Should this be the end?

[MrsR85]

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

OK dear. Have a good evening.

Yes This Is The End
Deep breath
Slow down
Counsel your daughter- ensure she knows the plan
Stay quiet
Ducks- financial ones
Divorce

Good on you for finally reacting, though.

Work on my anger? I’m not normally an angry person nor do I retaliate like that but I was at the end of my tether.

What inheritance and where have you put it? Unless it’s in joint names or you’ve used it on the house it’s usually separate from joint finances/ assets.
Contact women’s aid, see a solicitor, keep a log. Even if you do nothing this time, use it for next time.
Get the ducks in a row. Save what you can. Get an equal split and sell up and get out or one of you remortgages.

He sounds like an absolute cunt.

Your daughter was 100% right to call him out and good to see she can stand up for herself. It sounds like you’re both very unhappy. Please get some legal advice on your position then you can plan a way forward and hopefully leave this abusive relationship.

My ex was the same, but physically violent too. He broke my ribs by throwing me against a wall. He too threatened re money. When I came to divorce him, he didn't have a let to stand on. Pave the way so as to give yourself surety. Find a lawyer who you trust and perhaps get legal aid if you can (and I suspect that you will qualify). This man is dangerous. Be strong. x

No I’m absolutely not saying a house is more important than my daughter at all, if I need to sell in the future so be it but we have nowhere to go at the minute.

We're so sorry to hear you're going through this, OP.
We hope you don't mind, but the community have flagged this thread based on their genuine concern for you. When these threads are flagged to us we like to link to our web-guides, which we hope may be helpful. We appreciate you may not need this level of support, but If you'd like to, please do feel free to take a look at our Domestic Violence page.
Very best wishes from all at MNHQ

You need more anger. Do not apologise for being angry.

I'd agree LTB is way overused on MN and it's usually not that helpful, but usually there are shared children which makes LTB difficult. In this case there's nothing keeping them together beyond the short term inconvenience of untangling finances which really isn't that big a drama.

From someone that grew up in a household like this and cut my own dad off at the age of 23, please leave him and specifically make sure your daughter knows that you are sorry for allowing him to behave this way towards her and you’re not doing it anymore. I questioned so many times why my mum allowed it to happen to me and my sister, for so many years and didn’t leave until forced to. Whilst I understand that adults have decisions to make, she really should have left long before she did and it damaged both mine and my sisters relationships with her. My dad died last year (I was still NC with him until then and it was over 20 years of NC) and my sister no longer speaks to me or my mum. The damage is prolific. Please put her and you first.

There's always one. Ignore them.

Thank you but sorry what does this mean?

Go to a refuge or temporary accommodation via the council but get an IDVA worker to help you because councils don't always follow the rules. You can then fight for the house whijat you and dd are safe. You need to protect yourself and your dd. Leaving will protect you both.

Many years ago, when I was in a similar relationship, I realised that I didnt like the reactive, always tense, moody person that I was turning into. All caused by my abusive ex. It took a while to unpick all the strands of the relationship and actually the first thing I did was move out of our shared flat. It was the best decision I ever made.

Please go and give your daughter a hug. Say thank you to her for standing up to him and tell her your plans.

They have provided yo with helpful guides as to how you might wan to proceed

Given what you've written about your partner, I don't think your DD's behaviour is unacceptable.
It's awful that women are the ones who need to leave in these situations. Do you have any evidence of his abuse (he is abusive, that's clear in your OP)? Consider going to Women's aid and getting some legal advice so you can understand all the options and what life could look like in terms of accommodation and finances if you leave.

@MrsR85it means you do have options.

I’ve read your posts and scanned the others and you need to get out.

do you know what you need to teach your daughter. That she matters more than anything else ever.

so you go and get her and you leave. And you contact the numbers given and work the legal stuff out later.

this has gone on to long, neither of you deserve this but your bravery in posting tonight, run with it and go.

she won’t hate you for that she will forever respect and remember you taking a stand and keeping her safe.

The other option being call the police, report the abuse and have him removed. Again the rest can be sorted later.

but act now.

I am so sorry to be blunt but there is nothing to unpick here, he is an abusive prick - who has settled down to watch a film to be arrogant- he thinks he has won and he thinks you won’t do anything, you won’t leave!

Your DD may start to pull away from you soon, you are not protecting her, you are choosing him over her, she is having to stand her ground against him - he is a prick, she is right?! Why would anyone chastise her, for telling the truth!!

You now need to stand up for her and you, I have left an abusive relationships its really, really hard - but you need to protect her, you need to improve her life and yours by being away from him.

Act now, show DD you mean business and talk to her - say you will sort it out. You cannot keep putting her and you through this- get help, start looking for homes to rent and get out. You can take him to court later for the house.

In the next day or 2 move out everything you value, plus documents and get them somewhere save. Look after yourself, life will be so much better without him - think of all the things you could do!! ❤️❤️ No more treading on egg shells!! But please for your daughter’s sake -leave.

It’s unacceptable and abusive for him to shout and/or swear at anyone.

He obviously is able to regulate himself, as I assume he doesn’t shout at his boss, colleagues or clients at work.

Your DD shouldn’t have been subjected to years of abuse, even if she were his biological daughter, but even worse from her mum’s partner. Nor should you, of course. If you’ve told him numerous times over years that his behaviour is unacceptable, then he’s clearly choosing to be that way and leaves you with no option but to leave the abuse.

You must put your daughter first. Have you spoken to her about how she feels about it? Maybe take her out for a walk this weekend and have a good chat.

Consult a good local family solicitor to find out your options. You may qualify for Legal Aid due to the abuse (verbal and possibly financial).

Do you know what, my ex used to shout 2 inches from my face, and I'd do it back because as a young woman I thought I was standing up to him.

Thank God we never had children because it was so unhealthy.

My current relationship is nothing like that or like yours.

My point being, it's an unhealthy relationship and always will be and its all your daughter has ever known.

She was picked at, retaliated (like you and the clothes airer) and then went up and listened to a fight which escalated into throwing things. That's just awful.

You need to accept its a bad relationship and move on. Easier said than done, but those are the details to sort out once you've made the right decision.

OP obviously I don’t know the whole story of your relationship but some things of the things you have said are ringing alarm bells for me. If you have a look at this website and anything seems familiar then I would recommend contacting a DA charity for some support. Abuse is often a pattern of behaviour rather than a single incident.

https://www.charliehealth.com/post/what-is-reactive-abuse

My inheritance. It’s in a different bank account in my own name my grandparent sadly died at Christmas. Its a few thousand.

It sounds like what she said to him was entirely appropriate and justified. I think he has brainwashed you into believing that yourself and your daughter are always the ones in the wrong.

She’s right, he’s a prick, you need to focus on your plan to get both you and your daughter away from him.