Should this be the end?

[MrsR85]

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

Of course she doesn’t. She’s in a long term conflicted relationship. She lives her life in tension, anger, anticipation and sadness. Does that sound like a recipe for prime emotional regulation?

I don’t get the joke.
Jokes are supposed to be funny.
That isn’t funny at all.

And as far as keeping the house, it’s just a house. With bad words and screaming and insults and more insults imbedded into the walls.
Why on earth would you - or anyone - want to stay in a house like that?

Your daughter is what matters and you need to get her out of that shitty situation immediately. You should’ve gotten her out of there ages ago.

You’ll find another place to live - whether it’s a flat or a house and whether you rent or buy.
It’ll be AWAY FROM THAT MONSTER YOU’RE CURRENTLY RESIDING WITH.

It happened to me, it happens to women every single day of the year all over the world.
We escape.
But we escape with our self worth

Now see to it. Find a solicitor. Stop horsing around.
Your daughter needs this far more than you do.
Go to her room right now and whisper to her that you two are leaving, but that it’s a secret.
Apologise to her that you haven’t done it sooner.
Then first thing Monday, put your plan into action.
We’re your cheerleaders here. We’ll cheer you on your entire way.
We’ll be here for you. Sending love. ❤️

No shared kids? Just leave.

Yes I did. I’m extremely ashamed of doing so and it is out of character, but he had just been shouting at my daughter then turned on me then said I have nowhere to go as I don’t have any money so yes I lost my temper!

Choose your daughter. Just keep telling yourself she is more important to you than that prick will ever be.

https://solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/

How is your daughter this evening? I am curious about not only how she’s feeling after all that, but how she feels generally about your situation. No one is expecting you to get a solicitor tonight, but I think the one thing you must do is talk to her, let her vent or whatever she needs to you, and leave her in no doubt that you are on her side and his behaviour is not acceptable.

Stop saying she shouldnt have said it!! He has made your DD miserable for years and you've done nothing

Totally get it. Not criticising. But you’re inevitably going to get told “LTB” on here. And maybe that’s the correct course of action. But a bunch of strangers on the internet don’t know the ins and outs of the situation so can’t possibly advise. Just thinking maybe you all need counselling/to work on your anger.

Are you blaming the OP?

No

I just want to say that Mumsnet can be quite a harsh place!

Im so sorry for what you’re going through. It sounds like a bad situation and clearly your husband is abusive. As you say it’s slowly changed over the years so don’t beat yourself up for not realising sooner. At least now you know and you’re planning to make changes for your and your daughters benefit. You are a good mother.

dont listen to those saying its awful you didn’t leave sooner. Likely they haven’t been through it. The way the person slowly changes beyond recognition and the fact you’re fed lies like you wouldn’t cope without them. The way you might still love them and hoping they could still be the person you fell in love with. These are all valid reasons why you didn’t and couldn’t leave sooner.

i know you’ve done and said some things you’re not proud of and it’s made you realise so all you can do now is get your ducks in a row and make a better life for you and your daughter!

good luck 🩷

Sounds like you are excusing her husband being a prick because the OP lost her temper.

Maybe the prick needs more people calling him a prick and standing up to him.

Pull yourself together.

Get out value yourself.

Clearly said in my reply to the OP losing her temper was understandable and I wasn’t criticising her. She has clearly said leaving isn’t as easy as all the keyboard warriors will tell her it is and that she is very upset right now (which is totally understandable).

But the last thing she should be doing right now is making any decisions. Maybe the husband is abusive and she should leave, but that’s a decision to be made when feeling a lot more stable and not immediately after an argument. it doesn’t sound like her of her daughter are in imminent danger so yes maybe as someone else said leave the house, get some space, consider what needs to be done rationally.

I know you have mortgage with him. But you don't have to stay there to fight for the house you can go to a refuge or ask the council to help you with temporary accommodation. I would contact womans aid ask them to help you with an IDVA they will help you deal with the council and advocate for you. Help you with all your rights make sure your getting the help you should be.

You said that your husband is controlling i doubt very much that he will agree to sell and maje life eady for you and dd whilst your there. It would be safer for you and dd to leave tou don't need to live in the house with him to fight for it. You can do that whilst in different accommodation

Recognise firstly that he is a controlling narcissist. Read up on the condition. There is plenty of really useful resources on line. Dr Ramoni is so informative.

Just understanding what you are dealing with is so empowering and you can learn the tools to cope rather than being pulled in to their twisted crazy world. You are experiencing your own reactive abuse, and whilst it feeds him it is turning you in to something you are not, and that in itself is traumatic for you. You need to find some peace. I think you and your daughter need to totally dis-engage and grey rock him. If he tries to get a reaction, walk away or go out.
Only when you have found some peace within yourself will you be able to see how you are going to navigate a way out.
I wish you well. It’s not easy.

"I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that", "And I agree she shouldn’t say that"

These things you said really stood out to me. Your DD did nothing wrong. She reacted quite rightly to a man who has been bullying her for years. Please stop making out like your DD has said something wrong here, she really hasn't. Please also forgive yourself for throwing the clothes airer, suffering years of abuse by an angry man can sometimes cause us to lose it, so do not give yourself a hard time over that.

I would strongly suggest that you get a consultation with a shark of a solicitor next week, it will be money well spent. Go in prepared with a full run down of your/his/joint finances.

Is there a reason in particular why you want to keep that house? Can you realistically afford to buy him out? These are things you need to discuss with the solicitor. You do not have to choose the first solicitor you see, but I would suggest going to one with fight in them as you really do need someone to fight for you when you leave an abusive man like this.

For the sake of your relationship with your daughter, I'd suggest you leave this man as soon as possible, as in get the ball rolling within a month, do not tell him anything until the solicitor has it in hand.

You really do need to have your daughter's back, she doesn't deserve to live with an abusive prick, she didn't choose this. She needs you to protect her from this toxic homelife.

He is abusive. There's no maybe about it. Why do people excuse abusive men on here?

You aren’t over reacting.
as you are married any assets will be split fairly (including the house and any equity), 50/50 as a starting point as a rule.
In your situation I wouldn’t stay because of the house or the mortgage. I would leave to protect myself and my daughter.

this is the only response you need to read

Why do people issue life changing advice to strangers when they can’t possibly know all the facts on here?

OP you have been given some good advice. Please take it and ignore the keyboard warriors.

I don’t want to leave the house.

You’re saying a house is more important than your own child - that’s not good OP.

You need to make plans to separate and that will mean selling the house.

If you don't step up for your daughter, she may never forgive you. And she may never forgive you for bringing him into her life as it is.

What's more important, money or having a relationship with her for the rest of your life?

The Op needs to change her life.