To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

That's a shame. Knowing a little about what is going on in a child's life can help the teacher understand their behaviour. The chances are the child will say something anyway and it would be better to have the story from the adult rather than the child's possible misperception. It's your right not to say anything about your own life of course but better not to give other people advice which could be harmful.

Would you mind elaborating on ‘slow steps to reporting?’ I genuinely was not expecting so many people to be kind. I was expecting to be flamed for opening up given advice for how to disappear back into the background!

Your feelings are your feelings, but I think you need to focus on what is best for you and the kids long term. It's not healthy that everyone thinks everything is rosy between us and you and your ex, when it isn't. That could really work against you in the future if the kids ask around for opinions etc.
Stop letting his abuse dictate how you feel. He relies on shame to stop the word getting out that he's a twat. Take away his power.

Stay at the same school, moving when it’s not needed is unnecessary upheaval and schools send records on to the new school anyway.
take the support OP and try not to worry. Schools will see much more complicated situations and ones that really are embarrassing rather than difficult ones like yours which are not your fault.

Oh my goodness, that is a complete conflict of interest and it should have been raised. I’d be reporting her to the SRA. I’m disgusted.

In terms of over sharing, you haven’t, the shame is all his. My divorce story was horrific and I leant heavily on the wonderful safeguarding lead who knew everything and was an amazing support. I now work at that school. I don’t feel any shame because the behaviour wasn’t mine.

Why would people say that, do you think your abuse and awful ex husband is a put up and shut up situation?

“All the time I was with my ex, and even post-separation, I hid his abusive behaviour - partly because he told me no one would believe me - but yes, also because I felt it was my job to cope with it without bothering other people. And I worried about the children knowing if it was spoken about”

I could have written this. If I say nothing, the children know nothing and I can protect them.

“And even though it was bad, I thought it wasn't 'bad enough'. Even with the few people I did talk to (including my GP), I minimised it massively”

This is also me.

However, and the biggie - “the more we name the abuse, the less power it has over us and our children”. How do I name this without social services being involved? I desperately do not want them in the system. They already live in two homes and are ‘the poor kids’ (pupil premium) in a very middle class area. I don’t want anything else that could be detrimental. Statistically, the odds are already stacking against them for successful, healthy futures and I really don’t know what to do to tip the balance the positive way.

I’ve put up and shut up for so many years because I don’t want my children in any sort of system on any sort of radar. And now I’ve told school and it’s on cpoms and I just feel like I’ve massively let them both down

You don't have to though, has your ex said things about systems and radars, you and your children deserve peace you trying to be on good terms with him is eroding your mental health you also matter.

What are the issues between your ex and the dc now?
They have plenty contact so as judge decided all seems well and you say the abuse was only towards you?

So ss will not have concerns why would they?
You are protected now by being split up. Meeting in public etc.

I do get it and suffer from ex but there seems no case for ss to be involved right now.

You have told school so they are aware of the background and that is hugely important in case dc come to school from dad upset or quiet etc. And suppirt for you.
But right now there are no children concerns .
For now there is no reason your dc cannot thrive.
Unless their dad begins or is somehow abusing them directly.

"My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all."

So you need support and school should be aware.
But there does not seem to be anything to raise to ss in terms of dc since you say they are safe. Ars they happy to see him?

No issues between kids and their dad, never has been, they adore him. They’re very protective of him and won’t hear a bad word about him. I don’t mean slagging him off, I wouldn’t dream of damaging them with things like that, I just mean things like when the kids say, ‘I can’t find a school hoodie’ and I might say, ‘they’re all at daddy’s, wear a jumper instead’, my son, particularly, will jump to his defence saying, ‘Daddy’s been so busy with work he hasn’t had chance to wash them all yet’ even though I hadn’t and would never ever ever say anything critical about him.

Yes, he has told me on multiple occasions that social services will get involved. And they’ll take the kids off me.

Your son says that because his dad feeds him that rubbish, daddy could throw some washing in mummy manages.

Yes, he has told me on multiple occasions that social services will get involved. And they’ll take the kids off me
He has dripped this in that it has stuck.

Why would dc be removed from you? Makes no sense. Ignore him.

Dc are happy.
For now seems fine.
Ex abuse/attempts to control you still are hard to deal with for sure. Keep getting support stay strong.

The kids love going to his and are very happy to see him, hug him etc. They talk about him positively.

The deputy safeguarding lead did say that school were not concerned about the children at all but wanted to support me. I had to sit in the deputy head’s office with her while she looked at me nicely and said lovely things about my kids and I just cried. God I am so mortified

Why so worried about social services though? They aren't going to take your children away. I don't think you'd even be on their radar but if they were involved they might be able to offer support.

saying, ‘Daddy’s been so busy with work he hasn’t had chance to wash them all yet’

Oh that is a funny thing.
Here let me show you how to put things in the washing machine maybe you can ask daddy if you can help him next time at his house? You can show daddy how clever you are and how you can put your own hoodie in the machine

Please don't be mortified re frame it as relief that it is out there, the teachers will be totally professional after the Easter break they will treat you the same.you did nothing wrong you are not "weak" and you didn't fail anybody.

I’ve been told their ‘support’ is more a way of gathering evidence against people. I know it will sound ridiculous and paranoid to others and the simple thing is ‘just go to the police’. No suggestion that starts with ‘just’ is ever simple in my book but, also, he works with lots of agencies including social services. He knows these systems and these people. He’s literally a pillar of the community

OP, I think it's worth trying to rethink your attitude to the involvement of social services. They will not be judgemental, they will be supportive. And I think you need all the support you can get. I hope someone who works in social services can come on here and reassure you about what would happen if they did get involved.

Not only are you not being unreasonable but you also are not doing the right thing. You need to IMMEDIATELY disclose all abuse to the police. Everything. Every single thing you can remember. Get the report then take that to your solicitor. You were very foolish not to declare this when he went to court to prevent you from moving. NEVER meet him alone no matter where the public place. You have absolutely no need to do so. All contact through a parent app. You need to start documenting everything from here on in as well. Good luck

You've been misinformed I think. 'Gathering evidence" to what end. Your ex is just trying to scare you and it's working, don't give him the power.

You feel exposed and I can completely understand that. Over the years I’ve had to tell the school different things and I’ve hated every bit of it. I do feel it changed when the kids go to secondary though. Yes if the children disclose any worries to pastoral then the Pandora’s box will reopen, but this spotlight is very much a primary school thing and that’s not forever.

Your ex sounds like a nasty, fucking twat though and I’m sorry you’re dealing with all of it.

I cannot fathom why you are worried about the school knowing and not about your highly abusive ex preventing you from getting a job. You really need to get your priorities sorted