To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

[Noodlees]

My parents live 10 mins from us and are retired. When we had kids they said they wouldn't provide regular childcare and that's absolutely fine.
However they will often offer to have the kids ad-hoc during the week to give me a break (we have a toddler and baby) but they'll offer at the last minute or they'll keep changing the time that they're coming or they'll say they'll have them and then make other plans and cancel.
I find it really annoying because what should be a lovely thing for them to do to give me a break feels like actually i can't rely on it to get a break but i don't know if I'm being unreasonable and i should just be grateful for any help i get.

Don't rely on them - then if they do something it's a pleasant surprise / optional extra.
Remember they have lives too.

That's bad, they made arrangements with you to have the children, unless someone is ill you don't let someone down last minute. I would be quite annoyed too OP.

What they're doing is lining up "something to do"(looking after their grandchildren) in case something better doesn't come along. When they think something much more interesting has cropped up, they drop you in it.

If you have a partner YABU to be relying on your parents so you can have a bath. You need to have a more equal partnership with your DH.

I would try and lock them in. ‘That sounds great, thank you. I’ve actually been wanting to try xyz at that time. It’s non refundable though so will only book it if you’re sure’?

Or ‘great, I’ll make plans with Suzy for that time if you’re sure that works for you?’!

Rinse and repeat. If they continue letting you down then I’d say no thank you honestly because it’s more of a headache not being able to make plans to get out for the day!

Not sure why people are not understanding the difference between having a long, soapy bath with a candle on and being able to relax knowing its not going to be interupted as your childfree and a bath whilst baby naps, could wake up at any time and that nagging to do list mentally lurking!

My in laws were like this OP, not with childcare so much as meeting us in general (they weren't able to do childcare). They also ignored instructions and got annoyed at us a couple of times. We ended up telling them that we weren't arranging anything specific with them going forwards and if they wanted to see us they would have to arrange it... we last saw them at Christmas!

I have a friend whose parents sound similar to yours and her mum had a rep for being easily offended. So next time they arranged babysitting she gave them a 30 min Grace period and when they didnt show she just went out for a coffee, toddler in tow and text them saying she had made plans and so had to go out, she hoped to see them soon.

I keep reading these posts where Mums are saying they need a break. I just don’t get it I’m afraid. Perhaps kids today are different but I had 3 in 4 years - so a 4 year old, a 14month old and a new born. At no time did I feel that I needed a break. I just got on with it. My mother and father worked full time so it was visits and the odd day out with them to a zoo or museum. But I never had babysitting or anything. If I needed to go somewhere or something then my husband took care of the children. I can count on the fingers of one hand the occasions that my husband and I went out together as a couple. But I didn’t feel that this was hard or I needed a break. This was family life. It seemed to be pretty much the same for everyone with children. Perhaps it was different in those days. Not really that long ago my children were born in the late 60’s early 70’s. I loved being a mother. And I had to wait until youngest was about 3 before I had an automatic washing machine. Had a second hand twin tub and 2 babies in nappies that had to be washed as no disposable ones. I didn’t think this was hard and I needed a break! What utter nonsense. If a woman doesn’t want to be a mother then don’t have children. Sorry, rant over.

Why are you ranting to begin with?

Why make it into a weird competition and ridiculously suggest that OP or any woman who needs a break didn’t or don’t want to be a mother?

Do you want a gold star for not finding it hard/difficult?

I have my mum and sister within 5 minutes.
My children are 4 and 2. Neither my mother nor sister have had my children - ever. They're reasoning being they've 'done their time'. I lost my job because I couldn't source childcare for weekends.
It hurts because I regularly provided childcare free for my nieces and nephews for 12 years before mine were born - because I love them. But equally, I try not to be resentful or let it hurt too much, because children are bloody hard work - it was my choice to have them, and yep, my family have done their time xx

YANBU . My parents did this for years, they were always late and retired and had no other plans. It was like it was such an inconvenience for them to actually show up and help out. It came came to a head (along with loads of other issues) when they were always over half an hour late to pick up my daughter for their once a month childcare (I changed my pattern at work so that I could accommodate them) so we just stopped that monthly childcare altogether and stopped asking them to help. They got upset and begged to help out again, but I said it was more stress than it was worth. What really hurt is my mother in law is the exact opposite to them, and actually wants to spend time with her grandaughter, and help us whenever she can, even travelling for miles to see her and help us out with childcare but my parents had the cheek to get upset that I was “comparing them to her”.
my parents have been retired for years and literally do nothing all week. I had to have an open and frank conversation with them, and spoke to other family members who all agreed with me that they were crap. Thankfully my parents have stepped up since my daughter had started school, but it still hurts that they showed no interest in their grandaughter up until then. Now it’s all about getting an obligatory family photo whenever we meet up with them- for them to share with other family just to prove they do have a relationship with their grandkids now lol.

If they're older , they'll find their lives more difficult, just housework, dr appointments , hospital visits take more out of them, and leave them weary and tired . Perhaps when they're weary they know they'll be unable to cope and rather than feel they're complaining ,simply make an excuse .

Well, don't offer then!

Just keep saying no thanks when they offer.

@Nicaveron

well done! Great empathy

i don’t suppose you held down a full time job?

It's almost like they want to prioritise themselves. How utterly selfish of them.

I,m 61, worked hard all my life, nightshifts around the clock, still working 7 days, ,mind and body shattered..the thought of grand kids is fantastic but scarey.. think its reasonable for grandparents just to do minimum or whatever suits cos they probably want their own time or are simply worn out ❤️

There is so much confusion on this thread between whether or not grandparents should do childcare at all and whether or not grandparents who have committed to doing childcare at a specified time are unreasonable if they are late or decide to cancel at the last minute.

It doesn't matter who you are: if you commit to helping someone out, you have to show up or you are flaky and hopeless!

You misunderstand me. OP can feel how she feels as can anyone. Nothing unreasonable to feel how you feel. However to expect childcare from people unreliable in the first place, which they demonstrate time and time again, is the OPs issue here. Be they grandparents (who are retired and want to enjoy retirement), aunts, neighbours, cousins or best mates or whatever the relationship is.

And that's the point, especially if the DGPs are known to be repeatedly flakey, you just wouldn't get the hopes up of a 2yo. If they come they come, nice surprise 2yo is happy mum is happy and noone is disappointed. If they don't come oh well they're flakey not surprised didn't expect it.

It sounds like you did get a break though when your parents took them to the zoo or museum. My daughter is 4 and both sets of grandparents have never taken her for a day out and both sets are retired!!

I remember the times parents came to visit to see the baby when newborn/toddler. Not only was I hosting, sorting out food and drinks for everyone, I was also wrangling a baby or child while they looked on from their settee.

I'm glad to hear you didn't need a break after working full time and looking after 3 children whilst also planning days out to keep them socialised (of course you didn't turf them out all day during school holidays and let them play on the street where they were susceptible to paedophiles and other rogue characters from a young age-that's definitely not a break of 8 hours is it).

I'm sorry you didn't feel the need to spend time with your husband too. I get it, why bother. As long as he can look after the children while you go out that's fine.

Obviously if a woman doesn't want to be a mother they shouldn't have children. Of course!!

What you haven't considered are the mothers who do want their children, love them dearly but also would like to spend time with friends or husband as being a mother isn't their whole identity. They are also a career woman, a book nerd, a pottery enthusiast, an artist, a wild swimmer, a wild camper or even just a gorgeous nail girly.

I kind of agree with this. I have 4 grandbabies between 1-5 yo and I’m only 48 myself. I’ve got my own health issues and I’m still actively parenting a teenager too. I may offer to have my grand kids but if I get an app through for my consultant or I’m not feeling great that day I sometimes have to cancel or rearrange having them. Same thing if they are sick with the many many bugs they bring home from school, I’ve got a very delicate immune system and get very sick very easily. I’m sure my dd thinks I’m flakey and I’m the past she’s actually stopped me seeing my grand kids for 2-3 months which was completely unfair but here we are. Either way, I still have the eldest 2-3 for a sleep over ever other week and go to hers every 6 weeks to allow her and her husband to go to a hotel overnight. I also do baby sitting through the week for 2-6 hours total for any appointments she has. Simple truth is I do the very best I can while trying to protect my own health and still having a life . If she wants/needs more, it needs to come from other sources.

There’s millions of parents who don’t get a break from their children!
I can’t understand why people have children and then want regular breaks from them!
its your partner’s responsibility to give you a break from your children not your parents
when your eldest is at nursery, then take a bath or shower and catch up with jobs around the house

It’s reasonable for them to say they won’t offer childcare regularly but unfair to be unreliable.

Enjoy your children during your mat leave.
I'm sure you do. Have you thought of asking your parents round just for a cuppa/lunch with you at yours, for a catch up with them to show you enjoy their company and are interested in their lives?
The bonus would be that they would see the demands of a young child and baby.
You might more easily be able to slip into the conversation that you really look forward to the times ' you say you're coming' and thank them.
Any possible, future comment to them to let them know it's 'tricky ' if they change the plans short notice, might then seem less confrontational.

Some weird comments on here. Even if you didn't have kids this level of flakiness would be annoying and a let down. The fact you do have kids and look forward to a break is really hard when you are let down. Next time they offer id say that you are doing xx and you dont want to arrange if they might not be able to make it. Although really being more direct might be better. Do they have reasons for why they have let you down in the past, eg health or just generally being thoughtless?