So angry at husband and cannot let it go

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have a sexless marriage among many other problems. It began many years ago and the only common factor appears to be my weight. I am the only one who has actually tried to do anything about it....talking, Iingerie, reading books, forums, therapy etc. I am currently a UK size 6-8. He burys himself in video games hobbies and work. I vary between a size 6-10. At my heaviest post children I was a size 12.

We did not have sex for four years when I was heavier (size 12) and he only started showing any enthusiasm when I got back to size 8. This was despite him being obese on the BMI scale (105 kg at 178 cm) he is now 90 so still over weight. My BMI never even reached over weight at max it was 24.9.

I am so incredibly bitterly angry at him and do not want him to ever touch me again. When we did have sex after four years of nothing I felt repulsed by him completely. I am convinced he is gay or asexual.

I am angry at him for his arrogance that he could judge me as less attractive at a size 12 when he was himself very overweight. I feel I have wasted my youthful beauty on him.

I cannot get over this even though he is now putting effort in and has lost weight. I want nothing to do with him. AIBU?

That's a bit of a jump, op hasn't mentioned any risk to her children. A man can be an abusive husband without being a pedophile.

Well you are the one putting up with this for a lame reason OP.

Bitterness is pointless. Grow a set and make plans that don't include him instead of toxifying your own environment and that of your kids.

One of you has to be the actual adult and it's clearly not going to be him.

You sound entirely focused on him. What he thinks, how he reacts, how much you loathe him, how much he has betrayed you. I can’t see you leaving while your thinking is so bound up with him. Please have some therapy and think about what you actually want in life, leaving him aside. What size do you think you looked better at? What do you like to do? Do you have work ambitions, travel, pleasures? Do you like being muscular, curvy, thinner? There are happy and companionate sexless marriages out there, but this toxic warring landscape sounds hellish and at the moment even if you left him I think you could risk being one of those exes who keeps talking shit about their ex-spouse for decades because you’ve never detached and moved on.

And?

So you say he only looks at women if they are very young (teen) and he’s only interested in you if you are very small physically…. that doesn’t sound like he’s attracted to men it sounds like something else.. have you checked his computers/phone/browsing history?

“ValueofNothing · Today 04:14
DeepRubySwan · Today 01:27
Because we have two children together.
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I'm going to assume you're from somewhere where separation and divorce are frowned upon, because at least here in the UK, plenty of people separate from their spouses, despite having children together.
Whatever culture you're from where having kids means you're expected to stay in an abusive marriage, nevertheless you need to figure out how to get away from him. Imagine spending the rest of your life with this vile abusive creep.”

This. Your DH sounds awful. It’s also very damaging for children to grow up with parents who have contempt for each other.

He's clearly into teenagers whether they're male or female.

LEAVE.

Plenty of women successfully rear children alone after leaving deeply unhappy marriages.

You're using that as an excuse to carry on with the status quo.

26 years!?!?! What a lot of time you've wasted!

I think you posted another almost identical thread a few days ago OP. Really, as you were told then, the only solution is to leave. Your poor children.

Idk what his real issue but it's clearly not your weight. Size 12 is the slimmest many women have ever been. He's using that as an easy excuse because many women are sensitive about their weight and it fits the cliché, horrid narrative of 'she put on weight and the sex went out of our marriage'. Since he's heavy himself it's a double standard anyway, and a loving man wouldn't have spoken to you this way in the first place.
He's obviously not being honest, and it sounds like time to get your ducks in a row and plan to move on.

Does he seem gay? If he is only attracted to young or very slim women then gay isn't what I'd be thinking...

It’s OK to get divorced. It isn’t really a marriage is it, it’s just a horrible situation neither of you have yet found the courage to leave?
Would you be hurt or angry if he said he was off, or actually would you be relieved? Presumably if he keeled over you wouldn’t be grieving on your own behalf for very long?

Would either of you be interested in couples therapy?

YABU for still being married to him.

That isn't a reason. Your marriage is dead at best, actually it's toxic and unhealthy. So four people have to endure a miserable, unhappy existence (including those two children)! YA both BU inflicting this on yourselves, each other and your children.

It really doesn’t make a lot of logical sense that he wants to have sex with you when you’re slimmer, that he’s is gay. I cannot see the correlation. Can you explain it?

It sounds like the marriage is over, for good reason. The thing you're hung up on seems minor but it may be easier for you to focus on that than the fact that he has not taken your relationship and feelings seriously. There is a better life for you than this. You are angry with him for much bigger reasons than this.

I can't believe you've wasted 26 years with him, I'd be angry at myself for allowing this........

You only get one life … don’t waste it in a shit relationship .
You will regret it. Maybe not yet but one day you’ll look back and wonder why you wasted all those years. And once they’ve gone - there’s no getting them back.

I don't think this is about your weight. Whilst many men have preferences for a woman to be a certain way, the desire to have sex usually very strongly outweighs this. I think there's an underlying issue with his sexual orientation, or his testosterone level is very low.

I think it’s time for a blunt conversation
if you want to to stay together for whatever reason
you need to find away forward
give up in the concept of marriage
you need to go to housemates and build your own life

I think it will be a relief for both of you

my friend has done this and they get in like a house on fire

you’ve nothing to lose

Look you obviously are not happy together. You hate him, maybe he feels the same towards you (obviously we don’t have his side). Just split up. The kids will be fine and happier long term with happy parents

i am sorry you are dealing with this-I’m angry on your behalf. I’d be worried about him-in regards to him liking you very thin…seems like he’s turned on by ED or childlike you. It’s just an icky feeling I get. I’m sorry.

Poor man? He’s a misogynist prick.

I am divorced op. My children are perfectly happy. AND they’ve learnt that they don’t have to put up with shit from their husband. AND they’re working hard at school to get the qualifications to get a good job to be financially independent so that they can get free. I did get divorced for myself as it happens, but with the benefit of hindsight, I also got divorced FOR my daughters.