Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to think that people should be able to take a hint?

203 replies

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:07

I’ve just experienced an awkward situation where an acquaintance (friend of a friend who I’ve known for years and see occasionally at parties, barbecues, etc.) invited me to meet up, I believe with the hope of us becoming friends. She’s really not my cup of tea so I made polite excuses but she just kept asking. Even when I ignored her she then prompted me for an answer a few days later. It was excruciating. In the end I was forced to be direct and basically say “thank you for the kind offer but I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends”. I knew she would take it badly no matter what because she’s incredibly sensitive, which is actually one of the reasons I don’t want to be friends. Well she never responded to that last message and ever since has been very cold and it’s awkward if we bump into each other in the street or at social gatherings. I do feel guilty about but I’m also frustrated at being the ‘bad guy’ in this situation and her not getting that I was clearly not interested when by most people’s standards I was being pretty obvious. If she’d just taken the hint then we could have just continued as friendly acquaintances and avoided all this awkwardness!

(For reference we’re both neurotypical white British women).

Anyone else had a similar experience? Or even experience of being on the other side? I never wanted to hurt her feelings but can’t see how it could have been avoided - apart from me accepting the invite, which I don’t think I should have to do.

OP posts:
UnhappyHobbit · 03/04/2026 15:12

I’m not sure how to vote but you need to leave the situation be now. You’ve told her you don’t want to be her friend so what are you expecting from her now? Is it you labelling yourself as the bad guy or is it her telling you that you are?

Iawn · 03/04/2026 15:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TonyDancer · 03/04/2026 15:18

I’ve noticed that more and more people can’t be told “no”. Always got to come back with something in an attempt to break you down. Nowadays my “no” means “no”. Sick of compromising myself for others

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:18

UnhappyHobbit · 03/04/2026 15:12

I’m not sure how to vote but you need to leave the situation be now. You’ve told her you don’t want to be her friend so what are you expecting from her now? Is it you labelling yourself as the bad guy or is it her telling you that you are?

I’m not really expecting anything from her. I just cant help reflecting on the situation and wondering what I could/should have done differently. She hasn’t called me a bad guy (to my face at least, not sure if she’s said anything to anyone else) but her coldness implies she thinks I am one.

OP posts:
NormasArse · 03/04/2026 15:19

You were particularly cold- what were you expecting?

Lagony · 03/04/2026 15:20

I don’t think you should have had to meet her, but I also don’t think you should have said that. It’s a bit too direct. You could’ve said something a little bit more sensitive but clear.

You could have said that you are currently extremely busy for various reasons so you are keeping a limit on your socialising for the foreseeable future. If she then persisted, you could perhaps be a little bit more direct. But I would not have referenced the dynamics between you.

SoScarletItWas · 03/04/2026 15:20

You literally said to her
I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends

and now you’re wondering why she’s being cold?

Did you want her to keep trying and be warm and gushy towards you? I’m amazed she’s speaking to you at all.

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:24

Lagony · 03/04/2026 15:20

I don’t think you should have had to meet her, but I also don’t think you should have said that. It’s a bit too direct. You could’ve said something a little bit more sensitive but clear.

You could have said that you are currently extremely busy for various reasons so you are keeping a limit on your socialising for the foreseeable future. If she then persisted, you could perhaps be a little bit more direct. But I would not have referenced the dynamics between you.

I did think of saying that but I didn’t want to lie, especially as it have been very obviously untrue when I saw her at the next gathering…

OP posts:
Rainbowdottie · 03/04/2026 15:25

I don’t go anywhere or do anything I don’t want to. It’s taken me YEARS to be able to have the confidence to say outright “I can’t do that right now/I have too much on/Sorry I just can’t make that, have a great time/I won’t be there, but you have a really great night”. I used to waffle my way through a manner of excruciating excuses , making myself more and more uncomfortable and the release and the relief that I feel now that I have that confidence is unreal.

So with that vein, I think you’ve done well just to bite the bullet and tell the truth. Have you been too honest? Probably. I know she was never going to get the hint, but I would have probably gone with my “I can’t right now, I have a lot on in the next few months “ and left at that. And that would have been my line for every single message every single time, in the hope that in a year or two she would get the hint or give up.

but what is done is done. You don’t want be friends so what’s the point in worrying over it. You’re never going to be friends so if it’s awkward, it’s awkward 🤷‍♀️ does it matter 🤷‍♀️. It’s not like it’s awkward, you’ve upset your nearest and dearest. She’ll get over it, ride it out.

CaragianettE · 03/04/2026 15:26

I think adult women should be able to be direct, which you eventually were, so good for you. I don’t really think either of you have done anything wrong. She wanted to make a friend and put herself out there and was a bit persistent, maybe because she has bad social skills, maybe because she’s lonely, but maybe also because she’s not a mind reader and she had no way of knowing whether you genuinely were just a bit busy or whatever the excuse was you gave. I’m not a fan of hints for that reason.

She took the risk that you might say no, which you did, and that’s your prerogative, and it’s also her prerogative to be hurt and be a bit frosty now. If she’s lonely and never puts herself out there, then she’ll never make more friends, so I don’t think she was wrong to try.

Endofyear · 03/04/2026 15:27

She obviously liked you enough to make the suggestion of meeting up and your blunt response has left her feeling hurt and upset. I'm not sure what else you'd expect really!

You could have said, I'm just very busy at the moment with work and family stuff, I'm not socialising much and not able to make plans to meet up with you, hope you understand 😊

Lagony · 03/04/2026 15:28

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:24

I did think of saying that but I didn’t want to lie, especially as it have been very obviously untrue when I saw her at the next gathering…

It isn’t untrue. You could have said that you were happy to continue your social life as it was, but you didn’t want to add anything in extra right now.

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:29

SoScarletItWas · 03/04/2026 15:20

You literally said to her
I don’t think we have enough in common to be friends

and now you’re wondering why she’s being cold?

Did you want her to keep trying and be warm and gushy towards you? I’m amazed she’s speaking to you at all.

I definitely don’t need warm or gushy I just don’t want it to be awkward for everyone else.

Out of interest, how do you think I should have declined the invite? Without just lying, as has been suggested.

OP posts:
CaragianettE · 03/04/2026 15:30

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:29

I definitely don’t need warm or gushy I just don’t want it to be awkward for everyone else.

Out of interest, how do you think I should have declined the invite? Without just lying, as has been suggested.

I personally think what you said was fine. You were honest but not unkind, you phrased it as a mutual incompatibility not her problem, and you expressed that she was kind to make the offer. I think you’ve shown more respect for her by being honest than by lying to her, and you’ve also prevented the situation for dragging on for months as well.

SnappyOchre · 03/04/2026 15:30

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:29

I definitely don’t need warm or gushy I just don’t want it to be awkward for everyone else.

Out of interest, how do you think I should have declined the invite? Without just lying, as has been suggested.

What’s wrong with a little white lie to spare someone’s feelings and avoid the awkwardness you are finding so difficult?

Never2many · 03/04/2026 15:33

Would you rather she’d replied “well fuck you then.”? Because that’s no more than you deserved.

Seriously you were a bitch to her and you’re put out because she didn’t respond?

What did you expect? An apology? For her to grovel? To understand?

Only one of you looks bad here, and it wasn’t her.

OtterlyMad · 03/04/2026 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

InBedBy10 · 03/04/2026 15:39

You say she should be able to take a hint, but what were your hints? What exactly were your previous responses?maybe they weren't as obvious as you think.

I also don't think ignoring her was very mature. You should have just said you were busy. No need to be as blunt as you were. If someone said that to me id never talk to them again. I mean you basically told her to F**k off and leave you alone. And now she is and your complaining.

Side note.. how sad it is that people now have to clarify they are neurotypical in their OP to stop all the armchair psychiatrists diagnosing them. MN has really gone ridiculous.

pinkyredrose · 03/04/2026 15:42

Never2many · 03/04/2026 15:33

Would you rather she’d replied “well fuck you then.”? Because that’s no more than you deserved.

Seriously you were a bitch to her and you’re put out because she didn’t respond?

What did you expect? An apology? For her to grovel? To understand?

Only one of you looks bad here, and it wasn’t her.

She wasn't a bitch, she was direct.

Never2many · 03/04/2026 15:43

pinkyredrose · 03/04/2026 15:42

She wasn't a bitch, she was direct.

It’s a fine line.

backagainohdear · 03/04/2026 15:43

Your the one who made things awkward, suck it buttercup. You could said a million different things without being so rude & cold.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 03/04/2026 15:44

Some strange responses, OP. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong. I admire your honestly and the other person sounds like a bit of a pest.

Hallamule · 03/04/2026 15:46

Not sure what the problem is here OP. You told her you didn't want to be friends and now you're not.
I doubt it's awkward for anyone else, just maybe a bit for you.

KateBushAgain · 03/04/2026 15:47

I think what the OP is saying is that she wouldn’t have had to be so direct if the other party had taken the hint .
I agree.
I think it’s quite arrogant to repeatedly ask when the other party is clearly less than enthusiastic.

FinalFinalFile · 03/04/2026 15:49

UnhappyHobbit · 03/04/2026 15:12

I’m not sure how to vote but you need to leave the situation be now. You’ve told her you don’t want to be her friend so what are you expecting from her now? Is it you labelling yourself as the bad guy or is it her telling you that you are?

I don’t see any signs of OP not leaving the situation be.