Should this be the end?

[MrsR85]

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

It would have been over the first time he said anything remotely like "you need to learn to keep your mouth shut" to my daughter.

Im all for stepparents coparenting but you will not speak to my child that way.

But thats just me

There is no need whatsoever for OP to leave the house and waste money on rent.

they both stay in the house until it’s sold. This is what peope do when they get divorced. It’s not common for families to afford running two households whilst money is still tied up in the family home

OPs biggest blocker seems to be where she’ll live. But the answer is simple- where she lives now. The divorce will take an average 9 months, and they move out when they have their financial settlement

Yes, so what it your advice? Practically how is OP meant to easily leave?

you’ve not given any advice just sneery judgement

Yes we know this @MrsR85 - we all clocked that in your first post.

The important thing is what are you going to do about it?

See a solicitor. Get advice on finances. Do a budget and calculate what you need to be able to support yourself and your DD. Start considering whether you can take on the mortgage or whether you can bear to stay living there until the house is sold. Consider therapy for you and your DD.

Basically, rather than focusing on this one argument (which clearly shows this relationship is dead in the water), start making plans to change the situation for you and your DD.

And stop listening to him telling you what you can and can’t afford. Do your own calculations for yourself.

Really good advice, please do exactly what’s said.

@MrsR85 from your description of the recent incident it sounds like your DH normalised the use of the word ‘prick’ in communication, then fiercely objected when your daughter used it. She is only 18, her brain is still re-wiring and testing boundaries, so she may have used it with an inappropriate tone, but this does not make it ok for an adult aggressive in response.

Yes, you threw something. Was this an overtly aggressive move or was it defensive? It sounds like you have been navigating being controlled for a while eg the car, being demeaned, and aggression. That would put anyone into a constant, low-level fight or flight mode. So when his aggression peaked I’m not surprised you may have thrown something as you were pushed. Do you usually ‘flop’ and let his aggression win? I wonder what was different this time?
HOWEVER neither verbal or physical violence should be tolerated. Plus it sounds like things are escalating. You need to make a change. If he won’t engage then you have to find the strength to get you and your daughter out of this before something worse happens, from either direction.
What can be your first step to safety?

Is every poster supposed to give a detailed, numbered list? Or can we share whatever advice we feel able to?

this, and never leave her alone with him.

also this

But it wasn’t advice
so….

If socal services were involved they would be telling her to leave. Ie temporary accommodation/refuge. Because the child's safety consumed first no matter what. They would tell her to leave for her and her child's safety. Op would then fight for the house from a place of safety..

It could take months to sell a house during that time her dd is still exposed to DV.

I get that some people are coming across as very judgemental and harsh. Thats not ok at all. I think its awful. When your in a situation its very hard to find a way. Especially if you don't know how to do things and whats avaliable what help there is.

Whilst the poster was unfair in what they said, can you not see that people might not be wrong for thinking you won't leave and that you will allow this to continue, as you were purportedly all set to leave him nigh on 3 years ago and, well, didn't?

There’s a high degree of ignorance surrounding leaving an abusive relationship, shown on this thread.

It’s known that victims of abuse have their confidence systematically chipped away for years. This results in them thinking they can’t leave because it’s too high a mountain to climb. They feel overwhelmed by the practicalities of leaving and going it alone. It’s very clear that @MrsR85 is feeling like this, so posters repeatedly berating her for not leaving isn’t helpful.

Even when it’s physical abuse, victims stay. Along with feeling like everything is too much for them, victims have their entire lives tied up with their abuser. This includes property, finances, children, pets, etc., etc.

Please have some empathy with @MrsR85 and stop with the criticism.

👏🏼

very well said. Thank you for putting it across so well.

Hopefully those posters berating OP will take this on board

they both stay in the house until it’s sold. This is what peope do when they get divorced.

Not when the atmosphere is so toxic.

The suggestion was to get away for few weeks reflect see how life is on the other side.

Agree some ground rules if they are both going to stay in the house.
And whike the tension is so high maybe a reset is needed

100% @Villanousvillans is quite correct IME.

I’d add how difficult it is to tell anyone about experiencing abuse. Feelings of shame and guilt are common (which of course there shouldn’t be).

There’s also a need to try to rationalise, because abuse twists the mind and/or sometimes triggers a defensive reaction (like throwing an airer), which perpetrators seize on to say: “See, you’re just as bad” or to justify further abuse, e.g. “I shout at you but not others because no one else speaks to me like that”.

Another big reason it’s difficult to reach out is the risk/fear of being judged or blamed in some way, adding to the sense of shame and guilt (e.g. “I told you he was trouble”, “Why have you let it go on so long”, “Think of the damage to your kids”). This can feel patronising, as if you’re too stupid to have thought this yourself. It can be counterproductive, by deterring the person from seeking professional advice (e.g. legal advice) for fear of further judgement.

Another risk is receiving an absolute barrage of advice: well-meaning of course, but often unsolicited and/or conflicting. Instead, it helps to hear how other people have felt or successfully dealt with it.

More women will talk about abuse when they receive empathy and help with rationalising, e.g. “Yes, your DD was abusive (name-calling), though it’s likely a defensive reaction to the abuse. And it still doesn’t justify your DP shouting at her - or even you shouting at her. Because adults should be able to respond calmly in the face of teenage behaviour”.

OP asked for kindness. And has been assertive, calm and set boundaries (stepping away) in response to feeling judged. That’s a v good sign she and her DD will be OK, IMHO. Stay strong, OP 💐. One step at a time.

Great post @EdithBond 👏

Please, please leave him. He sounds just like my ex stepfather. He was also physically abusive, but only to me, and I feel a lot of resentment towards my mother for not leaving him sooner.

I can't believe you're still with him. You need to prioritise your daughter which should have happened years ago. Start to get your ducks in a row and leave him . Don't say anything yet until you're all sorted or as sorted as you can be . I feel for you op but your daughter should've come first long before this

There is such a thing as mental abuse and that is what he is doing to you. Get some legal advice asap. He can leave the house because your daughter is under 18yrs of age. He is very unpredictable and you and your dd should not be living under these conditions. Plan, withdraw the money, the inheritance you put into savings. Make plans before he has an inkling....He is a bully, and a very nasty man.

He is abusive. You need support from your local domestic abuse charity to leave the relationship safely.

You absolutely should leave him. Be a good role model for your daughter... What would you advise her if she was in your situation?

Quite frankly, it sounds like he is a prick, so I'm kinda on your daughter's team... not sure what recommends him at this juncture. He sounds insufferable.

The question you have to ask is, do I want to grow old with this man? Your daughter will soon leave (they clearly don’t get on), and that will mean it’s just you and him. I saw an elderly couple in Tesco last month. The whole way round the store he was moaning at her and occasionally raising his voice. I later saw them in the car park, where he was examining the receipt and yelling. (God some men are SO f- ing awful. Ugghhh, I can still see his sour, mean little face, and her sad, broken face.)

Another thing to consider is your future relationship with your daughter. Will she want to come and visit if he is there? When men like that retire, they become insular and hostile. They also cling to their wives. She isn’t going to want to see him, and he’s not going to want to see her. After all, they aren’t biologically related, so there’s nothing to tie them. He won’t want you to see her either.

I’d of given him a knuckle sandwich