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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should this be the end?

221 replies

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:15

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 21:57

EdithBond · 03/04/2026 21:40

It’s unacceptable and abusive for him to shout and/or swear at anyone.

He obviously is able to regulate himself, as I assume he doesn’t shout at his boss, colleagues or clients at work.

Your DD shouldn’t have been subjected to years of abuse, even if she were his biological daughter, but even worse from her mum’s partner. Nor should you, of course. If you’ve told him numerous times over years that his behaviour is unacceptable, then he’s clearly choosing to be that way and leaves you with no option but to leave the abuse.

You must put your daughter first. Have you spoken to her about how she feels about it? Maybe take her out for a walk this weekend and have a good chat.

Consult a good local family solicitor to find out your options. You may qualify for Legal Aid due to the abuse (verbal and possibly financial).

I said this to him, I said you don’t shout at anyone else like this only us because you can get away with it and his response to that was, no one else speaks to me like that, that’s why!

OP posts:
Notyouagaindear · 03/04/2026 22:13

He has downloaded a film and is relaxed because he presumes you’ll put up with his behaviour again. Let him think this for now, there’s nothing be gained from trying to reason with him tonight.

Your next moves should be something like this:
1 - get your DD away from this toxic situation. Is there anyone trusted she can stay with for a few days?
2 - take stock of what you have, get your paperwork/bank statements/ID etc in order. Any nasty text messages - screenshot & print.
3 - get urgent legal advice. Maybe you can’t afford to buy him out, but surely downsizing to a flat or whatever is preferable to this current setup.
4 - don’t be afraid to get support from Women’s aid

Notyouagaindear · 03/04/2026 22:15

I said this to him, I said you don’t shout at anyone else like this only us because you can get away with it and his response to that was, no one else speaks to me like that, that’s why!

Kindly, there’s absolutely no point trying to have a sensible conversation with him. You can’t argue with stupid and it’s just a waste of your energy, which would be best spent trying to sort out your next moves.

bigboykitty · 03/04/2026 22:19

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:21

@pinkyredrosehes saying I allow her to speak to him like crap because she said stop being a prick. He called her a prick 30 mins before jokingly.

She was just being factual. I think you're done here. He's an abusive prick.

Moveoverdarlin · 03/04/2026 22:19

The only one that is talking sense is your daughter. He is a prick. And I wouldn’t be remotely apologetic for her either. She’s right.

pikkumyy77 · 03/04/2026 22:20

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:21

@pinkyredrosehes saying I allow her to speak to him like crap because she said stop being a prick. He called her a prick 30 mins before jokingly.

You are focusing on the wrong thing. He is controlling and abusive . Get out and save two lives: yours and your daughter’s.

MustWeDoThis · 03/04/2026 22:25

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 19:15

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

Yes your daughter -should- have spoken like that. She had the confidence to defend herself. Please don't tell your daughter she shouldn't stand up for herself when it comes to abusive men. You might be OK with those standards, but your daughter doesn't have to be! I grew up in the same situation - Abusive step-dad, and a Mother who eventually turned out to be just like him. You've just described my teenage years to a T.

Get your daughter out of this situation, for the love of god do it now! It won't turn out well for your daughter, if you don't. I'm talking from experience.

CliantheLang · 03/04/2026 22:26

hazelberry · 03/04/2026 21:04

He is abusive. There's no maybe about it. Why do people excuse abusive men on here?

Show quote history

I just want to remind everyone that men on Reddit brag about coming on here (with their dicks in their hands, of course) to teach all the silly little women how to be properly submissive to their golden cocks.

It's especially bad on weekends and holidays.

It's one of those things that once you see it, you can't unsee it.

hazelberry · 03/04/2026 22:27

CliantheLang · 03/04/2026 22:26

I just want to remind everyone that men on Reddit brag about coming on here (with their dicks in their hands, of course) to teach all the silly little women how to be properly submissive to their golden cocks.

It's especially bad on weekends and holidays.

It's one of those things that once you see it, you can't unsee it.

Show quote history

MN has been full of wind up threads today. I'd say there was an invasion from somewhere.

PhoebeFluffingtonFyffe · 03/04/2026 22:28

TON618 · 03/04/2026 19:58

I'm glad your daughter gave him back chat. It could be the best thing that ever happened to both of you. Make sure your finances are a secure as possible and liberate yourselves from this wazzock.

It isn't backchat. That implies he's someone in authority she is being cheeky towards, It's a woman standing up for herself against a controlling misogynist.

Horses7 · 03/04/2026 22:49

Hope it works out for you and your daughter - no one should live like this.

DallazMajor · 03/04/2026 22:57

Living with a controlling person changes you. You act out in anger through pure frustration.

Get away and rediscover your peace.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 03/04/2026 23:19

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 21:57

I said this to him, I said you don’t shout at anyone else like this only us because you can get away with it and his response to that was, no one else speaks to me like that, that’s why!

Show quote history

There's no point getting into disagreements with him. You know now that you need to end this marriage. Focus on your exit strategy, nothing else (other than your DD of course).

Bryonny84 · 03/04/2026 23:31

SuchiRolls · 03/04/2026 21:19

From someone that grew up in a household like this and cut my own dad off at the age of 23, please leave him and specifically make sure your daughter knows that you are sorry for allowing him to behave this way towards her and you’re not doing it anymore. I questioned so many times why my mum allowed it to happen to me and my sister, for so many years and didn’t leave until forced to. Whilst I understand that adults have decisions to make, she really should have left long before she did and it damaged both mine and my sisters relationships with her. My dad died last year (I was still NC with him until then and it was over 20 years of NC) and my sister no longer speaks to me or my mum. The damage is prolific. Please put her and you first.

This. This is also me. Mum stayed with abusive husband until at 16 I left. Our whole family suffered, I never see any of them. 50 years on, the damage remains and ruined lives.

if you can stay and sort out a divorce then do it. If your daughter would rather you leave then do it. There’s another house, another life and I would urge you to go and get it. I wish you all the best x

idontknowhowtodreamyourdreams · 03/04/2026 23:33

Get this awful man out of your lives. You and your daughter deserve better.

Whatwouldnanado · 03/04/2026 23:39

With all respect it’s time to get a grip. This is your one life! You and your daughter deserve better than this dreadful situation. Would you want her to stay with a partner like this? Make a plan, get support as others have said. Best revenge is a life well lived and all that.

Jollyhockeystickss · 03/04/2026 23:53

You do realise his behaviour is abusive towards your daughter and you think shes wrong calling him a prick! You are teaching your dont how to be in an abusive relationship and also dont be surprised when she stops talking to you when shes older for what you put her through

Bristolandlazy · 04/04/2026 00:01

What a horrible thing to say to her, and to obey react when she spoke back. She's a teenager, it's her job to test boundaries. He's supposed to be the grown up, it all sounds toxic to me. I would be gone.

Jollyhockeystickss · 04/04/2026 00:03

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 21:16

No I’m absolutely not saying a house is more important than my daughter at all, if I need to sell in the future so be it but we have nowhere to go at the minute.

Show quote history

But i dont think you will leave him and next time when he screams in your daughters face you wont leave and then when he pushes her you wont leave and when she leaves you will be relieved as you blame her...

BauhausOfEliott · 04/04/2026 00:51

I’d probably call him a prick too, if I ever had the misfortune to meet him.

He’s abusive and it sets an awful example to your poor daughter that you put up with him.

magiciansgirlonce · 04/04/2026 01:04

Hello is a bully, abusive and could he turn violent? I know how it escalates and depending on money you have my advice is to get away whilst you can. Easier said than done, and believe me I know. If you can't or don't want to leave him you will have to bite the bullet cand stand up to him. Turn the tables on him. The only way to treat bullying men. Sorry but this is the best advice I can do..Get to it. Stop him.

ImFinePMSL · 04/04/2026 01:10

He’s more than a prick. He’s a cunt.

You’re in an abusive relationship. It can’t continue. You need to divorce.

Please seek help in real life. Confide in your family and contact WomensAid when he is next out of the house.

You need to put the safety and welfare of your daughter first.

mommatoone · 04/04/2026 01:14

Well, your daughter was right - he is a prick and I'm sure she witnesses/ takes on board more than you think. Get rid of him and show your daughter that his behaviour is unacceptable.

TON618 · 04/04/2026 05:59

PhoebeFluffingtonFyffe · 03/04/2026 22:28

It isn't backchat. That implies he's someone in authority she is being cheeky towards, It's a woman standing up for herself against a controlling misogynist.

Edited
Show quote history

Fair comment. I framed it that way as it's the context of how it was framed and made into a drama by him.

EdithBond · 04/04/2026 07:23

MrsR85 · 03/04/2026 21:57

I said this to him, I said you don’t shout at anyone else like this only us because you can get away with it and his response to that was, no one else speaks to me like that, that’s why!

Show quote history

Abusive people usually try to justify their abuse. But there’s no justification for it.

Teenagers can be v rude and insolent. My teenage kids said all sorts to me - really horrible stuff. Teachers also have to deal with it.

They never shout and swear in response. They’re very firm, calm and mature. So, when my kids were rude to me, when I could feel my emotions rising and it was temping to respond by shouting back at them, I always channeled teachers and remembered to stay calm but very firm: “Please don’t swear at me: it’s unacceptable” or ask questions to diffuse: “Why are you being rude to me?”.

My DP has been there when my teenage DC were being highly emotional and saying all sorts. But he always let me deal with it because he’s not their parent and they wouldn’t have reacted well to him responding to their behaviour. He usually removed himself.

If your DH feels he needs to get angry, shout and swear at you or your DD when one of you is rude to him, sounds like he feels he has to dominate and ‘assert his authority’. That’s wrong. Because it’s abusive. That’s why staff (e.g. social workers, NHS or public transport) never shout or swear at customers who are being rude or swearing at them. They stay calm but firm.

It’s not your problem. You should leave the abuse. But he needs to realise that the days of men shouting and swearing at women (or indeed other men) are over. He should seek anger management therapy, research techniques to deal with things calmly or remove himself if he can’t stay calm.