Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

I would politely disagree. Most of my own friends (35 onwards) have/have strong relationships with grandparents and our working parents used grandparents a lot for after school, school holidays and nights out. I think family units were stronger in previous generations and I wasn’t raised when SAHMs were the norm.

I respect not wanting to do 5 days a week but OP is making a point of not wanting to do anything. see it all the time on here now and its such a weird flex to not want to help out your family in my opinion.

Why would it be a fake thread or reverse?

OPs DD sounds highly irresponsible and why should OP drop everything because her DD chose to have a baby.

Why can’t the dad take time off?
Or even offer to split the week between both sets of grandparents?

Why does it all fall to OP and then she’s the bad one for not dropping everything at the last minute?

You don’t sound very excited OP about your grandchildren.

My parents looked after both of my children up until they went to Secondary & even now they go to their grandparents and are always checking in to see how they are.

I never had any childcare costs and we were also able to go away as a couple each year as my parents would have them all the time if they could.

Will I be on hand for my grandchildren every single time……wild horses couldn’t keep me away! As I will get to see them grow up & be able to do so much with them. If I can help make life easier for my children and their families then that is what I will be doing. Plus I get to have all the fun & hand them over in the evening 😉

It’s hard enough for young families nowadays why would you not……..

You need to talk like adults and find out what has gone wrong with the nursery and if it's that bad can she take unpaid leave or can yuh help as a one off if you not working and if not is there other childcare she can use...the library normally holds the list of childminders etc. Can you signpost to to childcare if you can't help her.

I'm sure they will visit each other and have the same relationship they had before just because you would suddenly hate your mum for not offering childcare most people aren't like this. I don't think op has said she won't ever look after her gc I think she is saying she doesn't want dragging into expected childcare on a regular basis its her dd first week back at work and she's already needing her mum to step in

Not prepared to do any childcare? None at all?

Okay, you're right. Let's say I'm hoping it's a fake thread, for the sake of the OP's relationship with her GCs.

It’s a huge ask. Looking after young children is exhausting and your daughter should be spreading the load.

I also have no interest in being the “regular” childcare for grandchildren when I’m older. I’ll help with occasional babysitting of course but I’m not doing it all again.

So are you quitting your job when you have grandchildren?

I think as parents we need to empathize with our children more especially when it comes to childcare in such circumstances. Mothers with young children are already going through a lot as it is and she may not be able to get someone else willing to cover childcare just for a week.

She is an adult with her own family; she is the person you raised her to be. Asking "when will she ever learn" is surely a bit redundant at this stage, also a bit infantalising.

I have one grandchild (11 yoa) who I love to bits, and we really enjoy each others' company. I'm so happy to step in in an emergency and have her for an afternoon, a day, a week, whatever. She's old enough now to discuss the news and we watch certain shows together, I take her shopping for clothes every few months and we make a day of it with lunch.

If you're happy with an arms length relationship then do refuse to give any help OP but I promise you, you'll be missing out.

I think it depends on your circumstances. Do you work? It comes across as cold. Do you not want to spend time with your grandkids? If my child has kids and I'm retired or part time of course I would help out.

It all depends on your personal situation & if you have a good relationship & want to support.

wasn’t raised when SAHMs were the norm

I am talking about when SAHM's were the norm. That was my mums generation. While grandparents have always helped over the years, babysitting on occasion, sometimes school pick ups if mum couldn't be there once in a while, but now the amount of grandparents who are doing the bulk of the care instead of nursery has changed and increased massively over the last 20 odd years. Not talking about babysitting on occasion here, talking 8am-5pm care.

Women going to work instead of SAHM's has caused this shift in the level of care provided by grandparents. Before that it simply wasn't needed because there was a parent looking after the children full time.

I guess she is probably like my parents. Inappropriately asking for grandkids repeatedly. Grandkids are here, loudly say they won't help. Hardly see grandkids, but confusing why they inappropriately asked for them for 10 years. I now keep my distance. It's all my responsibilityand that's OK but it was very misleading

It would be interesting to see if there is any data to support the idea that GPs used to do more childcare than they do now. My own experience is the opposite and I suspect this is a romanticised view of previous generations. I expect to do more childcare for my DCs than my parents did for me in the 00s (twice in emergencies, but they lived some distance away). I would still not want a regular weekly commitment but will probably offer a little more childcare than my GPs gave to me as a child in the 70s ie occasional days & exceptional circs. I remember some GP involvement in childcare with other working class families where I lived, but not a lot, apart from 1 or 2 families where both parents worked FT. There were fewer single parents, most mums who worked didn't have professional quals and worked PT or evenings & often only when children were older. One middle class child at school had a child minder. By late primary we were all feral anyhow.

‘She’ is your daughter who is struggling. I dunno. What should you do? Should you continue to look down on her inability to cope or should you be a mother and grandmother in the fullest sense and help?hmmmm. Tricky one.

Honestly? You sound selfish. Families help each other out.

Wanting grandchildren but not wanting to provide any childcare - why do you want them in the first place? Bragging rights?

just because you would suddenly hate your mum for not offering childcare

Where on earth did you get this from?

I’ve already stated that my children were in nursery full time, but that I’m incredibly lucky to have a mum who actually takes an interest in and wants to spend time with her grandchildren, and actively makes the effort to do so, rather than just passively sitting around waiting on me to show up to supervise a visit.

She loves my children and spending time with them, just her and them. It’s sad that so many people view this as childcare, when it’s just basic relationship building and maintenance.

My nana step grandfather and grandad and step grandmother (maternal) we all saw them once a week on weekends and they never looked after us. When my DB was young he had chronic asthma and if he was off school my step grandmother would look after him but it was paid. This was 70s/80s though.

My mother was around for both when they got older, no care homes needed.

It’s tough having no one to rely on in an emergency like this, my mum passed away unfortunately so I’m in a similar position to your daughter OP (although she was a fantastic hands on GM when she was here)!

It can be quite lonely knowing you’re alone in raising your children, especially if you have no DP/DH to support. It would be nice to help her out every now and then.

My mum and stepdad pick their nephew up from school and take him to a music class on Mondays, same on Fridays after school. They also have him for the odd day in school holidays. If any other help is needed eg with the younger toddler then they’ll do this too. No need for full time day care as one in nursery one in school.

But this is your parents choice, respect to them, this is what they wanted to do freely. But it doesn't mean that suits everyone.
Why is a grandma not allowed to chose how to live her life as soon as grandkids come along?

My mother once declined my pleas to come and sit with my 3 year old for 2 hours so I could go swimming one evening while pregnant with the second, as I was exhausted and wasn’t sleeping properly and my husband was away. I told her how exhausted and anxious was. She said no…she had some knitting to finish. She’s now throwing tantrums as we’ve gone very low contact and she doesn’t see my kids that often now. Make your choice now. Can you be bothered or not? Because you can’t have it both ways - expecting to be treated like a mother or grandmother whilst not actually behaving like one.

edited to add; this isn’t the only reason we’re low contact just one example

What a fantastic mother/grandmother you sound! What kind of parent was you when your little girl was small?

If you think that tough love here is going to make her magically rethink her method of prioritising her life then be prepared to be excluded by your daughter going forward.

Are you busy next week, OP?