To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

[Noodlees]

My parents live 10 mins from us and are retired. When we had kids they said they wouldn't provide regular childcare and that's absolutely fine.
However they will often offer to have the kids ad-hoc during the week to give me a break (we have a toddler and baby) but they'll offer at the last minute or they'll keep changing the time that they're coming or they'll say they'll have them and then make other plans and cancel.
I find it really annoying because what should be a lovely thing for them to do to give me a break feels like actually i can't rely on it to get a break but i don't know if I'm being unreasonable and i should just be grateful for any help i get.

I think (without wanting to second-guess the OP) that an issue with some of our parents' generation is that no, they do not remember that with small children you need to know timings!

My parents were right in the middle of that 80s, slightly hippy phrase; the idea of strict nap times really surprises them (just as an example), and because my mum didn't work for a long time (like a lot of mums with preschool children), she remembers the stress of having children to care for, but she doesn't have much memory of anything being very time-crucial.

I also think that it can be an adjustment for parents to realise their children lead busier lives than they do.

If they offer, just decline and tell them why: because they keep cancelling or changing the time and that doesn’t work for you.

If they care, they'll change their behaviour. Otherwise, you just move on and book sitters etc. Many people manage without any additional help - it’s not easy - but we do it. It’s just crushing because they led you to believe they would help.

My mum is like this - hypothetical offers to look after the children, but then when I did ask, she was always busy. Having no help at all is easier than fake offers - they get your hopes up, only to feel let down. And that emotional roller coaster is really damaging. So now, i expect nothing. I still get nothing, but there's no feeling of being let down. So while it's a sad realisation to come to, i'd suggest removing any expectation of help that will never materialise.

It is true no one owes you childcare. But if you offer something, you should do it! I once had a coworker I covered a lot for when she needed help. When I found out my oldest was ill and would be needing tests, she said she'd help-I said thanks and asked which days she could do, so I could let the manager know (bring solutions, not problems!), and she wittered on about all the other things she had planned on days off, eventually offering nothing. Which is fine, but don't offer if you don't mean it!
As yours are family, I would sit down and talk about how annoying they're being, and that while they are not obliged to offer childcare, as grandparents it's understandable they would. But the worst of all is to offer and let down, so they either commit, or stop talking about it.

YANB entirely U but perhaps shifting your mindset just a little might help.

Last minute offers - accept if it suits you, say no if it doesnt.

Last minute flakiness - that is annoying. How often is it happening? If its frequent, then I'm not sure you have much to lose by raising it.

I honestly never understand when other mums say they don't have time to bathe, wash exercise or have a break (unless their children need 24/7 supervision for medical or additional needs). I genuinely don't. Mum of 2 myself with a DH who is away frequently and at length for work.

Presumably when the kids are in bed - you can stick your feet up and watch TV, take a bath or shower, read a book and light a candle, do a puzzle or go to bed early until the baby's first night waking. Presumably when eldest is at nursery 2 days, you'll also have baby nap times (2 or 3 probably) to chill and take a break then too.

And if you're not using these times to take a break and you're instead doing housework that whole time - then you have a partner problem.

Let the grandparents be flaky grandparents - they're retired after all so they can be as flaky as they like, don't expect them to be reliable for any 'nice to have' childcare, only the 'need to have' childcare like if you have medical appts that you absolutely can't bring kids along to.

I remember how much of a gut punch it felt to think there was a little break looming, and then get let down, because it’s such a relentless phase of life when you’re juggling so much.

I’d have actually preferred not have the break at all than have my hopes built up, and dashed. I just didn’t have spare energy in my tank for disappointment.

If that’s where you’re at, it might be worth rethinking your priorities. Let them take the dc now and then (it’s important for your dc to build relationships) but only schedule it when you are in a good place, and not run ragged. Think of it as another opportunity you facilitate for your dc, rather than something for you. Work the arrangements with your schedule and capacity in mind, not putting their convenience and whims first. If they hit up against a few “that doesn’t work for us, sorry” they may naturally treat those times as a higher priority. But don’t do it to try and manipulate them - just find and safeguard your own boundaries.

Why on earth do you so desperately “need a break” when you’re on mat leave with a toddler who is at nursery part time and a baby who presumably still naps? It may be just me but as a single parent with no support I struggle to see how this is so tough?

I know im probably gojng to get flamed for this 😬

Then why say it if you no you are just being horrible?

Honest, not horrible.

Fixed your typo 😂

I think this is a real risk.

Rather than raising it directly, the next few times they do this last minute trick, just say "I'm sorry, it is too short notice today." See if they learn that the last minute arrangements get a refusal.

Ultimately, I think realistically something is better than nothing OP? And it is nice for the dc.

It’s both, might be your honest opinion but you are still being horrible for the sake of it.

Just a quick reminder that not all children “nap”!!
What’s more, some won’t be confined to a cot or bed either.

YABU - it would be different if you were working and needed to rely on your parents for childcare on a specific day. I rely on my mum (who works) one day a week because I work and need childcare. I would feel like a CF asking her to have my child every week just so I could have a break.

Have a bath when your DH is home. You and your DH chose to have two young children.

Even if the baby has no naps at all (and given that the OP is on maternity leave, I assume baby is less than a year!!) then the children must both sleep some time.

I think all of us are in agreement that the grandparents are being very annoying by offering to come but then changing times and being unreliable. But it’s also strange that the OP doesn’t seem able to contemplate having a bath once a week unless the grandparents are there to take charge of the kids.
there are ways around this: have a bath when the partner is home. Have a bath when the kids are asleep.

The OP said the grandparents are fine with fixed things like doctors appointment and KIT work days which is actually really helpful and more than many parents get. Maybe keep them onside for the fact they already offer this and just work around the other things.

I speak as someone who had absolutely no support from parents and am now a grandparent. I’d have killed for some support as a parent and try very hard to be a helpful grandparent. Sometimes it’s difficult as you get older to plan and tiredness and even minor chronic conditions can impact on plans. Maybe they want to be helpful but everything is that bit more exhausting and can make it harder ?

She isn't asking them though. They're offering and then changing or cancelling last minute.

Why do people pretend they can't have a bath because they have a baby? - it's just ridiculous

I think you need to talk to them about how upsetting it is.

It would be upsetting enough if parents kept cancelling, even if they were only coming round for a coffee. Repeatedly letting you and DC down over an expected visit is not on, even without the childcare element.

You've missed the point. I can and do have a bath at other times my issue is my parents will e.g. say "we'll take the kids out tomorrow" so i think "oh lovely i can have a nice relaxing bath and some peace and quiet" then in the morning I'll message and ask if they're still coming and they'll say "oh actually it's a nice day so we're going out for lunch instead"

It's really not about the childcare, the bath etc. it's the fact that i think I'm getting it, get my hopes up and then they cancel.

When i say i have a bath i mean an hour in the bath to relax, not a quick wash. I absolutely can't have a relaxing bath with a baby crawling around.

They probably don’t realise what they’re doing is so annoying but it bloody well is! You really have my sympathy OP, people forget how intense those early baby days are and any respite is always so desperately needed. If you have a good relationship with them, next time they ask would you consider just asking them if they can definitely do it? Catch them before they flake out and perhaps politely make it clear you only want them to offer if they truly intend to do it.

Also even if you didn’t have children and they just kept flaking on coming round it would be considered really rude. The childcare element is skewing how some people see this I think. Flaking out because you have a better offer or fancy something different is really inconsiderate regardless of who you’re visiting or why.

My mum would say she was coming at 12 - id think great we can have lunch when she gets here. I was attached to a Velcro baby. She’d then not arrive until 3, by which point I was a starving breastfeeding raving lunatic. And then she’d have a nap.

To be fair she was recently widowed.

To solve it i booked a weekly baby class that she took baby to. She loved it (and was usually on time), baby loved it, I got an hour to myself, and if she didn’t come I was quite happy to go to the baby class myself.