To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

[Noodlees]

My parents live 10 mins from us and are retired. When we had kids they said they wouldn't provide regular childcare and that's absolutely fine.
However they will often offer to have the kids ad-hoc during the week to give me a break (we have a toddler and baby) but they'll offer at the last minute or they'll keep changing the time that they're coming or they'll say they'll have them and then make other plans and cancel.
I find it really annoying because what should be a lovely thing for them to do to give me a break feels like actually i can't rely on it to get a break but i don't know if I'm being unreasonable and i should just be grateful for any help i get.

That is really really frustrating! My MIL is similar except sometimes she’ll show up and tell DH and I to go out (romantic groceries or once for bubble tea) and then half the time she gives us the kids back before we have our shoes on to leave.

I am so glad they cover doctor’s appointments. I think for anything else, don’t believe it until they arrive. Getting your hopes up is crushing you.

They are being unreliable and it’s so hurtful

The cancelling is very annoying, I'd find that frustrating. The last minute thing? That's no bother, just accept the ones you want and turn down the ones you don't.

"Sorry, Mum and Dad, that doesn't suit us today, but would you like to come over tomorrow morning?"

For very flaky people I find it easier to assume they won't turn up and it's nice if they do. I had a couple of friends like that, and I would get on with my day rather than rely on them appearing when they said. Otherwise I got too annoyed by it and on balance their company was worth the inconvenience.

It's an unfortunate thing but grandparents do quite often frame seeing their grandchildren as "wanting to give parents a break" but then making that break entirely down to the grandparents' schedule. You need to unpack this and talk it through with them. As parents, you are not on standby to provide access to grandchildren as and when the desire takes grandparents on a whim.

They probably don't want to offer a regular day/time so they can have flexibility around other plans in their retirement. Maybe you could approach them and see if they could maybe do 2 half days a week, with a rough schedule, but say to them if you have any plans come up let you know and you can rearrange.

Committing to a specific time is probably a step too far given what they've said, but a rough schedule to give you a break, as long as you are prepared to stay a bit relaxed around that, could give you a bit more time for yourself.

Or chat on a Sunday or something about when works for them in that coming week or two.

I would be very grateful that you have the option, we live too far away for regular care, but even irregular has at best seemed reluctant, and honestly in practice has been a few times in 11 years. But understandably there is some hesitation from your side to constantly be asking, so an informal arrangement of a few hours/morning a couple of times a week may give you a bit more time to yourself, helps them build that relationship with their grandchildren, but without over committing them beyond what they are prepared to help with.

Would you say that they let you down more often than not?

When they come to visit you would they take the kids out for an hour so you could have some peace that way?

Or you nip out for a coffee for half an hour or something?

That is terrible! Perhaps it is old fashioned, but I am a believer that if you promise help like this, you should do it unless you are unwell. These are their grandchildren and to let them down like this is very poor. I think the next time they cancel on your children, I would explain clearly that they have let them and you down and how hurtful it is and tell them that if they are not careful they risk destroying any close relationship with their grandchildren.

An hour in the bath? Seriously?! Nothing about that sounds relaxing. Unless you like cold baths...each to their own.

I think the take home message, from your responses to posts is - just don't get your hopes up. Expect nothing from the DGPs, then you won't be disappointed.

But it's not the DC being let down, they're too young to care. It's the OP that feels let down by expecting help. I think this response is totally out of whack and unfair on the GPs who's prerogative it is to change their plans based on the weather just because they can.

I think that type of flakiness is really rude.
Better they don't offer IMO.
I don't do flaky people though.

I think that if you want consistency you need to stop accepting and tell them why. They will either shape up or stop.

But the help you are getting at the moment is not helpful to you.

Spot the posters who haven't bothered to read the OP!

Its gospel here that you don't take grandparental care for granted, and OP is quite obviously not doing that.

I agree, that this chopping and changing, cancelling at last minute is utterly useless, and is more trouble to deal with than no help at all. I would be tempted to refuse any of these offers, and if it's queried, explain why it doesn't work for you.

I think you need to act and make decisions at all times as though you don’t have them for childcare. They want to see them and look after them but it all has to be on their terms, which I couldn’t be doing with.

Absolutely don’t rely on them for any childcare you need while you work because they will let them down. An ad hoc arrangement would never work there.

As someone who had no help whosoever and had to take me baby and a toddler with me for my six weekly check up.

I would just make plans and forget about getting any help from them. If they really want to see your children and help you out they will realise you and they have a life and if they arrange to see the kids and look after the kids on say Tuesday afternoon and cancel last minute they can’t expect you to drop everything and cancel softplay or a play date because Wednesday now works best for them. They will get the message. Think of the saying if they wanted to they would and unfortunately equally if they don’t want to they won’t.

Just say to them. Please don't offer to take the kids unless you are ok sticking to the plan, it makes it hard for me to plan our days.

It's the way you phrase it that matters " Mum, Dad, thanks for the offer but to be fair you've cancelled or changed the details the last three times so I'm not sure this is working."

That sounds far more factual than " you need to be better" people cant argue with fact.

So they are reliable when you actually NEED childcare but not so if you want them to take the kids so you can sit in the bath for an hour?

Don’t have any advice but I just can’t understand grandparents like yours who won’t provide regular childcare or offer to help and then let you down. I am a grandma and although it’s very tiring i provide regular childcare and don’t let them down.

So much fixating on OP’s flippant reference to having a bath 🤯 Pretty sure it was just an example of a relaxing activity one might do with a window of childfree time…

I empathise OP, my in laws are similar. I now only assume they will actually follow through if they are standing on my doorstep.

I suppose they feel that they are there when needed so it's ok to not always be when not?

That said I think it's rude of them to offer then rescind.

Perhaps only accept last minute offers that suit you as they won't be taken back?

@Ohfudgeoff - you obviously had very easy babies.
Mine never ever went to bed in the evening alone, he screamed for hours, fed for hours and eventually would fall asleep only if being held.
If I put him in crib alone he would hold his breathe within seconds, turn blue and basic stop breathing. I took him to the doctors several times and hospital and they said it’s actually very common that young babies hold breathe!
So no, I never had a bath in the evening if dh wasn’t there as there was no free evening.
He never took a daytime nap either without being walked miles and miles.

If someone had offered to watch Ds 30 mins so I could breathe, I would have cried if they then decided not to come after offering.

Stop agreeing. No other way round it. And arrange for them to see the kids in a way that doesn't affect you if they fuck it off.

They are welcome to pop round if you know you're going to be at home for several hours, or you could always invite them to come with you if you know you're going to the park or whatever.

I don't think you need to be confrontational to get them to think a bit more. If they offer a day or two ahead - say 'Is that definite? If so I'll arrange to see Mary / leave the ironing then I can get it done when I'm on my own'. If they cancel because it's a nice day, ask them if they've time to still swing by a couple of hrs later because you had left the shopping until they were coming and you now have no food in & can't so easily do a big shop with the two DCs in tow (or whatever other scenario you could come up with without blushing). They probably just feel they are doing something extra & nice, and forgetting how this might impact you. I would usually go for honesty rather than white lies but in a situation where they are trying to be nice I'm not sure anything critical is helpful.

I broke down and cried at my mum when I ws at a low point as she never ever offered help but helped my sibling all the time.
She said I never asked specifically and always seemed fine. I thought my hints were sufficient, turned out she needed me to be direct. "Mum I am really struggling this week can you please come at 2pm as I havent showered for days and I really need your help." Would have been better than my vague, "oh it would be nice to see you, oh you will pop round, thanks, that will be nice, yeah im fine, whatever fits your schedule, its up to you"
She just thought I didnt need any help at all. My sibling would block my mums calendar out and remind her several times she was going out and then turn up with the kids early, so to me it looked like my mum was helping them all the time on purpose, when it was me just being vague and saying i was fine, when I should have been direct.

Honestly just don't expect it and don't accept it. If they offer say "nah you'll just let me down and the last minute and that's more stressful."

Just write them off. You'll find life another easier.