Unreliable daughter - do I put my foot down?

[AyiaNanna]

As much as I’ve been very excited for grandchildren I have always made it clear that I’m not prepared to do any childcare. She only returned to work last week and already she’s asked me to cover next week. Supposedly she’s only just found out that the nursery is closed.

Should I agree or am I opening up the floodgates and encouraging yet more requests!

Do I say no and let her sort herself out?

Why don't you want to help your daughter? I don't understand this mean attitude.

I think there’s a balance to be had . My parents didn’t want an every day obligation, but were there when nursery was closed or the children were sick if neither oh or I could .i help friends out , if help my daughter if they were in a bind.

Being unwilling to help your own child in an emergency, essentially out of spite, not inability. So you want a relationship with someone's child, on your own terms, fully facilitated by their working parent. It's just not going to happen. If you want a relationship with someone, anyone, you tend to have to contribute something, do things for them, help them, enable the relationship yourself.

So yeah "I will never help you, even in an emergency, and never spend any time alone with my grandchild" does not foster a good relationship with a grandchild or an adult child.

If you don't want to bother then neither will should they.

I agree with you fully in principle but this isn't an emergency. This is the DD being disorganised, possibly deliberately, and just expecting her Mum to step in and look after her DC.

Lots of nurseries are open through the holidays. Ours is. You can choose between term time or full time. So a first time expecting child care to be open isn't ridiculous. Quite frankly it's ridiculous for childcare to close because the local state schools are closed.

By all means set boundaries but I could never sit back and watch my dc struggle no matter how old they are. Plus I’d like to think that one day god willing I’ll have grandchildren who I can actually form a great bond with. My own memories of my time spend with my grandparents are so special to me. Being tucked in, read to, made special dinners, playing in their garden. I want to be able to do that in many years to come.
While I’m fit and able to do so, I’d always help my dc.

When I got pregnant the first thing my Mum said was “If you think I’m going to babysit or help out either childcare, you’ve got another think coming.” I never asked her. She never really built a relationship with her grandchildren.

@rainingsnoring You might be right! I’d still help out this time, but make it clear that she needs to be more organized going forward.

How is your daughter unreliable?
Being honest you don’t sound like someone who is glad to have grandchildren at all .
I’m not saying you should be always there to fall back on , but to say you will never help her out at all , well it’s mean , she is your daughter her children are your grandchildren.
You guys are Family.
Why wouldn’t you want to help your own daughter out ??

if you expect someone else (who is working full time and has numerous other commitments) to facilitate that relationship for you?

So basically if grandma doesn't make 100% of the effort to look after the kids while mums at work, mum is too busy to make time for her own mother and grandkids to spend time together.

So no relationship unless grandma does the child care. Nice!

Is it an emergency?
Why is it all week?
The daughter has form of being disorganised.
Has the daughter asked to share the care with other members of the family, or even shared with herself and partner? No.
She asked grandma for a week, with 2 days notice.

Am all for helping in emergencies when they are real, mucking in, be part of a team (all hands on deck) or even baby sitting on occasion so the parents can go out for the night and have fun.

But expecting someone to do it all, nah. The OP already updated and said she'd prob help for a couple of days. That's more than fair. Asking for a week isn't. We don't know how old or what health the OP is, but anyone having to look after a very young baby for a week is hard and it's not the grandmas responsibility.

Well if the grandparents are taking the stance of ‘no childcare ever’ as some do then they’re basically turning down any one-to-one time with their grandchildren, of course there can still be visits etc but naive to think the relationship will be the same, it just won’t be.

Childcare... is loads of care in my mind.
Am pretty sure the OP's intent is not to be relied on childcare. Babysitting, going out for day with the kid are different, fun grandma things which will form a bond without having to be an unpaid childminder.

There’s probably a balance to be had. You sound a little judgmental and inflexible. Your DD is probably a little disorganised. I’d bend over backwards to help my DD but it’s also fair if you have other commitments. Totally up to you to dictate that balance though.

I guess it depends exactly what is meant by 'no childcare'.
There is a big difference between no regular, weekly childcare (grandparents acting as the nanny/childminder) and no occasional childcare eg a few days during school holidays, helping in emergencies. It sounds as if the OP meant the latter as she has already agreed to cover 2 days. I suspect she said 'no childcare' because her DD has form of this sort of behaviour but I could be wrong.

I agree that grandparents who make no effort at all are likely to have little or no relationship with their GC when they are older and that is what they deserve.

Poor Ayia

I think (and hope) we're missing context and a back story here.

This is literally my life. As a single parent my mum never helps me out and I literally have no real relationship with her. I am organised with out of school etc but when the odd emergency comes up and my mum doesn’t work and isn’t busy I ask her she says not my problem. I don’t forget it so when she expects me to take her places etc I don’t as it works both ways. Hence relationship breakdown I’m sad about it but if I can’t rely on my mum who can I ? It’s crap.

That depends on your personal situation. My parents worked full time and would have had to take leave to care for my children so I could go to work. My job and income isn't more important than theirs. You can't assume grandmothers or grandfathers are just available whenever needed. In an emergency, sure. This isn't a real emergency, just disorganisation on the part of the DD. If OP is free and willing and able, it would be nice just this once. But she should be clear about her DD needing to get organised better in future.

Why do you keep going on about looking after the grandchildren when mum is at work?

I’m not talking about mum being at work. Most children are in nursery, or some kind of paid childcare, and then go on to school.

The OP said that she doesn’t want to provide any childcare.

So her contact with her grandchildren is going to be solely at the mercy of their parent’s schedules, and supervised.

The fact is that most people are far too busy working full time, raising children, running a household, with various other commitments, which doesn’t leave much time for visiting relatives regularly. Certainly not regularly enough to be building any kind of meaningful relationship between them and their child.

No, grandma doesn’t need to make 100% effort, but you understand that she needs to make some kind of effort to build a relationship, right? Like “It’s a nice day, I was thinking of taking Grace to the park for a couple of hours”. Or “Yes, of course Ethan can come here whilst you attend your hospital appointment this afternoon. And you know what, I haven’t seen him in a bit, he can eat dinner with me and I’ll give him a bath. Collect him about 7pm?”

It’s hardly raising your grandchildren, is it.

You’re excited about your grandchildren but you won’t help with childcare? You sound mean. Let’s hope your daughter doesn’t behave the same way when you are elderly and needing help.

Why do you keep going on about looking after the grandchildren when mum is at work?

Because that was what the OP's post is about.
I think you're jumping to conclusions about any contact tbh.

No - it’s not, and I’m not jumping to any conclusions.

On this occasion, the mum happens to be at work.

But the OP specifically says that she doesn’t want to provide any childcare.

Whether the mum is working, or otherwise.

Which is her choice.

But she did say that she was excited to have a grandchild.

Me and other posters have asked her why she was excited to have a grandchild, if she didn’t plan on spending any time with them, outwith what the parents can facilitate. How does she envisage building a relationship with the grandchild she was so excited about, if she doesn’t want to make any effort to see them regularly, or spend any one on one time with them?

It doesn’t make sense.

We'd have to know how OP defines not doing any childcare. If I said I wasn't doing any childcare it doesn't mean I wouldn't be there in an emergency, the odd babysitting or caring during an appointment, etc. I'd do those even if I said no childcare, meaning providing granny daycare on a regular basis.

Because childcare is different to babysitting? Going out for a day? Spending the day together?

People here have taken no childcare to mean zero time with the child without any proof. Going by her post, it seems that she thinks her daughter is disorganised so this 'can you look after for the week' is going to be a regular thing unless the OP nips it in the bud. I don't get the impression that she didn't want any time with her grandchild. The OP's second post was already her saying she'd prob help after all..