to original plan because it's your first choice.

She can come or not come.

Please book it

I wouldn’t bother with breakfast as you will spoil your dinner

You have told her where you are going, she either comes or not. If she finds it too expensive or for what ever reason she gives why she doesn’t want to go then accept that is her declining the invite.
Given your capitulation I would call her back and tell her you have thought about what she has said and her concerns over money so you won’t press her to pay for anything atm

This

She told her Mother that she "can pay" for herself and son. That implies that the Mother would expect to be paying, but on this occasion, OP magnanimously stated that she could pay for herself and son.

OP still hasn't said how many people she invited.

If guests invited by OP include Parents, siblings (with families?), OP and her son, it isn't unreasonable to surmise from OP's posts that the Grandparents usually foot the bill for all.

If this is correct, I'm not surprised that they are pushing back on an expensive restaurant that they did not enjoy attending 2 weeks earlier. They offered to take OP out for another meal on the day to celebrate so she could still hold her preferred event. They sound despicable.

Of course, it could just be OP, child and parents, but OP has been fairly light on details so far, unless I've missed it.