To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

[Noodlees]

My parents live 10 mins from us and are retired. When we had kids they said they wouldn't provide regular childcare and that's absolutely fine.
However they will often offer to have the kids ad-hoc during the week to give me a break (we have a toddler and baby) but they'll offer at the last minute or they'll keep changing the time that they're coming or they'll say they'll have them and then make other plans and cancel.
I find it really annoying because what should be a lovely thing for them to do to give me a break feels like actually i can't rely on it to get a break but i don't know if I'm being unreasonable and i should just be grateful for any help i get.

I think unfortunately you have to stop believing them and stop agreeing. It's really tough having no support but imo it's better than getting your hopes up and being let down every time.

I'd still let them see DC of course but just stop changing any plans based on their promises. So for instance, don't wait in for them, just say e.g. "we're going to X park at Y time and we'll be there for an hour, come along if you want" etc.

If people say they will do something they should or it’s pointless

That’s not really on.
Doesn’t matter what it is, if you say you’re going to do something, you do it.
Stick to the 3 strike rule , once, twice and then you’re out.
Couple of chances and then they unreliable.
How would they like it if you did the same thing … not happy I bet….

Can you not talk to them about it and ask for consistency?

And I don’t mean a consistent arrangement, just let them know how you feel when they change last minute

The last minute unreliable nature of the offer isn’t unreasonable at all.

I would stop saying yes and assume that they will always let you down. It’s not fair on you (or the kids if they know) and it’s better that nobody’s hopes are being built up and crushed.

It’s perfectly reasonable to speak to them about changing times or regularly cancelling. Politely, but explain why it makes life difficult for you.

Regarding the last minute offers, accept the ones that suit you, decline the ones that don’t with “sorry, if you give me more notice next time we can sort something out”.

They’ve forgotten what it’s like. 💐

Very annoying. I think you’ll just need to be upfront and tell them it’s not actually any help at all if they offer and then change the time/ cancel last minute. Then just visit them, or invite them over when it suits you. If you want someone to look after one or both children to give you a break, then a nursery or childminder will provide the reliability you want.

I could. I guess I'm worried that if i say they need to be better then they just won't offer at all. I don't know if I'm better to just accept this is how they are or to push for better but potentially get no help.

If you want reliable childcare you need to pay for it. Let them enjoy their retirement in peace.

I wonder if the issue is that you're relying on them to offer and set times? I get that you don't want to make them feel you are asking for a favour, since they said they wouldn't do regular childcare, but perhaps it'd help?

I think you misread the OP?

She says she is fine with her parents not wanting to provide regular childcare. Her issue is that they want to see their grandchildren but they make it difficult for her to plan.

Yes the eldest is in nursery two days a week, the baby hasn't started nursery yet as I'm still on mat leave. I don't need more full days of regular childcare, just would love the opportunity to have a bath or something once a week.

yes just say they need to be more on time if they offer.
Otherwise it’s not helpful if they say they will have toddler at 2pm a few hours at yours , so you book baby for 3 pm vaccinations and then your rushing to wake toddler as it’s now 2.30pm And no sign of them so he has to come also.

Have you not got a partner who can help so you can do that?

OP was very clear. Her issue is with her parents offering to look after the children, and then cancelling. She isn’t not letting them enjoy retirement.

Yeah i think you are probably right actually. If i ask them to have the kids (e.g. for a doctor's appointment, KIT day etc) then they are reliable. I think i just feel too cheeky asking them to have them just for me to have a break if i don't have anything i need to do but it might be the best way!

I'm usually the first to say that grandparents shouldn't be expected to offer childcare to babysitting, but if they do offer of their own volition then (baring illness or emergencies) they should honour it. You either need to stop asking and pay for babysitting or have a frank talk with them. Tell them that you can't make any plans if they keep moving the goal posts. But obviously phrase it more diplomatically than that!

Yeah and i do when he's around, it's just that they'll offer to help so i get my hopes up for a break and then I'm often let down.

I don't think it is cheeky.

They sound well-meaning but just a bit out of touch. My parents can be a bit like this with my brother's children - they'd love to see them, but they are confused by the idea that they can't just show up whenever. When my mum had small children I think she had quite a hard time in some ways (not much help from my dad!), but the difference was that she wasn't working for years, and most people in her social circle didn't send their children to nursery, so you expected to poddle through the pre-school days. You might go out to playgroup or something, but you weren't as routine-governed as we mostly are now, even on mat leave.

Just be more precise with asking for set times if it matters.

You have a hair appointment, dentist check up, and have to leave at XX time etc.

If it matters phone the day before and check, absolutely, that their plans have not changed and explain why it is important.

For other casual drop in visits have something in the wings -like taking a bath while your parents take the kids to the park.

You can talk to your own parents without offending them.
Remember to thank them for their efforts and tell them how much a long bath refreshes you etc..

I think you need to speak to them honestly (or your partner should in the case of his parents).

”It’s lovely that you offer to help, and we don’t expect it at all. Would you mind not offering to help until you’re sure that you can, and can tell me a definite time? I’m happy to work around you, but I’m sure you’ll remember that will small children you need to know what timings you’re working to.”

Can you carve out a bit of time for that when your partner is around? Or when the older one is at nursery and baby napping/ safely in seat with toys where you can watch them? I totally get that it’s frustrating when your parents are unreliable but I don’t see why you need them to be there for you to have a bath!

I’d still speak to them, even if it puts them off offering, at least it won’t get your hopes up. Even if you start asking them to have the kids they may still let you down last minute so I’d just be upfront in the politest way possible.

This absolutely.