Should this be the end?

[MrsR85]

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

That’s a really unfair and quite extreme assumption to make about me. You don’t know me, and you don’t know the full reality of my situation.

I have not blamed my daughter, and I am not ignoring what’s been happening. I am trying to work through a long-term situation involving a shared home, finances and stability, and I am doing that thoughtfully rather than reacting impulsively.

I understand concern, but I won’t accept being told I would allow harm to come to my child because I absolutely won’t!!!!!

but I won’t accept being told I would allow harm to come to my child because I absolutely won’t!!!!!

You already have. By staying in this situation and allowing her to be exposed to abuse for years.

I understand the concern behind what you’re saying, but I don’t accept the way it’s being framed.

This situation did not appear overnight. It has developed over time and I have been managing a relationship, a home, finances and trying to keep stability for my child.

I am not ignoring it, I am here because I am recognising it clearly and thinking about how to change things safely and realistically.

Please don’t reduce a complex situation to “you allowed this” it’s not that simple, and that kind of response isn’t helpful. Dont kick people when they are down!

Teenagers can be v rude and insolent. My teenage kids said all sorts to me - really horrible stuff. Teachers also have to deal with it.
They never shout and swear in response. They’re very firm, calm and mature. So, when my kids were rude to me, when I could feel my emotions rising and it was temping to respond by shouting back at them, I always channeled teachers and remembered to stay calm but very firm: “Please don’t swear at me: it’s unacceptable” or ask questions to diffuse: “Why are you being rude to me?”.
My DP has been there when my teenage DC were being highly emotional and saying all sorts.

TBH it sounds like people we like are "emotional" whereas people we don't like are "abusive".

The poster I'm quoting appears to have actually required a coping mechanism to avoid an emotional/abusive response herself. So there by the grace of God...

(I agree this couple need to split.)

You have a few thousand inheritance.
Practical steps:
Rent an airbnb with your daughter for a month.So she can have peace and calm for her exams
Take that time to reflect
Get space
As you said when in the midst of it you cannot see or think straight
Is your daughter doing a levels this year or next?

Hope you are relatively ok today OP?
Advice from @Itsmetheflamingo seems sound and practical. Can you give yourself an hour or two out on your own today to think? ( I always find a walk a good time to think more clearly and plan.)
You are in a very difficult situation …. but it can be sorted to be much better in time.
Take some time to think through what you want to do next. He is a very unpleasant person to live with and you don’t want to continue doing that so what steps need to be taken.
I would suggest…..
A walk to really think and gain some inner strength by being more in control.

Know that you can’t do much immediately but you can make an appt to see a solicitor. Don’t put that off ….it will give you more security.

Talk to someone that you trust to share the weight of decisions to make.

Keep in your mind a visual picture of an ugly man trying to be cruel to a woman and her daughter. He is only a man, so you don’t have to continue to let him. Walk away from disputes, safe in the knowledge that you are taking steps to change things.

Sending strength. X

I feel very sorry for your DD. You have exposed her to this toxic living situation for far too long.

Time to put her first. Get legal advice and make a plan.

But you have blamed her by saying she shouldnt have said it,

I think her point was she wasn’t saying what her daughter said was OK she was saying the reaction it got was way over the top. She wasn’t trying to blame her for the entire situation.

That isn’t true at all, you’re trying to twist something that isn’t there. I was absolutely not trying to blame my daughter in any way shape or form. Her response was a reaction from what he said.

That’s not blaming at all 🙄 why are there always people love knocking vulnerable posters when they are down?

You already have though. Many times.

You’re extremely helpful to someone who is at rock bottom. Thanks very much for your support and advice.

Oh look, another one sticking the knife in.

Do you think it is easy?

I understand people have strong views, but I don’t think it’s helpful to be spoken to in a way that feels like I’m being attacked when I’m already overwhelmed. I’m going to step away now as I need to focus on my daughter and process things.

I sincerely hope those that have judged and criticised never experience anything that shows them how complicated and “slow moving” these situations can be when you are actually living them. I’m stepping away for a while now. Thank you.

Best wishes @MrsR85 I’ve just spotted this thread and disgusted by some of the high and mighty bullies on here.

I really hope you are ok @MrsR85 . There’s some great advice on your thread, if you can sift through the unhelpful comments.

My advice is for you to read the thread again and to take onboard the helpful suggestions, including having a look at the links provided by MumsnetHQ.

Ignore the unhelpful comments and then you need to step away from the thread. You have no need to defend yourself. Anyone with a heart can see you’re struggling. ❤️

Of course not. But I do know that there is no way on earth I would allow my own daughter being treated like this year after year.

It’s OP’s responsibility as a parent, easy or not easy. Unless she wants social services to step in.

I do wish you the best OP. You can do this.

You haven’t lived a day of OPs life. You haven’t a fucking clue, your remarks weren’t helpful at all.

Well said 👏

I think your daughter is an adult and shouldn't have called him a prick. Also he's a grown man and shouldn't behave aggressively towards a young woman. If you are to move forward there needs to be respect between them and you certainly shouldn't be dragged into something like that. I'd definitely look at whether you could afford to buy him out or get somewhere of your own. He doesn't sound very nice and I'd find it difficult to respect and love him if he abused my daughter like that.

You said you're not 'reacting impulsively', my if my child was being harmed, on whatever level, I'd be reacting IMMEDIATELY to remove them from that situation.

OP is seeking advice on how to get out. Like someone said upthteaf, you haven’t lived a day in OPs shoes so you can’t judge.

And I'm just saying what I'd be doing in that situation - getting out asap, not 'taking it slowly'. We're here to give advice, no?

Sorry, I don’t follow your point. Could you explain.

Abuse is abuse.

Teenagers can of course be abusive. As most parents who’ve raised teenagers know, most are abusive at some point: disrespectful, derogatory, name-calling, shouting, swearing, slamming doors, sulking. They also know this is because they have stress hormones, like cortisol released and their pre-frontal cortex is still developing. So, they tend to struggle to regulate their emotions at times. Do you disagree?

The important thing is to react calmly and maturely, firmly set clear boundaries and model how to behave. Not to react with further abuse (e.g. shouting). Most parents (teachers, staff) use techniques or mechanisms to remain calm in the face of abusive behaviour.

If a partner (or any adult) can’t do this, they shouldn’t be around the teenager.