Should this be the end?

[MrsR85]

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

My mum was with a vile vile man like this. He was awful to me and her, but she put up with it. He made her buy 2 of everything, or just enough so there were proper meals for them. So I was left to eat beans on toast or tomato soup. Then he started opening the tins of beans and putting them in Tupperware tubs and mixing in curry powder and told her to buy chicken and mushroom soup, knowing I hated it. I lived off toast because of him or ate at friends houses whenever I could.
He was violent to both me and my mum and she still supported him. When she said she was marrying him I was heartbroken and couldn’t understand why. I refused to go and found out lots of awful stuff about him. When I tried to tell my mum, she slapped me across the face and called me a liar.
I left home as soon as I could, and didn’t speak to her for years over it and it took me many more to forgive. It’s not something you ever forget living with someone like that 🫩

social services absolutely would not, are you kidding? Name calling and shouting is
unbelievably common in relationship breakdown and if you think social services will tell her to leave (but presumably, not provide any money for her to do so) because the man called a 17 year old a prick, you are very naive.

It's quite something how quickly you try and minimise this.

No-one is minimising anything. I’m fully aware of the seriousness of the situation. I’m here trying to process it, not be judged. I’m dealing with a long-term situation in real life, not a snapshot on a forum. I hope you never find yourself in a situation like this, because it’s not as simple as judging it from the outside. I’m focusing on my daughter.

You WILL be being unreasonable- to yourself AND your daughter - if you elect to stay with this bullying, aggressive monster. Sounds like you’ve been worn down into acceptance of his controlling behaviour. You’ve just had what should be the Final Straw. Get legal advice and prepare to move on to a more stable and pleasant future. Yes - there will be trauma and turmoil, but it’ll be worth it. Go !

This is not due to a break up though its more than that. And yes my daughter went through simlar and the situation went to plo. Where if she went back to him legal proceedings would happen. Op doesn't seem to have social worker so maybe its not applicable. And because it hapoend wity my DD does not nean it would happen with op.

To be honest I regret posting it as It may scare op. Wuch I didn't want to do. I was just trying to say they would want her daughter safe no matter what and that she could fight for the house from a safe place.

I believe you can see a solicitor for half an hour free of charge. I suggest you phone round for a solicitor and make an appointment. Then find all the monetary papers dealing with your partnership, house, car, pensions etc. and let the solicitor free you from this gaslighting.

She was telling the truth though,he IS a prick! Get rid.

Throw him out. If you own the house together he can't say it's his. Put a stop to this now. Either have him arrested and tell them he's to find somewhere else to live because of his abuse abd because you and your children are his victims.
After he's been arrested (because that's the only thing he'll take seriously) decide whether you want to be with him or not. If not, pack all his things and tell him you'll see him in court. If you do, tell him he will never raise his voice, criticise or otherwise be an abusive bastard again or he'll be arrested and booted out all over again. The reason he does it is because he can. Ill bet he doesn't go shouting and bawling at the people he works with.
However from what you've said it looks like he's controlling so he won't change. I believe marriage is for life so id get the house and stuff sorted out and a legal divorce might have to be the way for that to happen. But this is my advice as I would do not as I'm telling you to do but id just live away from him because he decided he didn't want to treat his wife as he vowed to.

This is actually a disgusting thing to say to someone looking for help. I don't often say this but shut your horrible mouth.

My exH was so critical and mean to my eldest DD. (Not his bio children). Especially if he had been drinking. Like you, he expected me to side with him and ignore his rude, unkind and frankly abusive behaviour. It’s been sixteen months since we separated and my only regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. My daughter is now thriving, her nervous system isn’t shot to bits anymore and we’re all healing.

It doesn’t sound like your daughter overreacted at all. I’m not surprised she spoke to him that way given his behaviour. He is controlling and you and your daughter deserve better.

This 🙏

This most definitely is your very first step this week if you can. They will advise and support you with absolutely everything, they do an amazing service.

Go and see a solicitor to get some advice on your rights and how to navigate splitting up.

No, you are minimising. And more importantly, under UK legislation your daughter, a child is a victim of domestic abuse.

"The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 explicitly recognises children as victims of domestic abuse if they see, hear, or experience the effects of abusive behaviour perpetrated by a person connected to them, such as a parent or relative (3). This includes physical, sexual, psychological, emotional, controlling, coercive, or economic abuse, and applies even if the abusive behaviour is directed at another person, such as a parent."

Before you accuse me of being judgemental and claim I have no experience, I do have experience of this, so I will judge. I was 23 weeks pregnant, and living on a military base abroad when my ex squared up to me, screamed at me and slammed the door so hard he cracked the door frame. I was actually in my last year of sixth form, still living at home and only had the money I had saved up from my babysitting jobs over the previous year, and a small amount of cash from a Junior ISA. Within a matter of weeks I'd moved back to the UK, alone, because I wasn't willing to allow my child to grow up traumatised by an abusive man.

No, I didn't own a house, but I did have to start from scratch in my home town, 600 miles away from my mum.

My step dad was like this and ended up beating me up. Mum and him are still together and I’m sure she wonders why I don’t want to live down the road.

I feel really sorry for you OP because you have been conditioned to accept this behaviour and gaslighted to believe that it’s you and your daughter who are the issue.

A wake up call maybe to consider that this man’s behaviour will effect you but even worse your daughter forever.

leave for her sake. She deserves her mum back and you need to show her that she is precious.

Only you can decide what the end is. But I think that you already have; you don’t like the person that you’re becoming in this relationship - that’s not a judgement on my part. We all get angry, shout and lose our temper but when it’s daily and comes with controlling behaviour that’s not healthy, neither is name calling. I say this, again not as a judgement, but reflecting on my own life experience. It”s hard to extricate from this situation but it’s about how much you will tolerate for you and your daughter. It’s also about what you’re teaching your daughter.
You’ve not mentioned love for him either? Or whether you feel family counselling may help to reflect on the dynamics - either to help end or to help heal. Only you know your daily living situation. But is your daughter usually happy with her stepdad? Our children (sadly) are fantastic mirrors for what we will tolerate - there’s lots we put up with until it’s put upon the ones we love the most.
I hope with some contemplation and calm you find a way to improve your situation, either through leaving or through getting help. Change often comes by changing ourselves not expecting others to change.Then we feel more empowered in knowing what is right and wrong for us. However, I was also thinking on the analogy of a frog in a slowly boiling pot: we put up with more and more because the situation builds slowly and we don’t recognise we’re being boiled! (Sorry felt the need for the poor reflection).
if you decide to leave you may have to change your lifestyle, smaller home etc. but there’s a lot to be said for peace and calm. Much love and compassion for you all xx

You’re focusing too much on the prick incident. You’ve got to think of the bigger picture, which has emerged over a long time.
And get out of this relationship.

Given this is a long term problem, I think you know in your heart the marriage is over, and more than likely neither if you will live in the family home long term due to finances

You should get your ducks in a row and start preparing to complete the split in the summer months (so as to not impact any exams daughter has).

Obviously is there is a physical threat then act now rather than delay.

I received a great deal of sound advice here when I started out on the same journey as OP 11 months ago. When I see how much I've evolved from the spiralling and self doubt of those times I wish I could impart every bit of my progress to this lady. Stepping away first from the over explaining was my turning point. Not re-examining the past but committing to laying a change of course. That was way scarier than the conflict. Admitting our relationship was toxic (he was a serial cheater and I never set boundaries) and had realistically been untenable for a long time. My clarity came from myself once I learned to grey rock my stbx's behaviour and I paid attention instead of absorbing the anger and frustration and quite frankly, petulance he showed that I no longer was seen to be trying. New tactics arrived, name calling, then fawning on repeat. It's all patterns and opening up to really seeing what's in front of you is the kindest way to process your new reality. We are managing to co-habit and it's up to the individual to decide if this is feasible once a split is underway. What I'm saying to poster is, you do have it in you so dig deep. The start is a bit like an out of body experience as you navigate emotions alongside practicalities, but this settles I promise. Choose yourself and your daughter every single day. In the mix of the early chaos please still do some fun things together. Yes it can feel weird when you're grieving the end of your partnership but forming new habits can start straight away. Self-care, awareness, creating new enforceable boundaries, routines that suit you, not the old ways even if it's disruptive to him. I had a very personal tipping point where I definitively knew I was living with a stranger and did the bravest thing I've done in my life, taking advice from solicitors. Once I understood my financial position it was easier to see my life's work as a business transaction. His threats or pleadings were muted because they held no true weight. Breaking down the facts can help you see what's truly possible. Empower yourself like you never thought you could, gather information and draw on the people you trust to hold your hand on the worst days. Not being sucked back into old ways rears up constantly, particularly when stbx appears to me as his old self on a good day. You have to forgive both him and yourself, but not forget. You can still move forward kindly, with respect but also with purpose so every day can be a new win. I'm leaving behind a 30 year marriage. At first I saw it as a disastrous ending, nearly a year on it's a new beginning once you see it with fresh eyes away from the complexities of disentangling from old habits and fears of 'starting again'. Commit to finding your peace, we all deserve it.

Get into some kind of therapy
Maybe private???

I think what’s become clear to me is the “frog in boiling water” effect. None of this happened overnight it’s been small things over time that I’ve adapted to, justified, or tried to manage, and only now am I really stepping back and seeing the full picture.

When I look back at different incidents over the years, and even something as simple as a recent conversation he had with a neighbour where the neighbour was clearly upset about his marriage ending and my neighbour stated he was not bothered about the material things he just wanted his wife back and my husband’s response was to focus on telling him to take the car back from his wife rather than the loss of the relationship it’s made me reflect a lot on values, empathy, and how situations are approached.

That, more than anything, has made things very clear to me.

I’ve told him the marriage is over. This isn’t about one argument, it’s about a long-standing pattern that I’m no longer willing to accept for myself or my daughter.

I’m arranging to have the house valued so I can understand my options moving forward.

Thank you to those who have offered constructive advice and support it’s been really helpful. I won’t be engaging with more judgemental comments, I feel abuse of any kind has a significant impact and some of the comments could quite frankly push someone over the edge when in a vulnerable state.