To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

I’d never even thought of using zoom - it seems so obvious now!

I’m a safeguarding lead at school and I have also been in a very similar situation to you with my oldest children. I can tell you that we hear all manner of stories at school and at no point do we judge them. Rules are also very strict about who knows - it doesn’t become common knowledge. The more people who know, the bigger your support system
is. You will need this! What you are going through is nothing to be embarrassed about - at all!

on a side note, I had a prohibited steps order put in place for me but it was lifted when CAFCASS got involved and they recognised that a bit of distance would do us all good and they recognised I was moving out of spite just simply couldn’t continue to afford to live where we were.

(For any comments regarding moving away from their dad - my ex followed me in the end with huge protestations of how he needed to be near the children. He moved near their school. In the end he may have seen them a few times a year if that - his choice. He even went almost a year without speaking to my son despite them all having their own phones at this point and all contact and arrangements went through them) they’re in their 20s now and he’s never really bothered with them an that shows in their relationship now.

I'm glad you picked up ont he child's response to the uniform. This sounded like a red flag to me too and I wasn't sure how to put it into words.

He is manipulating the children already.

I don’t know what I can do about that though - he is their father and has a right to see them.

My son has had art therapy and worked with the learning mentors in school. Nothing like this has come up. I can read the therapy reports through again though

My post should say wasn’t moving out of spite!! Not was!! 🙄

Hi, I know you have already received a lot of advice but I just wanted to say you should not be worried about the school knowing what's going on. It means they are in a position to be there for you, and be there for your children if you ever need it.

I left my abusive ex and informed the school. I have never reported him to the police as honestly I didn't want to go through that and without proof of anything that happened there wouldn't be much they could do anyway. He was abusive to me, not the kids. He is emotionally abscent with the kids but most of the time he leaves them with his parents on his time with them and his parents are great with them.

I completely understand the shame and guilt you will be feeling as I felt it for a long time after leaving my ex. You have nothing to feel ashamed of!! You did what you had to to survive until you could leave and now you have left and offering your kids a better chance at life. It is not easy to start again so well done!

I do now believe that I shouldn’t feel ashamed, thank you.

We separated 7 years ago and this is the first time I’ve told someone everything that he’s done since that separation. When I told her, I really thought that the court hearing would go in our favour and we would be moving (this week!) so, although I didn’t plan on telling her and it all tumbled out, subconsciously I think I thought it wouldn’t matter as we’d be moving cities and I wouldn’t have to see her again. And then I was unsuccessful in court and had to do the school run again the next morning 🙈

Im giving a lot of thought to next steps. The children are on holiday with their dad (my annual 4 nights off!) so I’ve got four more days without them to properly think about everything and make a plan.

I said yabu but only because I don't think you realise how common it is for us (as teachers) to be given the details of harrowing situations that pupils and parents find themselves in. It sounds like what you are going through is horrendous and I wonder if other people, especially professionals knowing, has suddenly made it all very real for you.

There is only one person who ought to feel embarrassed about everything that has happened, and that is definitely not you.

Definitely. I feel like, now that I’ve told someone everything, it’s real and I have to do something about it. I’ve spent literally years putting a shield round myself and just carrying on - working and giving my kids the best life I can without much money (anyone who says it’s cheap to find things to do with kids - just go to the park needs to try being me for a week!). Suddenly, it’s out in the open and something has to change. It’s just what changes and how that I need to focus on now and it’s bloody terrifying

Nobody at the school is going to be judging you. The person you disclosed it to probably wonders if they missed any signs with you and how they can better support you going forward so that you're not dealing with everything alone.

Please don't be hard on yourself because you've clearly had so much trauma and it's ongoing. You're doing great with your children x

It's great you have a little more time and distance to figure things out. You have suffered horrendous abuse even after you left your husband. I think others have mentioned Women's Aid, but that might be a good place to start. Having constant money worries must be horrendous, but you need to stop thinking your children are being harmed by this, especially it being recorded at school. Children's outcomes are shaped by many factors, and having a present and emotionally available mother is a huge win for them. Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and good luck.

@Itsfinallyspring I didn't notice in your posts, but have you spoken to womens aid at any time? They can help you navigate things and won't try and push you into anything.

I see i have cross posted with others, it is worth considering i think. You can email them.

No, because he once said, “off you go - cry to some charities and tell them how terrible I am. Play the victim, have your attention. They won’t believe you, you’re a fantasist, good luck” it’s gone round and round and round in my head for years, together with SS taking the children off me. I just couldn’t go through the emotional trauma of opening up for them not to believe me.

Oh lovey what a disgusting man he is,they will believe you.

As a teacher i can tell you that school will be nothing but supportive in your situation.

What a horrible man, can abuse you then gaslight you into silence. He is clearly fearful that you will find your voice, and the ramifications of that. Women's aid are trained and set up to believe women, they know what it takes to come forward and speak about these things. They know how dangerous and damaging abuse is for women, and they know you will only want to put your children's needs first. I know you have mentioned that you don't have funds for therapy but I hope one day you get a flipping good one who can break this down and show you how little this is your fault.

Take the The Freedom Programme Online Course https://share.google/bTMur2EZYEdEvwSPT

Keep logs and report anything new.

Don't let him do this to you. He's playing with your head to control you.

Could we not just use a trebuchet to propel them into the nearest active volcano? Would save time, expense and our mental health. I would love to do it to my ex even though I haven't had anything to do with him in 25 years!

Sorry this happened op

absolutely stop meeting up with him, do it all by email

Good god. Dumbest advice ever to someone stuck in an abusive relationship where in time as the kids get older they may actually be at risk, and mum already is. Give your head a damn shake, then sit down and shut up from being the abuser's ideal person. The one that advises silence and secrets.

I contacted them on their online chat. They asked what I wanted from them. I said I didn’t really know (not specifically) so they gave me a local phone number and I left the chat. Now feel worse than I did before, like I’m stupid for not knowing what I want / need. Other than for him to stop.

Don't worry love. You can say you don't know and you don't have to know exactly what type of help you need (practical, emotional). Please call!🩷

You are not stupid, did it give you options on the chat?

You could go on again and say something like being harrased. By ex abusive husband and looking for advice.