Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

Yes, I too would be disappointed at having raised an irresponsible, potentially selfish person who was unable to look ahead and plan for their own child and was therefore dependent upon others - even me - to bail them out.

A genuinely unexpected emergency , sickness etc is of course different - that’s an all hands on deck, how can I help you love type scenario.

This is clearly a fake thread or reverse, but sure, I'll bite.

I think you are totally right @AyiaNanna. It's the thin end of the wedge. Before long she'll be expecting you to help out in emergencies or when the kids are home from school sick, and before you know it she'll have you reading bedtime stories, baking cakes with them and attending school plays. As they get older the kids may even want to drop in occasionally unannounced just to see how you are.

I would nip it in the bud now before your GCs get the wrong impression and imagine you might have a relationship based on anything other than your own convenience.

Same, feeling very lucky to have a decent support network

If course. It's gross carelessness with something so important. We all make mistakes but OP says the daughter is often last minute. How could anyone not check this at Easter unless they were thinking it wasn't important because they could always guilt trip Mum into doing it at the last minute.

So, you had a good relationship with your grandparent because you saw them most days. Do you honestly think it’s realistic for families to be visiting grandparents most days?

More than anything l would love to have grandchildren to mind but unfortunately it is not my blessing at the moment.

Alter your thinking and love and adore your grandchildren and most of all enjoy every minute with them.

Carry on as you are, being unhelpful and difficult and making it all about you. In 5-10 yrs if you're lucky, you'll have full on estrangement and you'll be here sniping about it.

I agree. If you’re free why on earth wouldn’t you support your daughter at this vulnerable stressful time

I agree!!

Is nursery really closed all week? I think I'd ask a question about what kind of schedule this nursery operates on. I've only ever used ones that are open 51 weeks (closed on BH's) or term time.

I would offer a couple of days of you are able, it's the kind thing to do. There is a huge difference between offering in a pickle or the odd evening/weekend and doing this on a regular arrangement. There are times where it is a pickle, fewer people have reciprocal arrangements with friends, there isn't much as hoc paid childcare and limited annual leave.

I would also say, with relationships with the GC, you get out what you put in. My PIL have been increasingly hands off (behaviour absolutely not the reason) and it's sad because they barely know them. It's not a transactional thing, if you don't see them very often then you don't know them well.

I think it depends how close you are as a family and how close you live to each other. My kids see my mum a couple of times a week as we live close to each other and they have a great relationship. And I also have a great relationship with my mum as I've never emotionally blackmailed her.

You can of course say no, but have to accept that this will have an impact on your relationship with her, and that she may well choose to place reciprocal hard limits on any support you might hope for from her as you become older.

Possibly you don't expect any - maybe your relationship with her does not involve mutual help and support, and if so that's fine.

If I am lucky enough to become a grandmother, I have always said I am happy to give as much support and help with childcare as I can/my daughter needs. Frankly I would love to!

Equally, I hope that as I age my daughter will, within reason, be happy to do things to support me.

My elderly father recently passed. He had severe dementia for the last 10 years of his life, and went from being a fiercely independent, proud man, to someone who needed support from his family for the basics of survival. After my mother, I was his main carer.

He didn't plan to need this help, but he needed it, I gave it. I sincerely hope never to burden my daughter with even a fraction of the caring responsibilities I picked up - but none of us have a crystal ball.

You see what I am saying.

All these people saying grandparents providing childcare = grandparents close to grandchildren are mental 😂

My parents made it very clear they wouldn’t be providing any childcare at all, that they only wanted the fun bits. And they did get only the fun bits!! It was fun for all - the children, the parents (who got the odd half free day here and there) and the grandparents! My PILs were much younger and INSISTED on having the DC for a week or two each summer. Both DC got so, so bored that by the time they were tweens they started saying they hated going there… and now they see each other four or five days per year.

Grandparents have done the hard yards. And,
come ON, how disorganized are you to not realise your childcare provider will be closed?? The very first thing you do as a working parent is check holidays, bank holidays, your leave entitlement, the other parent’s days off, inset days etc etc. How else can you do your job if you don’t have childcare sorted? It’s like expecting to cook a meal without having gone supermarket shopping. Bonkers.

Do whatever you want to do OP. Don't let the entitled attitudes get you down.
Not everyone wants to give endless childcare and that's ok, just as ok as those who want to.

I think too there is a world of difference in being asked to care endlessly while mums are at work than offering to babysit so parents can go out occasionally or in emergencies.

I can’t understand your attitude I really can’t. I am a nana to a 6, 4 and 1 year old, I have always helped out when needed as I adore my grandchildren and love having them. My daughter works and I have the 1 year old on a wedding but obviously things come up so if I can I help unless it’s something I can’t change. I know not all grandmothers are maternal so to speak but believe me grandchildren are a joy !

Oh my gosh I feel so lucky having my mum after reading this. You don’t want to spend time with the grandkids you have so looked forward to, so you can teach your daughter a lesson? Who needs enemies….

My parents were like this, which was their choice. I never had a night off until my kids were old enough to look after themselves (they are 21, 17 and 15 now) the result is they have no relationship with my parents at all now as they didn't get to know them or spend any time with them and I have the closest of relationships with my children. I think they regret this now but its too late. I plan to be the polar opposite of my parents if im ever blessed enough to be a grandmother

It’s really sad that for my generation we spent so much time with our grandparents and they provided a village. Most of my friends had close relationships with their grandparents..

Now the same generation who had a village around them don’t want to offer anything and say “your kids not my problem”. My own Mother relied on my Nan during all the holidays, school runs, sickness etc and is absolutely nowhere to be seen with my own kids.

5 days a week unpaid is a lot I grant you, but to say no outright to everything seems quite cold to me. Just don’t expect the same courtesy and help if you become old and infirm. I think families are about give and take and it saddens me that we’ve become like this when it used to be a village effort.

That's a disgusting thing to say. They're two separate scenarios.

The entitled mentality from some on this thread is quite an eye-opener. Parents are not obliged to sacrifice everything for their children even after said children are adults. They're entitled to a life of their own too.

Nurseries strike last minute. So do schools. Some things u find out last minute. It’s the first time. Give her a chance. All for grandparents not being unpaid childminders but sometimes genuinely things happen. Don’t be A dick. If she’s going to take the piss u will soon find out and u can rightly put her straight.

So presuming mum and daughter were ticking along nicely enough until the baby came along, you expect the daughter to stop talking to her mum because of not offering weekly childcare?

Tbh, that would be appalling of the daughter.

I think it’s perfectly reasonable.

You could say your kids are also entitled to a life of their own when they’ve raised their own kids (without your help when you lived your life) and shouldn’t be stuck dealing with you as an old person in need of help. Works both ways to me.

God this is so sad.

Did you never visit your parents with your kids?

Well, if you think it's 'perfectly reasonable' all I can say is I hope you're not alone and neglected when you're old.