So angry at husband and cannot let it go

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have a sexless marriage among many other problems. It began many years ago and the only common factor appears to be my weight. I am the only one who has actually tried to do anything about it....talking, Iingerie, reading books, forums, therapy etc. I am currently a UK size 6-8. He burys himself in video games hobbies and work. I vary between a size 6-10. At my heaviest post children I was a size 12.

We did not have sex for four years when I was heavier (size 12) and he only started showing any enthusiasm when I got back to size 8. This was despite him being obese on the BMI scale (105 kg at 178 cm) he is now 90 so still over weight. My BMI never even reached over weight at max it was 24.9.

I am so incredibly bitterly angry at him and do not want him to ever touch me again. When we did have sex after four years of nothing I felt repulsed by him completely. I am convinced he is gay or asexual.

I am angry at him for his arrogance that he could judge me as less attractive at a size 12 when he was himself very overweight. I feel I have wasted my youthful beauty on him.

I cannot get over this even though he is now putting effort in and has lost weight. I want nothing to do with him. AIBU?

If he's losing weight, making an effort it may not be for you but other men. I've known two men who upped and left their families for another man leaving wife and kids behind.

@DeepRubySwan is he really rich?. Thats the only explanation I can think of for this. Divorce and get as much as you can😁

Why would you stay with each other if it’s like this?

Op. If you’re staying because you have suspicions your children wouldn’t be safe with him alone, can you compile evidence so that you can get divorced and he isn’t allowed unsupervised access?

That’s a reason he shouldn’t be your husband FYI. It’s important to role model healthy relationships to the next generation.

(Not saying it’s easy to leave, but that’s not a reason to stay).

Sorry OP, sounds like the issue is your DH is gay, or at least bisexual but has never had the chance to explore sex with men which is putting him off sex with women. Perhaps when you’re a size 10-12 (which is no way large) you look more womanly which causes him more of an issue?

to be honest, I don’t think it really matters whether his problem is your weight, your gender or whether you keep beating him at Trivial Pursuit. The fact is you’re done with him, and the question is do you continue is a sexless, loveless, even friendless marriage, or do you make the leap?

make the leap.

Yeah, the poor children growing up in this environment 😕

Agreed
your dislike for him leaps off this page and must be v toxic for your children to actually live with

his dad thinks he is gay so its not like you will be shocking the in-laws with a break up

is he a good dad will he co parent well ?

my other thought is paedophile because he only wants sex when you are v small? Have you checked his hard drive / phone for porn ?

All the more reason not to model this horror of a relationship to impressionable children.

And? Don't you think your children are better off in the long run to have two happy parents. For God's sake don't stay together for the sake of the children.

It doesn't sound as if you want him near you anyway, so please do not stay with him "for the kids". Divorce him so you can both move on with your lives. Take it from someone who wishes they took their own advice many years earlier!

This sounds terrible. And OP, continuing to force sex when you've told him to stop because it hurts is not sexual roughness, it's sexual assault/rape. I know that's hard to acknowledge in a relationship (I've experienced exactly the same) but that is what it is. You should not stay with someone like this because you have children, why would you want to teach them that this is how relationships should be?

My thoughts exactly...very concerning

The ‘pushing past consent’ when you told him to stop is horrendous. He’s a rapist. I’m so sorry and I’m not surprised you’ve fallen out of love for him. And yes, the only liking you when you’re tiny is vile. He doesn’t see you as a human. I hope you can leave and move on and have a better life.

Thankyou everyone for your thoughts and time responding. My children are 18 and 11 the youngest Level 2 ASD and the 18 yo about to finish last year of school.

My husband and I never argue and never show anything in front of the kids although my 18 yr old suspects I think but generally family life is happy enough and the kids are stable and doing well.

It's been a tough patch with both my parents dying from cancer in 18months which impacted my mental health. On her death bed my mother told me she was worried about my marriage (she knew everything) and that started my process of reevaluation. Honestly the last few years has been so insanely difficult that my self esteem was rock bottom and the idea of leaving seems so hard. I am building up my support networks and just booked myself into a sex therapist to get her take on things and then I'll speak to women's legal service. For those who posted their own experiences thankyou. My sense of myself has just been shattered but only I can get myself out of this, and that's what I intend to do.

Thankyou it's very hard for me to accept this but thia event started the process of me just really struggling in the relationship.

Just divorce at this point. This is a horrific way to live

Sorry just rtft. Op this whole set up is awful I’m so sorry

Would you be happier on your own? In practical terms can you divorce and live without him? If so why on earth are you still with him - your life seems utterly miserable.
You need to create a happier life for yourself - be brave and take the ne necessary steps.

You could lose 90KG in an instant by dumping him and starting to work on getting your confidence and self esteem back.

My husband and I never argue and never show anything in front of the kids

Yeah, including a healthy affectionate relationship between their parents. Your 18 year old has grown up with this model of how to have a relationship. They'll have also seen their friend's parents who, I assume, do love each other. So no wonder it's causing some suspicion.

You'll always have two children together, regardless of being married or not.

Am pretty sure you, and the children would be happy in a house where the parents don't shout at each other and, well, basically don't like each other. Children will pick up on this vibe.

You know what? You have one shot at this. One life, if you don't think about children living in a happy house, why on earth would you want to live your life with anger, regret? Doesn't make sense to me.

Gently, you don’t need a sex therapist as sex isn’t the issue here.

You are just delaying having to separate but you’re just wasting more of your life.

Use that money to move out instead.

Its not always that easy to up sticks and clear off, especially with young children. The only reason I stayed with my abusive ex was because I had nowhere to go and no money.
"Just leave the Bstard" seems to be the mantra of Mumsnet. Unfortunately many are trapped in horrible relationships and have little chance of escape

You would he happier without him.