To be annoyed at grandparents for unreliable childcare

[Noodlees]

My parents live 10 mins from us and are retired. When we had kids they said they wouldn't provide regular childcare and that's absolutely fine.
However they will often offer to have the kids ad-hoc during the week to give me a break (we have a toddler and baby) but they'll offer at the last minute or they'll keep changing the time that they're coming or they'll say they'll have them and then make other plans and cancel.
I find it really annoying because what should be a lovely thing for them to do to give me a break feels like actually i can't rely on it to get a break but i don't know if I'm being unreasonable and i should just be grateful for any help i get.

Well them saying "we'll take the kids out for a few hours on Tuesday afternoon" is them promising to provide childcare, no?

If you didn't bother to read the post then just don't reply 🙄

Fedupwithidiots

The sleep when the baby sleep’s brigade are out in force I see!

My baby only napped (after about 7 months of never sleeping during the day) for an hour, and only ever in the pram while being pushed about. I did used to to use the time to sit on a bench and think etc but if I needed to do anything practical that couldn’t be done out in street/park in all weather it had to be done with a baby in tow which was perfectly doable but, as the op pointed out, is far from relaxing.

I count myself lucky compared to my friend’s colicky baby who had to be constantly held. We always have a good laugh about people who say do something his or that when baby is doing x, y, z.

I used to do washing up with baby in the bouncer but had to constantly sing nursery rhythms and turn around and give eye contact.

Maybe these parenting experts all just stick their baby in front of the iPads.

You are totally unreasonable and self centred

I think it is rather sad to have to pay for childcare when grandparents are at hand. I remember how much joy my Dad got from my two when they were little, his fulfilment and the bond he created with them was incomparable to me paying a stranger to look after them. Now I am retired and a short bus journey from my daughter who has three children aged between 6 months and 6 years old. I

They’re lazy and entitled and expect others to look after their children.
they never expected it to be hard and that’s half the problem

Unfortunately we live in a society where grandparents are thinking they are doing you a favour rather than having and enjoying the valuable time with their grandchildren. And they’ve told you they don’t want to do it, because that’s their mindset. So it’s no bother to them to let you down, of course not to mention it might give you a break at the same time. But this is what you can expect from them, they are not reliable, either tell them not to do it at all or be more reliable and tell them this is upsetting you, also how about selling them idea that they won’t get this time back again with their grandchildren.

This. We live in a society now where we see things like ‘caring for a grandchild’ as some kind of transactional relationship. The fact that you live or OP lives 10
minutes away from her parents yet receives very little help, kind of tells you what kind of society we live in. In other parts of the world the grandchild is a joy, is in fact very helpful for older adults and has huge benefits for the child. Nobody is asking for full time childcare, but actually it’s a village that should help with raising kids. We’ve got the very unhelpful you shouldn’t expect it brigade on here and why should a retired person be bothered with your children or why on earth do we owe our daughter any kind of favour. And if we do it’s only on our terms, the fact that nobody can see this is selfish and true reflection of his broken we are as a family unit I just don’t understand!

There are two separate conversations going on here, one about grandparents doing regular childcare, the other about grandparents helping out.

Many young people, and even the not so young, expect grandparents to put in some days and hours. While that would be lovely, in an ideal world, one can understand if women (and it’s usually the women doing the heavy lifting) feel that they have done their time at the childrearing coalface, probably at the same time as working outside the home.

They might have had elderly parents too, and just want a bit of unstructured, free time in their last years. They will also be slowing down physically, more tired, possibly a bit achey. It doesn’t seem fair to expect them to pick up yet another burden, delightful as that burden might be. Are women never allowed to rest, never allowed to just live their own lives, free of caring responsibility?

The other conversation is about grandparents helping out. That’s a separate thing entirely, and one would think that any grandparents who could would be delighted, for obvious reasons.

The grandparents here offered, seemed to suggest that they would step up, yet seem always to let the poster down. If they made the suggestion in the early flush of pregnancy, then realised that in fact they didn’t want that much responsibility, they should speak to their daughter about that. And being flakey about arrangements is just unforgivable, grandparents or not.

How is OP lazy and entitled for expecting her parents to keep their word? They are the ones offering!

Plenty of threads on AIBU when people make plans and than change them last minute without any consideration to the person they made plans with (barring emergencies) usually is considered pretty rude and disrespectful with posters being told to drop them when it is continuous yet somehow someone’s parents doing this to them is absolutely fine and they shouldn’t expect their own parents, own family members to keep plans with their grandchildren when they were the ones who offered in the first place?

Why?

If they can tell OP they aren’t doing regular childcare then they can stop offering to have the grandchildren since they have such little respect for their own daughter that they change plans because they find something more preferable than spend time with their own grandchildren. Pretty sure, many adult children would find that not only disheartening but hurtful.

I wouldn’t expect anything from them and say no thank you every time they offer. I wouldn’t want my children thinking such behaviour is acceptable and/or began thinking that they don’t matter that much to their grandparents as they get older and began to notice.

Maybe agree with them a time when you can drop the kids off with them

@SmudgeBrown a lot of grandparents are still working full time (not the OP's parents) and it would be unreasonable to ask for regular childcare. I am almost 61 and have 4gc under the age of 5, I work 4 days a week, also help my parents who are in their 80s as my only sibling has sadly died and whilst I'd love to I just can't. I am always open to help out in an emergency or for a planned event and I wouldn't dream of being flaky.

I don’t think you are being unreasonable at all. It’s them that make the offer, you are gearing up for it and they let you down. Probably best to make other arrangements l. It would annoy me too.

Then fine if they don't offer it. It's your children, plan as if you don't rely on anyone, and if help comes, take it as a bonus.

They would be very mean if they stopped offering, they must like to spend time with the kids. Even if this happened it is ok. It's their life, it's your children, not theirs. Sorry to say that.

I think they decide on emotions, and then something else comes out, tireness maybe, so they change their plans.

It's free babysitting so just act as if it would never happen, and plan independently.

I'm a self employed, when I was younger I needed a place to run my business. Friends helped at their wish by offering occasionally a venue, but then cancelled, denied, changed their plans etc. I learned that you can really only rely on what you secure yourself, not favours.

I understand you are upset they don't take your time seriously and that's certainly disrespectful, however if you want total reliability this can only be offered for a fee.

As hard as it is I admit. I know it's irritating and generates resentment like they don't care about you and how busy you are, unfortunately not everyone is able to have this type of respect.

You can tell them though, on their side they're very rude, possibly they think it's ok for you so you can definitely set the record straight.

That isnt remotely what is happening here and the poster hasn't shown that she expects other people to look after her children. Try reading it again.

They should give a day & specific time. Otherwise how can you know where you are & what you will be doing. Help is great but maybe firmer arrangements need to be stated & made. It’s not ungrateful but no help if it’s not at agreed times days.

Don’t ring or message and ask if they are still having the kids. Turn up on their doorstep with all their stuff and the kids and be very quick and say you have an appointment and everything’s in the bag etc and you’ll see them later and then leg it!

Blimey, I'd of been so glad of an ad-hoc bit of time off, their your kids. Parents are allowed their own life, plans change. Sounds like another example of entitlement to me

If you’d have been ‘so glad’ then why don’t you get it?

Yes, her parents are entitled to think OP’s time is unequal to theirs and it is perfectly acceptable to make offers and rescind them last minute when they find they want to do something more preferable to them.

I think it’s sad that spending whatever time they offered with their own grandchildren is so unimportant that they are happy to break plans when they think there is something better to do with no thought to their adult child and their grandchildren when they initiated in the first place.

OP isn’t making them offer and doesn’t expect regular childcare which she said in the first post and first paragraph which too many either missed or choosing to ignore over wanting to call her entitled for expecting her parents to do the bare minimum of keeping plans with her that they initiated.

The only way I see OP is being unreasonable is to expect better of them when they have clearly shown they see no issue with doing this and don’t care if it hurts their relationship with her.

They would be dropped if this were anyone else, but some do enjoy making excuses for family members who should know better.

Just say no thanks, they have their own priories clearly. A grandparent who would sack off their grandchildren especially little ones who can’t comprehend them not turning up are shameful. To protect the children’s happiness I’d say no for childcare support. Relationship of they can engage and make it positive yes, birthdays, visits, lunches etc on your terms but not relying on them will be empowering to you

And what a nasty person you are. I bet you wouldn’t say that to someone whose friend kept cancelling plans on the day for a better offer. For some reason it’s only mothers of young children who apparently don’t deserve to even be treated with basic manners #InternalisedMisogyny

I WOULD! I have 4 kids, I chose to have them, they are my responsibility, not my mum and dad's. When mum and dad look after them I appreciate it, if they cancel I don't ask for a reason. If they help it is a bonus, they chose to have me and never passed me out to be looked after! I just take care of my own responsibilities, cos I am a grown up. Sounds like you are just another over entitled madam. Grow up and take responsibility, you are the reason you have children deal with it being a real woman!

Such a weird post saying you accept your parents babysitting when they offer (exactly what OP does) and then calling her entitled and telling her to look after her own kids… does that make you not a ‘real woman’ also?

It’s hard and it sucks but you know the situation now. You need to manage your own expectations. They are flaky. They change plans. They promise and don’t deliver. It’s unpleasant but they have shown you repeatedly that this is how they behave.
you can continue expecting more from them but you will be disappointed. Or you can adjust your expectations so that when they say “I’ll have the kids for you tomorrow” you can think “there’s a slim chance they will have the kids tomorrow. Do I want to make plans around that slim chance or will the potential disappointment mean I’m better off making my own plans?”

It’s reasonable to be disappointed with them about how they have behaved. I don’t think you can continue to be disappointed now though. It’s hard having no help. I’ve never had any and have had promises that never delivered. It’s crap and I feel for you but the only control you have is whether you believe their offers in future when the truth is they don’t actually mean it! Good luck.

I never schedule the help and, I have no expectation of it, I just accept if offered..My parents have the right to see my kids and take them out when they want to. When they want they also have the right to have the freedom of retirement and spend time alone as they deserve that. Why is that so hard to understand. It is the expecting that makes her entitled. Don't really care what you think of me, I have a strong moral belief on this. If you actually needed that explaining , I feel there is no point in arguing with a you. As arguing with a fool just puts two fools in the room! I am not willing to go there!