Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

I despair of ppl like you ,,,is life not hard enough without parents being like this 😩 . Will it massively affect your life to help out form time to time FFS ,,theirs a difference to relying in you to asking a favour here and their . Use your braincells .

And I also have a great relationship with my mum as I've never emotionally blackmailed her.

I also have a great relationship with my mum, and I’ve never emotionally blackmailed her either, and she loves spending time with my children, taking them on days out, having them for dinner and or the occasional overnight. They have a great relationship.

I guess some of us are just lucky to have more supportive parents than others who actively want to spend time with their grandchildren, and make the effort do so.

Reading these threads always reminds me how lucky I am to have my mum.

And my children were in nursery full time.

But the grandparents have already brought up children once. So you're complaining that they are not going to care for the grandchildren too while mum's at work? Like a full time unpaid job when older and more knackered?

Couldn't agree more! All my grandparents died when I was a child but my parents still had that village with my aunts and uncles, I spent school holidays etc round at my aunts every single week day until I was old enough to look after myself yet I had no village when I had my children, didnt have a single night off! Mine are 21, 17 and 15 now ( I'm 42 this year) and if im ever lucky enough to be a grandma I will be that village for my kids whenever I possibly can

I shouldn’t be because I plan on creating a family unit, the same way my Nan who I talk to every day did for me when I was a kid. That’s why I think it works both ways, you remember who sacrificed their time for you and you pay it back.

So you’re entitled to your life and not being of any help during a big life moment like when your kids become parents - but your kids should bend over backwards when you need help? Seems bloody selfish to me.

We are retired ( mid 60s) and don't do childcare for dh's gc. In an emergency yes but never overnight and never all 3 together.
We take the 2 older ones out usually 1 day in each holiday.

Only on birthdays/special occasions as they just weren't interested unfortunately

But thats completely different to expecting regular childcare. I will be saying no to my children to. I'm not commiting to regular childcare on set days

My parents happily relied on grandparent help a lot when I was little, so would be very hypocritical indeed to refuse any help. Thankfully they are equally as involved with my kids, ditto my in-laws. I really feel for those with zero parental help, looks like they have a very different experience of parenting to those who do have a supportive family network.

Neither myself or DH do any childcare

DH son is on baby number 3 and didn’t even bother asking the other grandparents if they are happy to look after baby number 3

they just assumed they would as they did with baby’s number 1-2 but they have said no

it’s caused huge family rows as they can’t get childcare for baby no 3 and we refuse to get dragged into childcare for the next 5 years or so

What like the grandparents of previous generations did? Seems to be a societal shift to me of very self involved newer gen grandparents who forget how much their own families probably did.

I'm not saying 5 days a week but OP is saying nothing. Seems cold to me.

You should do what you want but don’t feel surprised or disappointed if she starts cutting you off from the “fun” things involving your grandchildren in the future.

Relationships are give and take. Don't help if you don't want to but don't expect people to help you when you need it.

I think some of the replies you’ve hard have been awful, OP.

There is way too much pressure on grandparents to provide childcare nowadays. It’s clearly something that a lot of parents just expect and that is unreasonable.

You mustn’t feel pressured. Only offer if you feel able, available and are happy to do it. But you must make it clear to your daughter this wouldn’t be a regular thing. I imagine at some point that you will have to say no, if your daughter is as unorganised as you say.

I’m a grandparent and most people around my age are still working full time. How on earth is a grandparent expected to provide a full week of childcare, at the last minute, with their own job happening. Also, we’re getting older! It’s hard work looking after kids when we’re no longer spring chickens.

Why has she chosen a term time nursery if she needs year round care?

I think refusing to help in a true emergency is cruel. What if she and her husband were rushed to the hospital? Would you take the children or would you risk them going with social services?

Aside from that extreme situation, are you really never willing to cover an odd day? The odd school closure day planned well in advance? A sick day when both parents have huge meetings? Just a few hours on their wedding anniversary so they can enjoy a nice meal?

An entire week at the last minute is too much. That is something they should have planned around. I do understand why you don’t want to come to the rescue. I would just make your general policy clear.

That's a shame and yes your parents may regret it indeed.. But I don't see the OP saying she'd not see them at all, or babysit etc. Just not want to be a full time carer. She seems to like her daughter so I imagine she will help in other ways.

My grandma lived with us from when I was around 11 years old. She was a horrid person and I had no relationship with her either, not for want of trying from me as a kid. So being in the same house/spending hours together didn't do much!

Excuse me, braincells?
Some people don't want to take grandchildren on and it's perfectly alright.
It's their own life.
Choosing themselves probably means they have far more braincells than certain others.

Why are some people acting as though needing help from others is some sort of weird personal failure?!

Yes, I need help from my parents with my children at times. No, I don't feel entitled to it - I'm actually extremely grateful. I'm also a fully responsible adult and mother. I'd cope and survive without the help, but thankfully I have a few people around me who care and actually want to support me and try to make my life a bit easier where they can.

Also, I think there's a BIG difference between ad hoc childcare / babysitting (which BTW is what the OP's thread is actually about!) versus regular or even full-time care of small kids - I can completely understand not wanting that level of commitment when you finally have some freedom back in retirement etc.

Well, the OP has since said she may do a little as an emergency.
But no, I would say that this expectation of weekly care of grandchildren is a fairly 'new' thing because before mums stayed at home. It was common for my generation and previous for grandparents to just be grandparents, not carers.

It's only since mums have had to work to pay the ever increasing bills has childcare been such an issue for so many families.

I’m going to go one step further and say this is prime example of a generation of women who never stopped and considered if they actually wanted children, they just went ahead and had them, despite many of them not having a maternal bone in their body. Society norms, peer pressure, no other obvious options, whatever led to women being mothers automatically.
They neglected all but their children’s basic needs, and farmed them out to their own parents and other family members, friends, neighbours, the streets, each other, whoever.
Fast forward 20 years and they see their now adult daughters having options in life, having careers, having balanced adult relationships, having money and nice things, and they literally hate them and will do anything to put them down and make their life harder because they can’t stand to see them doing ok in life.

Gosh! That's a leap.

If you can help why wouldn't you?

I would do a day or two at the very most if there is truly no other option but not all week. If it is a term time only nursery then she needs to either find a year round nursery or get on the waiting lists if they are full.

I find it hard to believe that she didn't know they were closed next week.

But it’s still childcare. And the OP has said she isn’t willing to do any childcare, regular or otherwise.

Assuming the OP’s daughter (like most people) doesn’t have the time to spend “most days” or even a few hours a week sitting in her mother’s house, I am wondering how the OP envisages building a relationship with the grandchild she was so excited about.