So angry at husband and cannot let it go

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have a sexless marriage among many other problems. It began many years ago and the only common factor appears to be my weight. I am the only one who has actually tried to do anything about it....talking, Iingerie, reading books, forums, therapy etc. I am currently a UK size 6-8. He burys himself in video games hobbies and work. I vary between a size 6-10. At my heaviest post children I was a size 12.

We did not have sex for four years when I was heavier (size 12) and he only started showing any enthusiasm when I got back to size 8. This was despite him being obese on the BMI scale (105 kg at 178 cm) he is now 90 so still over weight. My BMI never even reached over weight at max it was 24.9.

I am so incredibly bitterly angry at him and do not want him to ever touch me again. When we did have sex after four years of nothing I felt repulsed by him completely. I am convinced he is gay or asexual.

I am angry at him for his arrogance that he could judge me as less attractive at a size 12 when he was himself very overweight. I feel I have wasted my youthful beauty on him.

I cannot get over this even though he is now putting effort in and has lost weight. I want nothing to do with him. AIBU?

The details don't matter, if you're not happy, you should leave this marriage. Is there a reason why you feel you can't?

That isn't a valid reason to put up with a guy who's not interested in you sexually.

BTW, I think you need to lose some more weigh, about 150lb, in the form of your miserable, disrespectful, abusive husband.

Life doesn't have to be like this, you know.🙂

I was in a relationship for 29 years, married for 19, two DC. He was the same, zero interest in me sexually and when I think back, there were red flags from when we were married. He seemed happy to have a 'mates' relationship with me. My self esteem was on the floor because he was kind in other ways, so I thought I was just unloveable in that way. Long story short, he was having affairs , got caught out and kicked him out two years ago.

It is the best thing that could have happened to me. I am not dating or looking for another relationship but I am having the most life affirming time looking after myself, finding out who I am, taking great joy in new interests, retraining, solo travel.

Don't be scared of being alone, it is a freedom that I won't give up easily ever again.

He might be a common or garden perv. I have a friend who is tiny and always has been even now in her late 40s. Honestly, the number of relationships she has ended with men who turned out to be tiny-woman creeps and wanted her to play out their little fetishes and fantasies about overpowering a petite woman or pedo-borderline stuff. Some of the things she has told me they have said or done and wanted her to say or do brings vomit into my mouth.

Either way, it sounds as if the attraction and respect has gone so it makes sense to just go your separate ways.

OP, if he is actually gay, it could be that he is only sexually attracted to you when you are very slim ie with a more boy-like figure. At a size 12 you maybe had bigger boobs and bum - more curvy and womanly - so that might be the reason why.

Apart from the lack of sex, he really doesn't sound like a pleasant, uplifting person to be around.

I think it's time to get your ducks in a row ...

do you want sex?
do you find your hubby attractive? Still love him, best friend, supporting partner otherwise?

I think you have to decide if this can be saved.

you deserve to be loved for who you are regardless of weight, you deserve to feel sexy and attractive both from your eyes and your partners.

I don’t often say a LtB from one post but dropping that particular weight is probably going to do your self worth & self confidence a whole lot of good.

our beauty is not determined by our size or youth

I have to agree, although I think the basis is in having physical chemistry. Sadly you can have physical chemistry with an abusuve partner. Therein lies the danger. If you find physical chemistry with a decent person then you’ve basically hit the jackpot and it’s very true that no matter how either of you changes you always find your way back to each other, even once the hormones are no longer front and centre. By that point you’ve built a deep connection than transcends the physical. I feel hugely lucky to have found this eventually. If my partner started behaving badly now I’d assume he was ill.

Re. your updates, before doubting yourself any further or doing anything to try and change your own sexual response, I would try and get a look at his Internet history. There is something very disturbing about a man who has such extreme, narrow and rigid sexual preferences (fetishes?) with his long term partner and who can also force sex without your consent and possibly conflates sex with aggression. As others have said, porn adduction is a concern, maybe violent porn, as is his attraction to youthful androgynous body shapes.

I'm not usually someone to raise the alarm and shout LTB, but you have an 11yr old entering puberty so I would want to know fully what I was dealing with.

Fgs. Women come in all shapes and sizes and men are attracted to women of all shapes and sizes. A preference for a slim woman, smaller boobs or short hair doesn’t equal gay. Being a man who’s attracted to men makes you gay.

I am very confused here. You don’t find him attractive now that he is overweight, so why is it a problem that he feels the same way about you if you were heavier?

It’s also clear that there’s a huge communication issue in your marriage. Letting this go for four years isn’t unusual (I know many people in sexless marriages), but what they all have in common is a lack of communication.

The fact that you feel like you “wasted your youthful beauty on him” makes me believe that you place a lot of emphasis on your appearance and what you expect to receive in return.

Watch American drama series Masters of Sex. Particularly the couple played by Beau Bridges and Alison Janney

My lack of attraction to him is not based on his weight. I was simply pointing out the hypocrisy of an overweight man having rigid weight preference for his wife. My lack of attraction is based on his prior treatment of me and the incident of boundary violation that I previously described.

Buy him a plastic life size skeleton and stick a dress on it. Tell him it's his new girlfriend, but not to crush her with his excessive bulk. Laugh loudly at him whilst doing this.

Is he attracted to thin, flat chested women? It’s just that you said he only really looks at very young women, young men and you when you were very slim. I’m wondering if he’s going for a boyish / very young look. I am only mentioning this because you also mentioned the consent issue along with the zero lack of sexual interest unless you are thin and the whole thing seems a worry so YANBU.