So angry at husband and cannot let it go

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have a sexless marriage among many other problems. It began many years ago and the only common factor appears to be my weight. I am the only one who has actually tried to do anything about it....talking, Iingerie, reading books, forums, therapy etc. I am currently a UK size 6-8. He burys himself in video games hobbies and work. I vary between a size 6-10. At my heaviest post children I was a size 12.

We did not have sex for four years when I was heavier (size 12) and he only started showing any enthusiasm when I got back to size 8. This was despite him being obese on the BMI scale (105 kg at 178 cm) he is now 90 so still over weight. My BMI never even reached over weight at max it was 24.9.

I am so incredibly bitterly angry at him and do not want him to ever touch me again. When we did have sex after four years of nothing I felt repulsed by him completely. I am convinced he is gay or asexual.

I am angry at him for his arrogance that he could judge me as less attractive at a size 12 when he was himself very overweight. I feel I have wasted my youthful beauty on him.

I cannot get over this even though he is now putting effort in and has lost weight. I want nothing to do with him. AIBU?

Poor man??? Really???

Lack of interest unless you were on the lower side of average weight and attraction to only 18-20 year olds as well as forcing you to be sexual when he wanted it, sounds like he could have a porn addiction.

Um, I'm a size 6-8 and now I feel like this is something I should be ashamed of, based on these comments comparing this sizing to kids sizes......do I need to go binge eat now or something to protect myself from men who like petite women?

Why put up with this? Your children will sense that you are not happy. All your lives will be better if you divorce.

As others said, he likes women very small and or young? Porn addicted paedo. Are your kids ok?
Also, leave him asap.

You know this isn’t right you need to separate regardless of the children. Life is too short to be with someone who makes you feel shit. You deserve to be happy.

It sounds like your self esteem is already rock bottom putting up with how he treats you. Leave him and regain your strength and self esteem - it’s not going to happen while you’re with him. The issue isn’t you, it’s him.

Your kids are not benefitting from growing up in a household with a loveless marriage.

OP this is a teachable moment. Read your words back and listen to yourself. Use your healthy and valid anger as a catalyst for change. You are grieving the loss of sex and connection with someone who loves and accepts you, it's extremely understandable. You feel judged unfairly and now that has turned into anger and resentment towards your husband. Your children will feel this emminate from you, it won't serve any of you to endure. He may well be gay/bi/ or just only find young skinny women attractive but the fact is he's not communicating his feelings openly with you. Put your oxygen mask on and find a life that's good for you.

We’re responding to the OP’s specific questions and updates. She’s said he’s been rough with her sexually as well and hasn’t respected her consent.

ok thanks - I didn't mean to hijack I just didn't know if I needed to be aware for protection if that makes sense - sorry OP and others

NRFT But he prefered you sexually when you were smaller surely a 6 or 8 is more a young teen size ?
Def divorcing for that alone, the kids will survive as will you as a single mum, so many of us on here have been through it

I mean really it’s over and was over years ago - his behaviour is abusive and toxic.

The other issues in our marriage are verbal abuse, an episode of sexual roughness (him pushing past consent when I said to stop because it hurt), general disrespect and him having long periods of dark low mood.

This poor man? That sounds like marital rape to me. Do you normally feel sorry for rapists?

It sounds toxic. Split up. Kids aren’t a good enough reason to keep living in this shitshow. Plenty of people split up and successfully raise kids.

After 27 years together, your kids must be grown up? It’s time to focus on yourself now. They will know your marriage is unhappy and might be relieved if you split up. Think about the years ahead and plan for freedom and a happier life.

You have wasted years of your life in this relationship that doesn’t work, do not waste any more time.

Life is too short to spend it being unhappy.

Your kids deserve to see you happy, as do you.

Are you family and friends very anti-divorce? (Reasons of religion, culture, just old fashioned.)

Hmmm, would you say your figure becomes less typically adult female, and more "boyish" at your lower weights OP?
I'd be interested in his online activities.
Regardless, he is an abusive man and you are wasting your life with him. Get out and create a happy home for your children.

You can leave.

You will still have 2 children together.

By leaving and co-parenting well, you could give both you, him and the kids a happier life.

You sound completely unhappy. Anger / resentment in a marriage never end well.

I’m just baffled you wasted 26 years with this loser already and good sex wasn’t even on the table.

Please leave this walking 4chan ad 😭

Do you always try to make everything about you?

I apologised so move on and stop trying to make this about you and whatever you presume to be witty and clever.

As PP said, my money is on porn addict and he's projecting whatever his viewing preference is onto you.

I don't blame you for being repulsed by this guy, he is repulsive. You talk about a size 12 being large, but come on OP, it's hardly mobility scooter territory.

Her love is not based on size, but I'd imagine being assaulted by him does feature, FFS.

This was my first thought too. Sorry op.