To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

[Noodlees]

My parents live 10 mins from us and are retired. When we had kids they said they wouldn't provide regular childcare and that's absolutely fine.
However they will often offer to have the kids ad-hoc during the week to give me a break (we have a toddler and baby) but they'll offer at the last minute or they'll keep changing the time that they're coming or they'll say they'll have them and then make other plans and cancel.
I find it really annoying because what should be a lovely thing for them to do to give me a break feels like actually i can't rely on it to get a break but i don't know if I'm being unreasonable and i should just be grateful for any help i get.

It sounds very annoying, OP. I don’t speak from experience though as I have one DC who was extremely fussy and sensitive as a newborn and small toddler. DH worked a lot while I was on leave, and suddenly I was all alone with this fussing baby and no help. Now we are both full time and manage between us ok now it’s easier with childcare.

I feel for parents stuck in similar situations and more children as well. For any parent it would be great to have reliable help. It does take a village and I think for many parents it’s not quite the case.

Some babies only nap in your arms, and depending on their age, may only nap for 30-45 minutes at a time, which isn’t really enough time to all the things you might want to do, unlike the full 2 hours you might get if someone takes them out of the house.

How sad for him. And you seem proud of that..? “The male loneliness crisis” lol. It’s 90% self inflicted.

You make it sound like OP is unreasonable to feel frustrated about being let down, and hurt herself that she and her children so often ditched last minute for a better offer, even if the children are too young to understand. Abandoning plans last minute for a better offer is ride and hurtful in ANY circumstances, and in ANY relationship. If it was a friend, or an aunt or a cousin, everyone would automatically understand that it’s rude. It’s so strange how, when the person being let down is a young mother, normal rules of civility go out the window and she is expected to just accept being treated like she doesn’t matter…🤔

They're flakey. Flakey people are annoying full stop.

Maybe they are just saying it because they think they should? Sort of "must do lunch?"

This is just like my ILs. We gave up asking them and now just never rely on them for any kind of childcare.

Or, if you say you are going to do something, then do it.

She didn’t ask. They offered. Then they didn’t do it.

Firstly I would talk to the grandparents. If they are not your parents perhaps talk to your partner first.

But I do think you are super lucky to have any help at all. So many of us do not and have never had any help at all. Our parents might not live close enough to help, might be sick or might be dead.

As someone with school age kids I can promise you it gets easier as they get older. You will eventually have more time to yourself. Maybe instead think about things you can do with young kids. Join baby and toddler groups if you haven’t already. I found that helped me a lot.

They shouldn’t offer then in the first place!

I swear some people seem to think certain people should get a pass for cancelling on others last minute when most people would consider it extremely rude, especially when the offer was from the cancelling party.

These grandparents will probably be the same ones moaning about how the grandchildren don’t want to come near them and/or uncomfortable around them and be baffled why.

Agree 100%!!!

My parents did this and now the kids are 19 and 16 they whinge that they don’t really know them and have no relationship with them. And it appears to be my fault!

It led to all sorts of issues. They come over and try to parent my children because they don’t understand that is not their role. I sat my Mum down and had to explain to her how to interact with my children. Anyway. Sorry. Not my post!

I can’t glean very much about them as people from the message but if you are able to frame it less as giving you a break and more about developing a relationship with their flesh and blood and talk about what they will get out of it you might find they become more interested.

And I wouldn’t feel bad about asking for a commitment of a set day. Old people love bloody routines and you can bet that every other aspect of their lives is booked in - book club, Pilates, shopping trips etc etc. And all their mates will be banging on about their grandchildren and doing stuff with theirs will give them something to talk about!

good luck

This is probably part of problem when people have an attitude that grandparents have a duty to provide childcare and that their feelings don't count. They may feel under pressure to offer care that they don't feel comfortable with and that's why they keep backing out. It's a hell of a demand to foist a baby and a toddler on retirees who haven't had to look after children that age for a very very long time. You can't force grandparents to want to be part time carers, some people want to move overseas or travel when they retire!

No one is making them offer though!

They are choosing to offer and say they will do xyz and then change their mind last minute because they can and OP simply has to lump it.

Would you really not be annoyed if someone made plans with you and then the day of said they are doing something else and/or have something better to do?

My 2yo would definitely be upset if I told her grandma was coming and then that didn’t happen. Although in OP’s shoes I just wouldn’t ever tell her in advance 😅

Proud of him?
I'm happy with the situation.
As mentioned, I'm child free and the kids would just take our time and energy.

Sure, but in their entire lives so far he hasn’t even been able to spare a couple of hours to take them out to the park or the cinema, or have them over his house for a couple of hours and show them something he knows (whether it’s gardening, or fixing a car, or playing chess, whatever)? As that’s the level of “childcare” OP has described here, not being their full time childminder. Of course it takes energy, but so does everything worth doing in life. Of course it’s his choice, but he shouldn’t be surprised if his kids and grandkids don’t have much time for him when he starts to need more support either.

Get your partner to take the kids for the day and you can relax.

They didn't work all their lives to be your free babysitters, perhaps if they cancel they have other plans or don't feel upto it or if they offer at last min perhaps they have a free day, many grandparents nowadays are quite young and still work so wouldn't have time to look after your kids, don't be ungrateful

Ungrateful for what? Being let down when she’s not asked them for anything?

I think Id start rejecting their offer and when they asked why Id be honest. The inconsistency is making it more pressure not less

And they can see the kids when you visit

No they are being really unfair. I would say to them the next time that no not to worry about it as they usual don’t manage anyways so u don’t want to miss out on your own arrangements that u could be doing instead. Or have them come and cancel at last minute as reminder of how it feels. Doesn’t sound like they would be bothered anyways.
yadnbu.

She’s hardly ungrateful. Would you like making plans when the other party would cancel on you allll the time?? Op has said from beginning she doesn’t expect childcare but it’s not unreasonable to expect see kind of relationship with grandkids. That they then abuse the privilege. As yes grandkids are indeed a privilege that not everyone has the pleasure of. Get off ur high horse.

Try and get a little routine going where they come and see you every Sunday afternoon and you know that without fail they’ll be there

@Noodlees I could never let my adult child down like that. It's unacceptable that they offer one day and cancel the next. At the moment it's just you being let down, wait until your DC are older and they are all excited to go out with GPs for them to call and cancel on them.

I'd gently mention that you'd really appreciate it if they only offer to take the kids when they can absolutely commit to it. This allows you to make plans yourself (go out with a friend, get your hair done etc..) and be able to stick to them.

My parents are exactly like this.
I have started asking more, and it's much better! They are always happy to help which is really nice - but before, they rarely offered and it would be super last minute too, usually being either inconvenient for me or causing more stress having to get things ready for them. Not to mention the fact that if they'd given me a bit more notice it might have been a really nice break for me that I could have planned for better too!
We rely on nursery and wrap around for all our regular childcare and it's much less stressful and we like having the reliability. It's hard work when you don't get a break - so don't feel bad for asking. They can always say no 🤷