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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should this be the end?

221 replies

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:15

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 03/04/2026 19:18

I'm only surprised you're still with him. Your poor daughter having to live with this angry, abusive arsehole.

Original poster
MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:21

@pinkyredrosehes saying I allow her to speak to him like crap because she said stop being a prick. He called her a prick 30 mins before jokingly.

OP posts:
Auroraloves · 03/04/2026 19:21

He sounds horrible. It’s not always easy to leave but hope you get some good advice on here

Itsmetheflamingo · 03/04/2026 19:24

OP your life doesn’t need to be this stressful and exhausting. Of course it can be the end- your choice, and you can builf another lovely life.

you need to get divorced. You both stay in the hose until it’s sold or one of you buys the other out. No need to move out (of course it’s a different matter if its unsafe)

you’ll probably be financially better off with half the house and pensions

PolkaDotPorridge · 03/04/2026 19:25

If you stay with him and allow him to speak to her, to you and about her that way, don’t expect to have a good relationship with her in the future or with any grandchildren. He is a vile bully and you both deserve better.

cestlavielife · 03/04/2026 19:27

Your dd will be desperate to leave.
You have tolerated this for years. Poor girl.

Get inormed on house financials equity see solucitor and move out with dd so she can finish school in peaceful house start divorce
Unless she has a parent /her father to go live with? Let her know you understand if she needs to move out already if you are not ready to ....

Original poster
MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:29

@PolkaDotPorridgehes saying it was disrespectful her saying stop being a prick. And I agree she shouldn’t say that but the way he started screaming and shouting and then turned on my screaming at me was unbelievable. I

OP posts:
Charel2girl5 · 03/04/2026 19:30

I can’t believe I’ve just read this. Why on earth have you put an abusive pr*ck ahead of your daughter’s wellbeing. Get rid of the looser! My DH would never speak to my kids like that, if he did he wouldn’t get through the door again.

Villanousvillans · 03/04/2026 19:31

My honest opinion is that you are well overdue to leave this abusive controlling man.

See a divorce solicitor as soon as you can. Don’t tell him you want out until you know where you stand and you having everything in place.

You could consider speaking to an organisation like Women’s Aid for support and advice.

Littlejellyuk · 03/04/2026 19:34

You know you need to LTB.
If not for you own sake, then for your daughter's sake.
Time to get your ducks in a row 🦆🦆🦆
@MrsR85

Rhaidimiddim · 03/04/2026 19:36

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:15

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

" learns to keep her mouth shut " WTAF?

That is FAR MORE OFFENSIVE than her calling him a prick. Which he is.

You are underreacting to all the behaviour you describe. He is a male chauvinist pig straight out of the 1960s.

FFS get rid of him before your DD moves out and never comes back.

Original poster
MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:39

Charel2girl5 · 03/04/2026 19:30

I can’t believe I’ve just read this. Why on earth have you put an abusive pr*ck ahead of your daughter’s wellbeing. Get rid of the looser! My DH would never speak to my kids like that, if he did he wouldn’t get through the door again.

It’s a horrible reaction to a teenager saying stop being a prick. Especially when 30 minutes before he had called her a prick jokingly!

OP posts:
Cornonthecob17 · 03/04/2026 19:41

Get your stuff together before you tell him. Give all of your important documents to someone you trust. Make copies of any financial documents you can. Move any money that’s yours to new accounts he can’t access. Move anything important and sentimental to you out of the house. Find a safe place to stay and move your daughter out while he isn’t there. Excuse my language but fuck the house. No house is more important than your daughter’s wellbeing and your peace. Pick somewhere neutral and public to tell him. He does sound like he has the potential to become aggressive. Good luck.

Childanddogmama · 03/04/2026 19:42

You really do need to get out. You need to show your daughter that bring treated in such a way is not acceptable. You do not want her ending up in a similar realtionship.

pinkyredrose · 03/04/2026 19:44

Is the house in your name or joint?

You need to leave this piece of shit immediately.

Original poster
MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:45

pinkyredrose · 03/04/2026 19:44

Is the house in your name or joint?

You need to leave this piece of shit immediately.

It’s in joint names. We only got the mortgage last year. He’s just said to me you can have the house pay me out of it then. He said you won’t be able to afford the mortgage on your wages. He earns about £1,000 a month more than me.

OP posts:
Itsmetheflamingo · 03/04/2026 19:47

Cornonthecob17 · 03/04/2026 19:41

Get your stuff together before you tell him. Give all of your important documents to someone you trust. Make copies of any financial documents you can. Move any money that’s yours to new accounts he can’t access. Move anything important and sentimental to you out of the house. Find a safe place to stay and move your daughter out while he isn’t there. Excuse my language but fuck the house. No house is more important than your daughter’s wellbeing and your peace. Pick somewhere neutral and public to tell him. He does sound like he has the potential to become aggressive. Good luck.

dont do any of this. Really poor advice.

the only documentation you need is your marriage certificate, and you can order another copy of that.

Original poster
MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:49

We have a car on finance. Last time he took the car off me because we car share and it’s in his name so I had to taxi to work.
Im so sorry I don’t mean to drip feed at all I’m all over the show whilst he has just downloaded himself a film to settle down and watch.

OP posts:
Itsmetheflamingo · 03/04/2026 19:49

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:45

It’s in joint names. We only got the mortgage last year. He’s just said to me you can have the house pay me out of it then. He said you won’t be able to afford the mortgage on your wages. He earns about £1,000 a month more than me.

Show quote history

This is all a waste of time. Detach from the bickering. The financial negotiation is months away. First and foremost Just try and get some space and protect your daughter. Go out- even if it’s only McDonald’s for pudding. Get some space and air. This is a marathon not a sprint. The arguments don’t matter anymore

Itsmetheflamingo · 03/04/2026 19:51

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:49

We have a car on finance. Last time he took the car off me because we car share and it’s in his name so I had to taxi to work.
Im so sorry I don’t mean to drip feed at all I’m all over the show whilst he has just downloaded himself a film to settle down and watch.

Things like this may well happen but you’ll have to find a way to work round them. When you’re divorced you’ll need your own transport so start thinking about things like that.

pinkyredrose · 03/04/2026 19:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Ansjovis · 03/04/2026 19:53

You're not overreacting, if anything you're underreacting. My mother married a man who didn't treat me at all well and as a result I no longer speak to her. What's done is done, in my view you need to focus your energy on preventing further damage to your daughter and your relationship with her.

Midlifecrisisaverted · 03/04/2026 19:55

I was your daughter. My mum's DP was exactly like this and it came to a head when I was 17, after years of issues. She never left him. I couldnt wait to leave home. It fractured all our relationships irreparably. I lost my relationship with my mum because of him, I wish she'd had the strength to leave. She's still with him, he's still an arsehole, I don't visit. I see her occasionally (away from the house though), and he has never changed. Choose your daughter, not him. Difficult as it may be.

diddl · 03/04/2026 19:57

Sounds as if you should have left a long time ago.

Who calls a child a prick jokingly?

“needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. -that is absolutely disgusting.

“stop being a prick” -seems perfectly acceptable in the circumstances.

TON618 · 03/04/2026 19:58

I'm glad your daughter gave him back chat. It could be the best thing that ever happened to both of you. Make sure your finances are a secure as possible and liberate yourselves from this wazzock.