To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

[Noodlees]

My parents live 10 mins from us and are retired. When we had kids they said they wouldn't provide regular childcare and that's absolutely fine.
However they will often offer to have the kids ad-hoc during the week to give me a break (we have a toddler and baby) but they'll offer at the last minute or they'll keep changing the time that they're coming or they'll say they'll have them and then make other plans and cancel.
I find it really annoying because what should be a lovely thing for them to do to give me a break feels like actually i can't rely on it to get a break but i don't know if I'm being unreasonable and i should just be grateful for any help i get.

I only had the in laws. MIL would make a big song and dance about telling us just to ask but was then never available!

But she only ever mentioned it when there were other people to overhear her, who would then tell me what a wonderful grandmother she was....

It doesn’t matter how hard you’ve worked, it’s not reasonable to let people down for no reason when you’ve offered. Not offering in the first place is fine, but being flaky isn’t a reward for being hard working

Yep. And that’s what annoys us. Saying no is fine. Getting your hopes up and then crushing them is so hard. Especially if they actually know youre struggling (hopefully youre not but life is generally hard with those ages).

If I was going out with a friend to the cinema and she cancelled on me multiple times the day of, she wouldn't be my friend for long as being let down multiple times is just rude and unpleasant.

Same in this scenario. Parents offer to come round then don't over and over again, cancelling plans the day of.

What's the difference here other than you can't just stop being your parents friend.

What would you say to someone whose friend kept cancelling plans on the day because of a better offer? Why is it different here?

I wouldn’t ask if it’s still ok, I’d message instead and say ‘don’t forget you’ve offered to have kids today! - I’m really looking forward to a couple of hours to myself !…

if they still message and say they’ve arranged something else make it known that you’re disappointed they’ve let you done again..

I wonder if they offer to help then withdraw the help so that in future when they offer you will say ‘no don’t worry!’….
that way they can tell people that they’re always offering to help you @Noodlees but you never accept !
My mum does this… she always offers to do something, but then moans the whole time that she’s got soooo much to do at home - so then you stop accepting her offer of help because you know it’s not really being offered willingly…. So then you struggle and do it yourself and she tells everyone ‘Well I offer to help but she always declines…. Or ‘oh she’s so stubborn and never accepts helps! ..

My siblings ask for help with their kids and my mum helps, but then moans afterwards to me, saying how she can’t believe non of her children can look after their own children and how she never got any help with childcare from either grandparents and still managed 4 children - so why can’t my siblings and their partners manage 2!?

I never ask her to help me with my DD and she’s old enough now to be left anyway.

maybe when they offer next time ask them if they are 100% offering because the last minute changes upset you!

The only time I have ever confronted my mother was over a similar situation. Kids older but first time living within a 30 minute drive of them. They would “reserve” an afternoon after school or a weekend day and then call at the last minute to cancel. Likely because they are a bit chaotic. But it meant that my kids had refused play dates with their new friends or we had rescheduled activities and then we were all stuck around waiting until they were cancelled on. My mother took it very badly. Wouldn’t speak to me for a couple of months, wept and was furious. But to be fair she took it on board and parents were a lot more reliable after that. We now have the issue of kids with very busy sports and academic schedules and grandparents who are desperate to book in time during prime revision/training slots. I do feel for them, but wish they could be a bit less inflexible. It was the same when kids were younger and they had stopped being flakey. They would offer to have them “to give us a break” but it would involve a post supper and bath drop off on Friday and a pick up ncie and early on Saturday so they could still fit in their 10am walk to Waitrose. Makes me think that all the early years without grandparents childcare probably wasn’t much of a loss as maybe they would have pulled the same.
Wishing you a long hot bath and a real break soon. Care of small kids is no small thing.

I would tell them - they might not realise. If they then don't offer, then at least you know where you stand.

Have they always been like this? That is, unreliable and thoughtless?

Do your parents have last minute appointments for hospitals etc which might explain the behaviour? You might not necessarily know or want to know?
Perhaps gently explain that whilst you would like a regular arrangement (who wouldnt) you understand that they want their freedom having worked their whole life. Given you are happy to agree to this, can agreements be confirmed so that you can plan? It is not just a break but an opportunity to complete important tasks and for a grandparent relationship to be formed.

Il never forget my MIL saying to me ‘im retiring soon, have more and il look after them’ that was 9 years ago and I think she has had them maybe 3 times 😂😂😂😂 lol!

It is not unusual when parents or in laws can't be fully committed, don't fight it, try to communicate with them first. But be prepared to be self sufficient.

I love having my grandchildren. Even though it can be exhausting, I know they won’t be little forever. I want to make memories for them and myself. Having said that some grandparents believe they have done their duty as parents and find it an inconvenience to look after the next generation. My sisters mother-in-law left their hometown when my sister had her son, never bothered with her two grandchildren, she was a vain woman and went on to marry 3 times, now in her late 70’s she regularly posts messages to all her grandchildren calling herself “ nannie” the only grandma they think of was my late mother, who as a young widow adored her grandchildren and spent as much time as possible with them, even while working full time. All our children ( my two and sisters two) have lasting beautiful memories of her. No one can take from them. Sorry for long post, I find it sad that grandparents can not spare the the time, or don’t want to.

Not everyone is partnered up 🫠

Absolutely this. Leave them alone.

You may find this surprising but retired people also have lives. My parents rarely helped with my son as generally too busy doing their own stuff. Have you considered maybe chatting with friends? You may have some one in similar situation whose kids you could mind whilst they have some me time abd vice versa.

You can’t rely on anyone but yourselves to loook after your children.
the sooner you learn this, the less you’ll care.
Nobody is under any obligation to look after your children, unless you’re paying them and even then you have to prepare for closures, sickness, emergency etc.

You can easily have a bath when they’re both asleep, I’d imagine this is what most parents do (it’s certainly what I did!). Going forward it’s probably pointless to get your hopes up and instead, take it as nice if they turn up but whatever if they don’t. Don’t plan your life around them helping. You could also have a word and ask for them to be more consistent.

Probably an unpopular viewpoint, but grandparents have done their child-raising and don’t have to do it again.
I’m an older mum, so my parents were in their 70s by the time the kids came along, and it would have been too big an ask of them. We never get a night off, but it is what it is.
My mum recently passed and my daughter is only 10. Invite them along to stuff, make the most of them while they’re here, and enjoy making precious memories watching grandparents and grandchildren spending time together. X

They never promised to provide childcare. You’ve got 2 young children what kind of “break” are you looking for? They are your children suck it up.

Fucking hell what is wrong with this country! What has happened to the village!? I think retired grandparents who live close by should absolutely want to help out with grandkids just to give mum a break (and to want to spend time with GK), not just because she has appointment or something. And OP shouldn’t feel like a CF or a burden just for asking for a little help with her baby and toddler, which can be very hard and lonely when you’re on your own all day. I know some people do not have the luxury of GP that live close by or are involved, but if they do it should not be a stressful situation to ask/offer help from either side - everyone should be involved in raising the younger generation. God I am so lucky that both GPs would bend over backwards to have my LO for the afternoon or entire weekend if I asked!

I am just commenting on other people’s responses to OP, not her actual problem - which I think YANBU

Well OP does duh 🫠

Yes very annoying. However it could be worse, between the 3 living grandparents my 4 year old son has, two have never babysat, one had him for 2 hours 15 minutes about a year ago. We never get a break.

Oh, stop being so patronising. What is it with all this…’ they have forgotten’, ’they don’t realise’.

We remember quite a lot actually and some of us ancient people are pretty busy too. Can’t stand this ageist crap.

Maybe you asking if they're still coming makes them feel the plan isn't 'solid' and you're giving them the chance to change their mind. I'd stop asking, just message that you're looking forward to seeing them.