So angry at husband and cannot let it go

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have a sexless marriage among many other problems. It began many years ago and the only common factor appears to be my weight. I am the only one who has actually tried to do anything about it....talking, Iingerie, reading books, forums, therapy etc. I am currently a UK size 6-8. He burys himself in video games hobbies and work. I vary between a size 6-10. At my heaviest post children I was a size 12.

We did not have sex for four years when I was heavier (size 12) and he only started showing any enthusiasm when I got back to size 8. This was despite him being obese on the BMI scale (105 kg at 178 cm) he is now 90 so still over weight. My BMI never even reached over weight at max it was 24.9.

I am so incredibly bitterly angry at him and do not want him to ever touch me again. When we did have sex after four years of nothing I felt repulsed by him completely. I am convinced he is gay or asexual.

I am angry at him for his arrogance that he could judge me as less attractive at a size 12 when he was himself very overweight. I feel I have wasted my youthful beauty on him.

I cannot get over this even though he is now putting effort in and has lost weight. I want nothing to do with him. AIBU?

Sorry but staying together for the children is a poor excuse. All you are doing is teaching them that a dysfunctional marriage is normal and they’ll take that into their own relationships as they grow up.
Why not show them that their mum is a strong woman who didn’t put up with shit and did something about it? You’ll all be much happier.
As a child of divorce believe me, you think you are hiding things from the children and all is well, but they’ll know.

It’s not the 1950s, no need for this stay miserable for the kids.

I left a sexless marriage I had no kids (it was that sexless) The damage it did to my self esteem was immense. It was a difficult decision to make and life after was tough for a while but life is too short to make yourself continually miserable.

Sexual roughness? Sounds like rape.

Stop wasting your life on this man. He’s nasty.

Like many people in emotionally abusive relationships, you have internalised a lot of the abuse, but there is still a little part of you that knows you should be angry.

Good. That is the part of you that is protecting yourself. Hold on to that.

Now find a counsellor (for yourself). You mention therapy in your post, but there is clearly still a lot to work through. Rebuild your self-esteem until you can see clearly what you want to do next.

If all is as you say it is then YANBU but what is your solution?

So he also raped you?

And? He is abusive.

Do you want your kids to grow up thinking your relationship is normal???

Would you want your own children to settle with a relationship like that? Because that's what you are teaching them.

From my own experience I’d say that the resentment will never go. You can choose to stay for your own reasons, or go, but I don’t think it will ever change.

YANBU to be angry with him.

YABU to expect things to continue as they are, with you "having nothing more to do with him" but still married. Either split up or try to mend your relationship.

He sounds awful. Get rid. You are worth so much more than this and so are your kids.

My first thought reading that is that he’s probably a porn addict and (horrible to say) into children rather than being gay. Just based on the body type he seems to like and your comments about him looking at teenagers. Can you see his internet history?

YANU to still be married.

I think there is something else going on, maybe he used your weight as an excuse (which is very shitty) for something else he didn’t want to discuss?

if you are with someone you love, then putting on weight is not going to stop you wanting to have sex with them. Even when I was heavily pregnant and at my heaviest postpartum which I felt disgusting, my other half still wanted to have sex and said I was beautiful.

I really think you need a serious sit down and talk, to not have sex for 4 years is absolutely crazy and rings huge alarms bells. There is definitely more to this and he needs to be honest so you can revaluate the marriage and make your choices.

What is the real reason you are staying with him? Don’t use your kids as an excuse for staying with him. You have been incompatible for four years. He ogles young men ( how old is he?) His father asked you if he’s gay. There’s been sexual roughness in your relationship. I mean really, why are you with him? It’s your choice if you stay with him for another 4 seconds let alone another 4 years. Move on. Life is too short!

Because skinny flat chested women can resemble the physique of a teenage boy.

What are your circumstances in regard to dc, your own financial position and prospects, the house, etc?

If you are an unwitting beard, the gaslighting is completely destabilising, and the need for truth so intense it makes it impossible to think straight. It’s an incredibly cruel thing to do another person.

Sometimes women have every reason to suspect their dh has had an affair, but because they can’t absolutely prove it, and he denies it, they don’t walk away even though the marriage is in tatters.

This is similar - and what it boils down to is that you end up clinging to the hope that you’re actually mad.

The thing is that you can just leave. You don’t have to stay in an unhappy relationship. Being unhappy is enough reason to leave, and leaving can be the start of regaining some mental equilibrium.

My advice is that you set aside the questions about his sexuality and focus for a while on the practicalities. Get your ducks in a row - you don’t have to act but if you know what’s what, it will give you some solid ground under your feet.

This is unsalvageable. See a solicitor. Kids or not, you can’t stay with someone you hate like this for any reason. The weight is a distraction here. You’ve mentioned abuse, rape, repulsion, loathing. None of this is okay in a family home whether you’re size 6 or BMI 100.

Are you from a culture where divorce is difficult?

You've had a long and unsatisfactory relationship with this man, that has included a lot of abuse from him. You do not have to spend the rest of your life in this situation. After such a long time, it may seem really hard to leave, but it will be worth it. Take control back over your life. You're allowed to find happiness.

When you don't want them touching you it's game over OP. You're wasting your life.

If you want to stay with him then you'll have to make your peace with it.

You don’t mention the age of your children, however they will pick up on the unhealthy relationship you and their father have. And it’s absolutely no reason to stay with him. Ask him to leave and rebuild your life and your self esteem. You’re still young enough to have a whole new life!

Staying with this man will be emotionally damaging your children whether you believe so or not.
No one has to stay together “because we have two children” in 2026 - what’s the real reason?
Yes it takes strength and massive effort to go it alone but ultimately you, and more importantly your kids, will be happier for it.

Both of you want different things in life. Nothing wrong with that. Time moves on, we change. For whatever reason he doesn’t fancy you, and you now don’t find him attractive. Either way both of you are not thriving. Children deserve parents that are happy and if that means splitting, work towards that. Both of you are simply surviving life, not thriving. Do you want this to be your life?

100% this. There was a man in my social circles who acted like this towards all his girlfriends, fancied girls with short hair who looked like teenage boys, was heavily into babysitter porn (babysitters are teenagers etc) and school girl porn - he must have had something dodgy on his computer. I reported him to the police for chatting up sixth formers when he was 40.
.

How grim. Life is too short. You deserve happiness and mind blowing sex!