Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

Basic.com probably

Then ‘ohhh but I never see my grandchildren’ victim.com next

I can understand why OP made that rule.

Her DD and DH sound like piss takers.

They would have known that nursery is closed next week but instead of taking time off themselves, they expect OP to drop everything.

If it was an emergency situation then I think OP should definitely do it but they knew that the nursery would be closed and expect OP to pick up the pieces.

The dad is going to have to ask his work for time off.

You say she has form for this....lastminute.com. she creates the situations and you solve the problems. She may well do this with friends, work etc and of course you. Maybe she relentlessly complains about childcare or whatever issue or until she shows you her back is to the wall because she knows some giver will make accomodations for her. You are not being mean or a bad grandmother you are setting boundaries. It does not mean you are steeping out of being a grandparent. Sometimes also grandfathers want to give in to care of grandkids then pass it all to grandmother! Seen it loots of times.

Have you seen the OP's second post? It sounds like this is a regular pattern of the daughter not planning sufficiently and expecting others to rescue her. Yes we might give someone a bit more slack as a new mum navigating childcare for the first time but, come on, not checking nursery opening hours over Easter!? I might agree to a couple of days cover in the OO's position but being a 'mother in the fullest sense' would also mean pointing out gently but firmly that not planning childcare is neglectful and that she is now a responsible adult who can't expect her Mum to swoop in to rescue her without prior agreement.

It depends. If you suddenly needed assistance how would you feel if she was available but said an emphatic ‘no’?

Wow. She’s new to all of this too, and has clearly misunderstood nursery cover over the Easter period.
Do you mean to sound so mean and transactional?!? You’ve made it clear you aren’t up for regular childcare, but do you want that to be interpreted as you being a non-option, ever!!

You sound cold and transactional. If that’s your objective, then crack on. If not, re-think.

Yeah just don't complain when your grandkids barely knows you, and no ones there to help you when you're old.

Why does not wanting to offer child care all the time amount to not knowing the grandkids? Such a leap unless parents withdraw all visits and access to grandchildren in protest for not getting free care all week while at work.

It’s the not wanting to offer any child care ever, that amounts to not knowing the grandkids.

How can you possibly have a good relationship with anyone, if you expect someone else (who is working full time and has numerous other commitments) to facilitate that relationship for you?

This thread is gross.

Women don’t have to sacrifice their retirement because their children decided to have children.

The entitlement is fucking shocking.

You’ve always been clear about not providing childcare. You aren’t obligated to, and yes, she needs to sort things out herself. Do not feel guilty for this. That said, helping in a genuine emergency would be ok I would hope, but it’s defo up to you to set boundaries around that. The responses on here are genuinely shocking - the op has been clear she won’t be doing childcare. The daughter is frankly being a total CF to ask, and try and guilt trip her.

Agree.
I'd say no if that's what you want but I imagine you will see less and less of your daughter and that means grand kids too. So if you are happy with a very casual, see each other a few times a year relationship then continue on.

My parents couldn't wait to be grandparents and very involved in our lives. I believe I'll be the same although I'm not a kid person my grandchildren will be very different because I can hand them back.

I get you don't want to take on minding them as a regular thing but if you aren't even going to help them out ever then I'd be keeping my distance from you too... And remember later in life in old age when you need help getting to appointments or just tough chores at home you'll have already set the standard on helping and she will be too busy.. As you'd deserve.

Also can't see how she's unreliable.. I'd say you're unreliable before she was. But I hope she is later in life when you need help. I'd tell you to sort yourself out...

So the OP's daughter is too busy to see her own mum, with the grandchildren and the only way to have a relationship is for grandma to look after the children when mum is at work?

Ok. Wow.

It's sad that you don't want to help with any childcare.. I had my grandaughter for a week at our home .
It's been a lovely week I feel blessed I have special time with her and that I can help my son.

Families should help and support each other, if you won’t help her then don’t expect her to help you.

Christ.
She’s probably feeling overwhelmed, guilty and really sad going back to work, and she ( and her partner?) missed the nursery closure.
Not everything has to be a lesson, sometimes it’s ok to be kind.

the only way to have a relationship is for grandma to look after the children when mum is at work?

Where did I say this?

The truth is that most people are far too busy and burnt out to spend hours sitting in their parent’s house regularly. Especially those who are working full time and have young children in school and nursery. Like the OP.

There are times when I am too busy to see my mum, but I text or call her every other day. I think that’s quite normal.

The way to have a good relationship with anyone is to spend time with them. And that includes grandchildren. If a parent isn’t able to facilitate that for you (see why above), then you actually need to put some effort in.

“Hey - would you like to drop Oliver off for a couple of hours so you can get some cleaning/shopping/x/y/z done?”

No one needs to be providing childcare through the week. The majority of children are in nursery, and then school, anyway.

I know these days most grandparents are still working FT, so if you can't get time off, it's not unreasonable (emergencies aside). The problem is that it's really the first generation where most grandmothers worked FT. Also, if you have health issues, sometimes people don't understand-I have seen grandparents pushed into taking the kids when they have cancer treatment appointments, because their son/daughter threatens to band them ever seeing them again if they refuse.

But personally, if I am well enough, and if I am only working PT or retired when/if my kids have their own (which should be a couple of decades away, probably!) I will help where I can, because when I chose to be a parent, I accepted the likelihood I'd be a grandparent IF they choose to have them-and I want our family to be close, so I would if I could.

Maybe tell her she gets a certain number of “last minute emergencies” per year, so use them wisely because once they’re all used up, you won’t be coming to the rescue.

This isn't an emergency situation though. It sounds like the DD being completely disorganised, not bothering to arrange childcare for her children and assuming that @AyiaNanna would pick up the pieces for her at the last minute. Who enrols their child into a nursery and doesn't find out when it is open/closed?

In an emergency situation eg illness, most grandparents would help if they possibly could, although, of course, nowadays, many grandparents still work themselves.

I can believe that nursery didn't point out to her they were closed. This was years ago but my husband turned up at about 3 pm on New Years Eve and all the staff were waiting, they hadn't told us they were closing at 2:30 that day. I was working til 5 and he had unexpectedly been allowed to go early. It was a bit of a shock!
If she is working and no option to take it off what is she meant to do? She's probably not yet developed friends who she can swap child care with.
I struggled with no help from grandparents for years, only once they were at school did grandparents manage a few hours very occasionally. We paid for all care. That's absolutely fine. I know they are allowed to decide this but we are expected to drop everything for hospital appointments or shopping because they can't take a taxi and they don't want carers. It's give and take.
Say no to regular care and yes to emergency care. Especially if you expect your daughter to be there for you in emergencies. That's what families do.

I think the OP is getting an unfairly hard time here.

I'm usually the first to criticise the grandparents who have no interest in their grandchildren at all but I don't this is one of those situations. I read it that the DD has been, perhaps deliberately disorganised, and then just assumes that her mum will step in to sort out her mistakes, regardless of what commitments she may have. That reads to me as selfish and entitled. In principle, I absolutely agree that families should help each other out across the generations though and that strong relationships take effort on both sides.

@rainingsnoring No, it’s not a genuine emergency but I’ve been assuming that this is her first baby and first experience of nursery care. Perhaps the nursery didn’t give her the full holiday schedule until they started last week?

I’m being a softie, but I know how hard it can be returning to work after your first baby and she’s probably in a muddle. If she were my daughter, I’d help her out this time.

I think it’s unreasonable to say no childcare ever, but as for next week, your DD has obviously booked a term-time only nursery which is unsuitable for her (unless she’s a teacher who has holidays off, which presumably she is not). Not sure how she has “only just found out” that the nursery is closed next week, term-time only vs open all year round is surely one of the first things that you look into when arranging childcare. I think given the late notice, I’d agree (if you’re free) on the proviso that she arranges more suitable childcare going forwards. This one time shouldn’t turn into an arrangement for every school holidays.

You sounds really kind. As someone who never had GP help, there was no option of not checking nursery schedules, etc when I needed to arrange childcare for any of my DC. Of course it's hard but that's a basic level of organisation and the responsibility of a parent. I suspect the DD hasn't bothered because she assumes that her Mum will just step in.