Should this be the end?

[MrsR85]

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

This!!! And for all his crap, you’re joint owners and it goes both ways. He would also need to buy you out. Stop letting his empty threats deter you from protecting your daughter.

I can't believe what your poor daughter has had to put up with for years? Of course you need to divorce a man who behaves like this towards your child!

Get an appointment with a solicitor and get some legal advice. Stay in the house until it's sold, grey rock him and plan your post divorce life.

You need to SHOW your daughter that she doesn’t need to accept abuse in her life by leaving him. Otherwise she will end up in an abusive relationship as this is her “normal”.

You keep saying that what she said was unacceptable - but what he said to her first was wildly unacceptable too. Dont you realise that? Telling her to keep her mouth shut? Is he from the 50’s - the 1550’s that is?

All his behaviours you have quoted are emotional, financial, verbal abuse.

Youre a boiled frog and need to get out of the pot NOW.

It doesn’t matter. If it’s on finance it’s a matrimonial asset. He’ll have to buy you out of your share of he wants it.

Please just see a solicitor who can explain exactly where you stand on all of these details, and it’s likely in better stead than you seem to think.

what have I just read! This guy is an abuser. No one deserves to live with someone like this. Mortgage or no mortgage.
spare your daughter from this aswell as yourself. Book yourself into a divorce solicitor asap.
Then tell him it’s over. Can a family member come to support you with it ? Or contact women’s aid for support in forming a plan to leave.

Respect is earned.

Why shouldn't she say that? He isn't her dad, nor does it seem he wants to be a parental figure. It's not her fault you married a jackass. She's old enough to have her own adult relationships with people.

Honestly can't believe you have let your daughter stay in this environment for so long. It's fucking appalling.

My honest opinion is that you’re putting this man above your child and that’s not acceptable.

why have you allowed this for years? I’m sorry but this is totally on you. Your job is to protect your daughter. Can you step up and do it now?

You don’t have long left to live with your DD. So I’d do absolutely everything in my power to give her the best version of you, the happiest of home life while she is still under your roof. So do whatever you need to do to make that happen, it will affect your whole relationship in the future. She’s 17, so it’s really now or never.
Leave him today.

I imagine if you left him the regrets would all be on his side (and tough luck). He thinks you won’t take action, and he’s had his outlet now which is why he’s settling in for a film. Get legal advice, and take the first steps towards a better life for you and your daughter. The financials can all be worked out and are not a reason to stay.

Thank you for all the replies. I do hear what people are saying, and I understand why there is concern, particularly about my daughter.

To be clear, I’m not saying the situation is acceptable, and I’m not proud of how things escalated tonight on my side. I reacted in a way I wouldn’t normally and I’m taking responsibility for that.

What I’m trying to do now is step back and make sense of a long-running pattern of behaviour that has built up over a number of years, rather than just focusing on what happened in one evening. There have been ongoing issues with shouting, conflict, and control around money and practical things, and I’ve reached a point where I’m trying to understand what my next steps should realistically look like.

I also want to be honest that this isn’t a simple situation where I can just immediately walk away from a shared home and finances, but I am actively thinking about what needs to change going forward for both myself and my daughter.

I am reading everything that’s been said and taking it seriously. I just need to process things properly and think clearly in the middle of a very emotional situation.

Why are all of your replies focused on the fact she called him a prick as though you're responding to critical comments about that when no one has really said anything about ut?

In case you still think it was bad that your daughter called him a prick, it sounds like it was about time someone did so good for her ❤️

To be clear, I’m not saying the situation is acceptable, and I’m not proud of how things escalated tonight on my side. I reacted in a way I wouldn’t normally and I’m taking responsibility for that.

Why are you replying to what you seem to have thought people would say rather than what they have actually said?

As another poster said it’s like you’re replying to what you thought the replies would be rather than reading them.

I bet you’ll be better off financially with the divorce settlement than you are now. The priority is housing both of you. He can raise a larger mortage than you. That’s an argument for you to get more than 50% plus the same % of his pension.

Sit & work your finances out first, what can you afford? Can you change jobs/ work more overtime ect? If you can’t pay him out, sell take 50% and part own / part rent somewhere, downside. Everything is possible. Can you go to your mums for a temporary time while you save more to buy? A house is just a house it’s not a home by the sounds of it.

Stop trying to make sense of the situation.

It’s extremely straightforward, you are married to someone who is abusing you and your daughter.

Instead of useless speculation on past behaviour, plan how you are going to get yourself and your daughter out of this situation.

It’s never simple to leave a marriage. Your whole life is tied up with someone else. It’s the same for every couple. However, it can be done and you need to bloody well do it. If not for yourself then for your daughter.

Im sorry I don’t know. I feel unwell I feel really upset and stressed I’m not thinking or understanding things clearly.

Of course. Your nervous system is deregulated, you’re overwhelmed and hyper vigilant.

go out for an hour. Deep breaths

Go to bed and read this tomorrow

He is a prick. Your daughter was right. You need to have your daughters back.

Agreed. This must be hell on earth gor her. Please leave for her and for you. You sound like a lovely lady who deserves so much better.

Your daughter was right, he is a prick.

Go see a solicitor as soon as you can and find out the best way to proceed. He's a bully to you and your daughter.

You threw a clothes airer? Doesn’t sound like any of you regulate emotion very well if I’m honest.

YABU not to have immediately defended your daughter when he said she should keep her mouth shut. I cannot tell you how strongly I would have responded in her defence. Frankly, you need a reality check. She’s 17 now, nearly an adult and you allowed HIM to be her role model!