Should this be the end?

[MrsR85]

Hi all, I could really do with some perspective as I feel like things have come to a head tonight.

I’ve been with my husband for several years and we have a 17-year-old daughter (his stepdaughter). There have been ongoing issues with his temper for a long time – he can be very critical, moody and then suddenly escalate into shouting over relatively small things. It’s been a pattern for years if I’m honest.

Tonight we were having tea and he started moaning at my daughter, telling her she “needs to learn to keep her mouth shut”. She responded by saying “stop being a prick” (which I know isn’t acceptable), but he then completely lost his temper – shouting very loudly at her. She went to her room, and then he turned on me, shouting repeatedly that I needed to “sort my daughter out”.

I tried to ask why he was shouting at me, and it escalated further. I went into the kitchen and he told me to “fuck off to my mum’s”, then said I wouldn’t because I have no money. That really triggered me as I’ve always worked (I earn less than him but still contribute, and have even put inheritance money into savings). I ended up losing my temper and throwing a clothes airer, which I’m not proud of at all.

For context, this isn’t an isolated incident. Over the years there have been issues around:

him shouting or blowing up at me and my daughter
controlling behaviour around money (questioning spending, setting limits without discussion)
using things like the car (which is in his name) to control situations, e.g. taking it so I couldn’t get to work undermining me with parenting decisions
lack of emotional support (e.g. when a close family member was dying)

I feel like I’ve reached the point where I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I also don’t like the person I’ve become I’m more reactive and angry than I used to be.

However, we have a mortgage together and I don’t want to leave the house. He tends to act like it’s his because he earns more.

I suppose I’m asking:

Am I overreacting in feeling like this is no longer acceptable?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you handle it, especially with a house and finances involved?
Any advice on next steps?

Please be honest but kind, I know my daughter shouldn’t have spoken like that, and I’m not proud of my reaction either. I just feel completely at the end of my tether.

Thank you.

Good luck, OP. I totally understand your situation and how daunting it must be but you are absolutely doing all the right things. He doesn’t sound like a man who is committed to an equal, loving partnership and you can’t change that (even though you may have tried or hoped for another outcome). You sound like you’d be better off on your own and will be just fine.

I wish you all the happiness for your future life without the fear, belittling and abuse.

Good luck with everything OP. This is now a long journey, as you see fit, to secure your future. Hold on to everything that is important tightly and with dignity, the rest will follow. Pay attention to his actions as you go, minimise interaction as much as possible, pause and process. Nothing needs to be done in haste unless there's real threat of harm x

This. Why has it taken so long for you to see his behaviour is unacceptable?

Your poor daughter. At least do what’s right for her now, better late than never.

This was a lovely post for the OP to read. I do hope you leave him and cut ties with him.

Hope you update OP just to let us know how you are doing.

You've done the hard bit in making the decision to leave him. I was going to say stay strong, but actually you don't have to be strong all the time, just insofar as this separation is concerned. Be super nice to yourself and your daughter, and take every bit of help and support that you can find.

I think I mentioned legal aid some time back in this thread. It may be worth your while looking into this, especially given his abuse.

Take care.

Op I’d be careful of listening to judgemental posts from people with no experience of abuse.

this is actually a very common reaction to abuse. I’m very easy going and I found myself reacting jn the same way to my ex’s psychological and emotional abuse.

its actually used by abusers as part of DARVO ( reverse victim and offender). He wants you to feel like you are just as bad. And he is the victim of your instability. He provoked you and you reacted. It’s all part of the framing of you as crazy.

the fact he’s calmly watching a film shows he isn’t upset about this- he got the reaction he was after. The fact that you are so upset by your own actions shows you don’t normally behave like this.

just use this information to help regulate yourself. Don’t rise to his provocations in the future. Don’t let him know you feel guilty or upset about this as he’ll use it against you.

He’s using your DD words as an excuse to justify his outburst, but his outburst is not justified. He sound horrible, like my ex, and if you stay your DD will not forgive you easily.

Your daughter has already seen too much.

and btw. I did leave a marriage that was damaging to me because ultimately I knew what might come.

Put your daughter first ffs.

Judging someone in the middle of a difficult situation says more about you than me. It’s easy to judge from the outside. Living in it and recognising it are two very different things. I’m focusing on making things better for my daughter.
I hope if anyone ever comes to you for advice about emotional abuse, you respond with more understanding than judgment. It’s often insidious and can make people doubt their own reality.

Wow. That's nasty and uncalled for. Op is dealing with an evolving situation it's never as simple as saying just leave. If it was more people would do it.

I‘m sorry if it upset you, that wasn’t the intention, I do understand it’s complex, but sometimes hearing it straight from strangers can be a wake up call and help see the wood for the trees. Putting her first might not mean leaving straight away or doing anything drastic and sudden. But that should lead your decision making if you’re unsure if you can make the break.

(And I did make the break and it was awful and very hard, but am still glad I did it. Thinking about my dc helped give me the strength to do it)

If you’ve experienced it, then you should understand how insidious and confusing it can be which makes this kind of judgement even less helpful.

Stop telling people not to judge you. You asked for advice, it's given and obviously you dont like what you read. Bottom line is, put your daughter first, because as soon as she is old enough, she will be gone & you will be stuck with him.

I just hope that you can also see that there is so much kindness here, despite the judgemental bat shit. I've posted before on this thread. Know that there are people here who have your back. However, If you are not in a position to feel that now, that is fine, and nobody who has given you support is going to judge you, or judge your decisions in going forward.

You are going through a terribly difficult time.

I wish you strength and hugs xxx

I suffered through a bad relationship for over a decade. Sunk cost fallacy had me in its grip. But as hard as it is to get out, the price is nothing compared to being free for the rest of your life, IMHO.

Yes you must leave him.
It will not get better.
He will not change.
You can't throw your life away like this, living with such a man.

Dont get bogged down in he said she said. Your husband is an arsehole that you dont need. LTB.

Wazzock - it's been a long time since I heard that word, lol, brings back memories..
Agree with everything you've said 👌

Get rid of him any way you can .All women deserve better than this