So angry at husband and cannot let it go

[DeepRubySwan]

My husband and I have a sexless marriage among many other problems. It began many years ago and the only common factor appears to be my weight. I am the only one who has actually tried to do anything about it....talking, Iingerie, reading books, forums, therapy etc. I am currently a UK size 6-8. He burys himself in video games hobbies and work. I vary between a size 6-10. At my heaviest post children I was a size 12.

We did not have sex for four years when I was heavier (size 12) and he only started showing any enthusiasm when I got back to size 8. This was despite him being obese on the BMI scale (105 kg at 178 cm) he is now 90 so still over weight. My BMI never even reached over weight at max it was 24.9.

I am so incredibly bitterly angry at him and do not want him to ever touch me again. When we did have sex after four years of nothing I felt repulsed by him completely. I am convinced he is gay or asexual.

I am angry at him for his arrogance that he could judge me as less attractive at a size 12 when he was himself very overweight. I feel I have wasted my youthful beauty on him.

I cannot get over this even though he is now putting effort in and has lost weight. I want nothing to do with him. AIBU?

FFS poster says she knows her H won't approach her sexually because he deems her overweight even when she's underweight at times and has told her so and posters rush to tell her she's wrong and it's the poor fat lambs age or depression or what-the-fuck-ever lame excuse they want to throw at it.

Typical MN gaslighting.

I think SHE would know better WHY than we would given that she's the one who has had conversations about it. 🙄

OP has stated she has told her husband not to approach her sexually following approaches when she has lost weight so he obviously does want sex but only when she is slimmer.

Sounds kinda fishy. When I met husband I was like a size 10. I went to a size 12 for a long time after a surgery. After kids I was heavier still up to a 18 at my heaviest. I’m now a 16. My husband has never lacked interest in the bedroom, at any of these weights. He has also now gained weight and I still love him and want him. Sounds like an excuse.

I don’t really understand your logic. You think as you and your husband still fancy each other when fat, then everyone should? Surely you know human attraction doesn’t work like this for everyone?

I assume that yes if you actually love someone and care about them, who they are on the inside is what counts. No matter how we change we love and support each other through life. Isn’t that the whole point of marriage.
Not I will marry and love you as long as you stay skinny and get Botox or I’ll trade you in for someone else.

I'm a huge advocate of saving marriages especially when children are involved. In this instance I believe according to your posts your marriage is a lost cause. The only thing you should be considering now is when you intend to tell him it's over.

Sorry for what im
about to post, but it’s highly unlikely he will have gone without sex for 4 years with his type of mindset. he would have been getting it elsewhere.

Sadly I had this situation twice - identical behavior (and an ASD child in the second one). With the first chap he met me at 18. I was very young for my age, he was a lot older. I only left him for good after I met the second one who targeted me at work - this chap admitted that what drew him was my ‘lost’ vulnerability (unsurprisingly I was later DXd with Sadly I was way too naive to see this for the massive red flag it was. I had a child with him. Again, manipulation but I couldn’t face another termination. Stayed because I thought it was right thing to do (plus also on my knees with exhaustion). Put up with all the stuff you described and worse. I only managed to leave after a particularly bad night when he’d forced me out and locked himself inside with my child, so I got a neighbour to call the police. The lightbulb moment was when my ASD child said he didn’t want to live with his dad anymore.

of course from an outsider pov you could wonder what the heck I was thinking to let it get that far but only women who have experienced this can truly understand it.

co parenting with him wasn’t easy. I got an occupation order to stay in the flat - he had to leave and I got on with being a single parent. The shedding of the burden was indescribable. However hard it was being single parent it was never as hard as being with those men.

the best thing you can do for yourself now is discretely consult a solicitor. If money or access to money is an issue there are ways and means, regularly covered in these forums.

for your own sanity you must start taking steps to leave. But I cannot stress enough that you need to do this discretely as things could get much harder if he realises. Men like this never go quietly. Ditch the sex therapist and spend it on a solicitor. You can’t change his personality.

If he's gay or asexual then your weight would have nothing to do with the fact he didn't want sex with you though?

You need to leave him. He's not making you happy and that's a good enough reason to get rid.

Please start separation and leave this awful man. You're not wrong to suspect he's closeted to be honest. Many men are . But thats on him ,his terrible treatment of you is what's more important. Get rid of this absolute pig of a man

So sorry for your losses.

If you have any inheritance put it in a separate account and don’t touch it. Don’t use it for anything.

He is abusive. Full stop. You deserve better.

This man doesn’t love you. Doesn’t respect you. He’s not going to be nice if you leave him.

This is not a good enough reason. You have described a predator

It’s not your weight. He’s just saying that to hurt you because he’s an insecure twat about his lack of sex drive.

Are you very young? Surely you can't be unaware that this is why larger women are feared and disparaged by men who feel their masculinity is threatened? Fat is a feminist issue and all that passed you by?

I’d say the woman’s size isn’t relevant here. Plenty of bigger women have partners who can’t get enough of them. The four year gap is unlikely to be because you were a size 12.

As others have said gay men have often had beards who are super slim as there is a link to the body they actually desire

There is absolutely no way that an eighteen year old and an eleven year old are living in a home with two parents and are unaware that their relationship with one another is toxic. They will be able to see other people who like one another, friendships and relationships and how those people act towards one another. They will have friends who the like and who like them back who tray one another in a different way to their parents.

So he's a rapist and a pervert.
And abusive to top it all off.
Do not stay with this man

Why are you staying?
there is so much wrapped up in this obsession around weight when clearly your marriage is miserable.

I agree 100% with this. They are probably just used to it by now.

I simply cannot see how anyone is getting anything even remotely positive from this relationship.

The body they desire is a slim woman? Or they fancy young boys? And think slim women look like boys? As far as I'm aware they don't look like boys especially? But I don't doubt what you say is true among some people.

Exactly this. It's so sad 😭

Having had 2 children with a man does not mean that you have to remain married

Your children know it's a toxic marriage

Get out now

And you're raising your children in a household where the adults don't love each other, don't even like each other. Don't kid yourself that they won't pick up on that - you said yourself "my 18 yr old suspects I think". So will your youngest - they might not know where the tension is coming from, but they will know it's there.Would you be happy for them to be in a relationship like yours? Of course you wouldn't - so why are you modelling this relationship behaviour to them?

It can be difficult to contemplate ending a marriage. We can convince ourselves that it's better for everyone if we grit our teeth and soldier on. But it really isn't better for 'everyone' when you stand back and look at it. It isn't better for you. It isn't better for your children, living in such dysfunction. It isn't even better for him either, if you really think about it. In fact, it's better for no-one. If you really can't end the charade of happy families for yourself, then do it for your children.

You think he might be gay?
He looks at young women his daughters age.
He likes you to be tiny or he's not interested.
Do you look very young @DeepRubySwan .
Does he watch porn? What is he watching?

You sound so unhappy in this marriage and from your description I'm not surprised.
I hope you're able to safely extracte yourself when the time is right

Love does. And that’s what a marriage should be based on.