To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

I think it's quite common to feel overexposed when you have shared something vulnerable. In my experience, these feelings lessen over time. I think you are overthinking their thoughts about you and projecting as part of your anxiety and overwhelm.
You have not done anything wrong. It's okay. Try and do things now that make your boundaries feel safe. 🌻

I agree with @Goinggonegone it is really common to feel overexposed when you have shared a "secret." I really hope things improve for you. You sound like a wonderful mother. I still shudder when I think of some things I told my sister and a close colleague.

You have nothing to be ashamed of and no one at the school thinks you are shameful. You are an excellent parent prioritising the needs of your children in very exceptionally difficult circumstances. Hold your head high.

PLEASE don't worry! The school is part of your community, they care about you and your children. Just smile and wave when you see the teacher. I had to tell my DD's teacher that I was separating and they couldn't have been more supportive and kind, but I got the impression that they hear far worse things. I was ashamed and hated having to tell people but no one bats an eyelid. The more you tell, the less alone you will feel and the stronger you will be. You're doing brilliantly.

Oh I really feel for you OP. To try and make you feel better, I work in a very leafy area with lots of lovely families but every day at school something much worse than what you've said is disclosed. If people are being nice to you it's because they respect you as a good mum in a tricky spot. They will genuinely want to help. But at the same time, you're welcome to say everything is fine if they bring it up again and you don't want to talk about it. Sending love and strength.

Yes I think it’s best to not mention too much to schools, I would never tell them anything private about my life so yanbu to regret it

You’ve explained it so much better than I did. It was my ‘secret’. Some of my friends know bits of what I’ve experienced (and they are incredible friends, I literally would not be here for my children without them) but no one person knows everything. Now, the teacher I told, plus the safeguarding lead and both deputy safeguarding leads all know. So it’s gone from no one to four people overnight. I feel sick and can’t even look at them. My children are already two of only 7% of children on pupil premium at this school because of how he’s financially trapped me and now they know this too I just feel like my children are on their radar.

This is not good advice.

Believe me, the school will have heard much worse things (sadly).

I’m a primary headteacher. You and your children are not on anyone’s radar, I promise. This is solely about support for you and your children. Please don’t worry. You’ve been very brave.

Having worked in a school and also being friends/family with those with head teaching/head of pastoral care (they have never repeated details)

I think you have done a very brave and most importantly the BEST thing for your children. It will absolutely not be gossip around the school, only shared with those who need to know ie are more highly trained in these matters should your children need more help.

Schools should be seen as a community. The ones I've worked in and my son has attended have definitely been.

Ive also had to be open with his schools about home life (admittedly not DV just medical issues at home) and the school have dealt with it in a compassionate and appropriate way.

Please dont feel embarrassed or overwhelmed. Your kids are obviously incredibly loved and taken care of, the school can see that. It's always good to have a village. And school is definitely a central part of that.

This describes the area perfectly. Rationally, I know that everyone has difficulties that they don’t share (same as I don’t share mine with parents from school - shudder!) but paranoia has kicked in. I doubt anyone else in my local area gets put in hospital for trying suggest that their child might be autistic and that school could help him. I’m not woe is me, I get up every day and smile and say nothing to anyone. And now I just feel like they all know.

If you can I would think of it that school are in a better position to support your DC if they ever need it because now they know a bit more about your family. The teachers are being nice because they have empathy for you, what’s happened to you is nothing to be ashamed of

Well continue over sharing if you want them to have concerns about you.

I’ve been the teacher on the receiving end of these kind of confidences. Any decent teacher and fellow human would simply feel immense sympathy for you, but also admire the way you are dealing with what has been thrown at you.

im obviously naive, but can you really be stopped from improving your lives by moving a mere 1.5 hours away from your appalling ex?

They don’t all know. Some people at the school know and that’s a good thing. They can support you and your children. I don’t think k many people have lives that they would want to all of the details share with everybody but that’s not what has happened here. You have told people who are involved with your children so that those people can understand what your children are going through. I really think you have done the right thing.

I teach at a grammar school in a very affluent area and we have a minimum of 5 children at any time who have involvement with ‘outside agencies’ (CAMHS, social services, police, etc.) because of parental conflict/‘challenging home life’. Very few, if any, of these students are Pupil Premium, so don’t assume you are the only one. We are told as staff so we are aware, understanding if there are difficulties with certain things, plus asked to report any concerns, but never given any details (rightly!) It’s not your fault and you have nothing to be ashamed of. It’s also probably not as widely known in school as you think, nor is it necessarily going to be the worst thing they are aware of happening at the homes of the children they work with, sadly. They may even be able to help you access other support. I’m sorry you weren’t able to take the new job you had worked hard for and missed out on the new start you needed.

You sound ashamed, but you haven’t done anything shameful at all.

This is all on your ex. As Giselle Pelicot said, “it’s time for shame to change sides”.

Yes you can! All the people who always say the courts always side with the mother are wrong (or they were in this situation).

The judge did take on board both sides. He had a hot shot lawyer, I had a (albeit nice) legal aid solicitor. At the moment, the children see their dad three nights a week. This includes 2 school runs and a pick up every week plus taking them to clubs, parents evenings, performances etc. On paper, he’s a great dad. Because I’ve never disclosed any of this to any services (I don’t want the kids on social services’ radar), there was very little evidence for how a move would be in their best interests. Other than the fact I would be earning more money. And he offered by pay more maintenance than he does now (such a nice guy!) so the judge ruled that it was in the best interests for the children to continue as they are. I mean, they are happy! I’m not knocking the judge. Plus his lawyer made out like I was making up what I did say about his control etc to spite him.

Don’t be so hard on yourself 💐

Im a single mum and I feel a bit embarrassed after disclosing a little bit of how I’m feeling. It’s because I’m usually bottling my feelings up and being everybody else’s support so saying something so personal feels a little weak when it’s not.

It sounds like the school think you’re doing a good job. 💐

I think you’ve been really brave sharing what you went through & it all helps if in the future you do decide to involve the police.
They will also be on the look out for any changes to your children’s behaviour if he starts on them.

This. Nobody at school will judge you for this.

OP, from personal experience I can tell you that I have been in the teachers' position here and felt nothing but compassion and respect for the parent concerned (parents plural, thinking about it, as it's happened a few times). A boy in my tutor group disclosed to me that his mum was in the Freedom Programme. I never mentioned it to her directly but it really helped me to support her son and by extension her, and I think she knew that I knew.

Please, please be kind to yourself. You have been through absolute hell.

Oh, OP, it's normal, as someone else said, to feel exposed and vulnerable after sharing sensitive and personal information.

To give you an example from my own life (in case it makes you feel better!)

I work closely with schools and SS in my professional role. I require an enhanced DBS and safeguarding is very much at the heart of what I do.

I am NC with my mother for serious safeguarding reasons that I had to share with my children's schools. They had no concerns about me or my children but knowing meant that they could support my children in school and were understanding when I was struggling.

Some of my children's teachers were friends and neighbours. I knew CP social workers personally and professionally to the point where my children's SS file was protected so no one I knew could chance upon them accidentally!

Nowadays, schools do a lot more than teach and are there to support the whole family.

I also lived in a leafy middle class suburb with few to no social problems and I felt utterly humiliated and ashamed of my circumstances at the time but there was no need to be. None of the shame was mine.

It isn't yours either.

I'm sorry if your experience with schools has been poor but as teacher who has sadly seen lots of cases like this, I work with the parents and children affected. In fact the kids who are highlighted, I make sure to keep an eye out for them and check in, whilst always making sure home knows we as a school are a phone call away. I love my job and care about the role we play. It's sad that you would tell this poster that we are working against parents and only heighten her worries. Not all schools are the same.

Op, everything we work with is and should be confidential too. I know that isn't always the case but most of us honour that. The role of schools has changed and are much more community based now too. Please dont feel ashamed