To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

[Noodlees]

My parents live 10 mins from us and are retired. When we had kids they said they wouldn't provide regular childcare and that's absolutely fine.
However they will often offer to have the kids ad-hoc during the week to give me a break (we have a toddler and baby) but they'll offer at the last minute or they'll keep changing the time that they're coming or they'll say they'll have them and then make other plans and cancel.
I find it really annoying because what should be a lovely thing for them to do to give me a break feels like actually i can't rely on it to get a break but i don't know if I'm being unreasonable and i should just be grateful for any help i get.

@Twooclockrock makes a very good point.

Plus, I wouldn't contact them to check they are still coming. I'd message saying 'thanks so much for offering to take them out this aft - I've been tearing my hair out. Have got my bubble baths all lined up. What time do you think you'll arrive roughly? '

Oof, I can completely see why you're upset by this - it's acting like you and the kids are a bit of entertainment that they can pick up when they fancy, and abandon when a better offer comes along!

Or you could read the OP. Your choice...

Your issue seems to be reliability to stick to arrangements once they have offered ,which i can understand is annoying.
Tactful discussion of why it's important to you that they honour their arrangements with you.

It sounds like they have a different view of it being childcare to what you have. It sounds like they see it as calling in, to see all of you and possibly giving you an hour to yourself.
You are seeing it more as them coming to look after the children and definitely having the time to do your own thing.
Maybe just have a word with them about the arrangement and say you love seeing them but would like it if they could confirm so you know what you can do during that time.

As someone who had no unpaid childcare I think you should assume they won't honour any planned offers, accept last-minute offers but only when it suits you (any break has got to be better than no break), and try to make the best of it.

This.
I don't have children, but my husband hasn't looked after grandchildren once in his life.
Leave them alone.

Did you even read the OP?

My parents were very like yours when dc were young. They only lived about 10 minutes away but dm would say she'd look after them and then have something better to do! They were much more reliable when dc got older, I just think they were not that into babies, especially dm.

I do try and help out dd1 and dd2 with their dc who are very young. I though am not retired, still have a dc at school and also have elderly parents. I would never let them down.

It sounds like they are reliable for appointments but not if it's just to visit you when there is nothing planned.

Just say to them, 'please pop round at 2pm and we can all spend time together with baby and toddler and all go to the park'. There's a bit of a purpose then like there is with the doctors appointments.

My parents would never just come round to see me then I go off and leave them with my daughter. They want to see me too! A bit like you, I'd feel so cheeky!

Do you think maybe it would be nice if he did?

No one is obliged to but it makes such a difference to the parents of young ones.

My two are older now so I don’t really have any remaining skin in this game. I hope I’ll help them out if they choose to have children! Ok I won’t want to do it masses, I’m honest about that, but I’ll do it sometimes and if I say I’m going to do it I will (I do always do things if I say I will).

Tbf even though it’s not the same I have an older child free relative who offers to look after DD on random days in the holidays. She always offers on a day that 100% suits her, seems confused if it doesn’t fit my plans and then the week before I end up practically telling her where to take DD, what to feed her, what time to pick her up. I’m sure she feels like I know better and will choose something DD likes and I AM glad of the help but sometimes it feels like harder work than DD sitting on her phone whilst I do zoom calls.

Sort alternative more reliable care for a break.

This would drive me mental, again the relative I’ve just mentioned offered to take DD to the cinema, asked her what she wanted to see and said they could go on such a such day, then messaged me when she got home and said she couldn’t do that date, will have to arrange another… never did ofcourse.

A baby is too young to care but a toddler isn’t. Both my kids adored their grandparents as toddlers and would be sad at not seeing them when expected. Not for long granted, but they would be sad. And the OP feels let down because they have offered help and then rescinded.

It’s considered quite rude throughout society to cancel plans you’ve made with somebody, simply because the weather is nice and you fancy doing something else. Most people would be at least a little put out by a friend or family member or colleague dropping them so quickly, so it’s really not a stretch to extend a little empathy towards the OP here when it sounds like a regular occurrence.

That’s fine so long as they don’t complain no one is visiting them in the care home or helping them when they’re no longer able to get from a and b.

I've read your updates and those changed my recommendation I think.

The fact that your parents are reliable when they know you have something scheduled is key IMO. I suspect your parents are unreliable when they don't know you're relying on them because they're oblivious to how incessant and inflexible being a SAHP can actually feel. People in their earlier retired years tend to have a lot of flexibility and I'm guessing your parents are mistakenly thinking of your days as being fairly similar to theirs.

I think it's worth talking to one or both of them about it. Acknowledge how much you appreciate their help, then focus on identifying your own needs and feelings and asking if they can help you address them instead of framing it as their behavior being a problem (i.e. don't call them unreliable or similar). "With a baby and a toddler every chance to have a break or some help feels precious right now - I actually look forward to it all day when you offer to come watch the baby for a bit. I know you're not in for a regular childcare commitment and I'm not asking for more help, but when you do offer to come it really makes a big difference when we can make firm plans the morning of or day before so I can plan our day."

YABU for thinking you can rely on them at all when they said they wouldn't be reliable for this. You clearly can't rely on them, even if they offer. You need to tell them "thanks but no thanks", whenever they offer because being let down isn't on.

This is the correct response!

Uber gets people from a to b… and back again . I’m sure they know that!

My ExH reckons he can't even make a cup of tea when parenting. Pathetic. If I did nothing else, literally nothing else when looking after LO it is make a cup of tea esp in the morning. Even when she was days old and now she's 4.

Precisely why the OP needs to switch who they rely on for childcare if it's reliable childcare they want or are expecting. Let grandparents be grandparents. If OP knows they are flakey why bother getting toddlers hopes up in the first place.

Exactement they better start getting used to taxis!

Stop the childcare. It doesn’t work. Take it off the table.