To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

Even as a pillock of the community - he can’t manufacture problems.

God I want to put these vile men on an island somewhere.

My ex tried this with me, I wanted to move 2 hours away from him to be closer to my family for extra support. I ended up taking him to Court (with the help of Legal Aid) and the Judge ruled in my favour stating that I had a right to move somewhere that would offer us a better standard of living. I wasn't taking our child away out of spite, I wanted to be able to improve our lives by taking us somewhere with more opportunities. The court and CAFCAS officer saw straight through his control and manipulation. Get some legal advice and get away from him. Also, there are messaging apps you can use that are specifically for this kind of thing, you should never put yourself in a situation where you are alone with him if you don't feel safe x

Explaining the context within which children are living isn’t over sharing ..it’s safeguarding.
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OP all my female relatives are teachers …the smiles are meant to offer you unspoken support and community. All is well…you were right to share what you are going through.

Really sorry about the lovely job 🌸🌸🌷🌸

So glad to hear you have supportive friends around you who know at least some of what you are going through.
I was in your childrens position and my mum in yours.
They will admire, appreciate and respect your behaviour in this matter but i can tell you as they grow up and mature they will start to make their own minds up about everything. The example you gave of the school hoodie will be seen differently by a 16-18 yr old than a young child. One day your kids will ask you for the truth,i did when i was 15 yrs old. My mum said she would answer any question honestly when i was 18 yrs old and she did,by then it wasnt necessary because i had fathomed it out for myself.

This is exactly what I’ve always thought. Hand on heart, I don’t believe for a second that he is abusing the children. If I did, they would absolutely not be having any unsupervised contact with him. End of.

I just felt really embarrassed that I’d over shared with lovely staff who really do have enough to do without adding me to the mix.

The overwhelming majority of people have said that I am not unreasonable to feel that way. The deal I’ve made with myself is - if he makes one one wrong move from hereon in, I’ll report him.

Sometimes I think the voting is confusing. People think you weren’t unreasonable to share, so they vote YANBU. Rather than they agree you should regret sharing. Look at the comments you’ve received, not the count.

I didn’t know there was actually a vote, I’ve only read the comments 🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈

Not that feeling embarrassed is unreasonable. If that’s how you feel, that’s how you feel. Just, give yourself a break 💐

Oh haha in that case I must be mistaken as I’ve read lots of people telling you not to worry about it :)

I meant that lots of people have said it’s ok to feel embarrassed but not to worry about it.

The support she advice has been amazing. Not what I expected at all.

I don’t feel like a burden to school at all, I now think they’re genuinely nice people who love my little family and want to help us.

Every grain of shame or embarrassment belongs to him, not you. It’s difficult to avoid as we’ve been conditioned to carry this weight for so long. But it is his behaviour and his shame.
I hope one day you can look back with pride that you withstood so much while managing to be, what sounds like, a fabulous mother.
xXx

I’m glad that the thread has been supportive and even more glad that you know the school staff love you all and want to help!

I haven’t rtft so I’m sure it’s been said, but the shame is your ex’s, and every time you start feeling ashamed that you were in an abusive relationship, think about the shame he should be feeling for behaving so despicably. Domestic abuse sadly occurs across all social classes, across nationalities and ages. And it is largely perpetrated by men. I’d bet my house that if I told you I was in a similar situation you’d be the first to tell me I had nothing to be ashamed of. You are amazing to have separated yourself from that.

The over sharing at school at the fact your children could be on cpoms is the least of your worries. How is letting your ex still control and abuse you to the point you've lost out on a better job and financial security in the children's best interests? You've got to deal with him calling the shots and painting you however he seems fit to at the time until your kids are 18. You've got nothing to lose by letting people find out how he actually is ,then you'll be able to live your life free and in peace

I just feel like my children are on their radar.

On the radar as a mother who's been trying to better herself and build the best life for her children. Even though you have been somewhat thwarted all the stuff that went into that is still there and positively impacting your children.

Op I think your ex has done a number on you. Making you thinking social services will be involved and children removed if you even breathe about his abuse.

You have to prioritise your safety. You keeping his secrets that he abuses you feeds into his game. You don't have to shout it from the roof tops but you can make moves to protect yourself.

I’ve got absolutely incredible friends who literally keep me going. I don’t live near family (neither do most of them) so we’re our own village. However, they all have their own difficulties to face (financial, work, relationships) and, although I do share aspects of ‘my ex’s behaviour’ with them, I feel it would be a huge burden to tell one of them absolutely everything and it could also damage the relationships.

Ive never, ever posted anything like this on a forum before, it was actually the friend who knows the most who suggested it but it’s been really helpful and given me a lot of food for thought

Pillock of the community
I love that.
I've known a few.

Your post makes me sad op. The teachers have heard it before, and worse and it’s not you they are judging.

You are carrying so much self protection and deflection. Your amazing friends should know the truth. It’s not a burden it’s trust. The threat of how SS operates is being used strategically by your ex with little regard to reality. It’s great you recognise the control but I think you still have plenty of work to do to be free. It starts with some messy and painful firsts - the school disclosure is one of them.

That is very very good to hear.

Not putting any pressure on you to do this at all, but do think about whether it is worth reporting the historical stuff if you feel strong enough to do so - not so that anyone takes any action now necessarily, but so that it is on record.

That way, if you get another job offer and want to move in the future, do something else with the children that he disapproves of, or simply put formal custody arrangements in place, you will have the historical evidence of reporting to use in court.

If the police do support you to do that, they may make a referral into children's services, but it will only be because of procedure. Most likely they would speak to the school who will report no concerns with the children and the contact will close. They may decide to do an assessment depending on the detail of the abuse, but that is unlikely given that you do not live together and there are no current concerns.

They may also refer to Early Help, but that would be to offer you domestic abuse support.

Based on what you have described here, they will absolutely not seek to implement statutory services (child in need plan, child protection plan or taking children into care) as you come nowhere near meeting the criteria.

What would you say the process is? What should I do next?

I honestly don’t feel now is the best time to share with my friends - one is applying for jobs and her husband has just been made redundant, one is waiting for heart surgery for her (fairly recently adopted) son, one has a child hugely struggling with school and a useless (though not abusive) husband. Honestly, couldn’t be worse timing

You won’t be ‘reporting him’. You will be protecting you and your children. Seeking help around domestic abuse isn’t to punish the perpetrator. It’s to safeguard the victims.

Could not disagree more

Sorry to be slow, I was at work. I meant slowly building up to sharing for instance disclosing to your GP (if you feel comfortable). Start sharing so that if there was another court case you have started to build evidence. I hope people have made you realise this isn't your shame to carry and he has far more to lose "pillar of the society" god he sounds horrendous.

Op, I'm a teacher.
I know you think it was a moment of weakness to divulge all to the school but it was actually a moment of strength and it will benefit both you and your kids in the long run.
You might hate and be embarrassed by the sympathy and kindness you have been receiving from the staff but I guarantee, they are in awe of you.
As much as you find the special treatment awkward, you won't be the only parent they are supporting, I promise.
Is there any part of you that is gleeful at the notion of the teachers knowing what a vile human being he is?
You've actually done your children a huge service in letting the school know. They won't be hard on them for uniform for a start.
On another note, please use zoom for discussions with him. There is no need for you to meet him in person in this day and age.

I was actually really surprised by what the deputy safeguarding lead said.

I’d managed to avoid the head (who knew) and the teacher I’d told wasn’t around that morning so I’d swerved the two people who I thought were the only people who knew.

I was just about to walk down the final corridor to exit the building when she casually asked, ‘how did you get on in court yesterday?’ I was caught off guard and didn’t know what to say other than to ask how she knew and then it was one of those really awkward moments where I was trying really really really hard not to cry and she started speaking then stopped as someone walked past then started again and stopped when someone walked past. It’s a bloody busy corridor!!!

Anyway, she took me into an office and said, “I’ve had an inkling for a while. A few months back I saw you together in the yard and I thought, ‘she’s frightened of him’” and there’s me, thinking I’d hidden it so well! She knew he was controlling just from looking at him. I’d never really thought of zoom to be honest which is mad really as I use teams at work etc. I’d just found a pub opposite a cop shop and gone for it. Mind you, I think this started before zoom was invented. God, that in itself is depressing!