To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

he has told me on multiple occasions that social services will get involved. And they’ll take the kids off me.

OP, I used to get told this all the time. Once I plucked up my courage to mention it to my health visitor. She was really horrified that I'd believed him and said that it absolutely wouldn't happen except in very extreme circumstances, e.g. if I was a drug addict.

I feel for you. A different situation but I went through a very rough time on multiple levels and shared more with work colleagues than I now think was wise. I regret it, but also accept (partly through therapy) that I was at a very low ebb, very emotional, and was seeking support - a very human thing to do. Your situation with your ex (not least putting on a brave face for the children) puts you under huge pressure and the strongest amongst us will crack at times. Reaching out for support is not weakness but strength, and if anyone at the school judges you for that it says more about them than you. Sending you warmest wishes for an improvement in your situation.

Because I honestly don’t think this is what is best for my CHILDREN. When they’re older, they can know things and I can cut all ties with him and what they do is up to them and that’s fine, but right now, if my son is struggling with finding maths boring and switching off in school, me and his dad need to sit down and talk about what we can do about it to support him. This is when my feelings about my ex go to one side because my son is the priority.

My children and their needs will always come first and I won’t apologise for that. Communicating with their dad through an app might get the saxophone to school on the right day but I believe my children need more than their basic needs meeting. He is the WORST ex husband but that doesn’t make him a bad father to his children and they deserve two parents who can put their own needs to one side for the sake of them and their wellbeing and happienss. That’s being a good parent in my book.

I was going post exactly this. And @Itsfinallyspring you sound like a wonderful and emotionally intelligent mum to your children.

As someone who grew up with abuse I can guarantee you that you are not doing what is best for you or your children whatsoever. The children can see their Dad. Doesn’t mean you have to. And if you are not going to report the abuse he did and not do anything at all about it including letting him dictate where you live, then the abuse simply continues but in another format. It is still control. Would you advise your daughter to simply shut up and get on with it ‘for the sake of the kids’. We do not live in those times. It is also very telling that you say ‘the kids and their dad’ come first.

This is absolutely not true - I work in children's services - not a social worker, but in a position that I see the whole system and a lot of children and families circumstances and have worked across a number of different LAs.

Children's services want to help families if they can - they want to do everything they can to prevent children from being put on a child protection plan or being taken into care - no matter what scare stories you have heard, they do not sit there gathering evidence against families who need help waiting for the ideal moment to pounce and remove your children.

You have done the right thing by telling the school. They can support you and as others have said, keep an eye on the children to see if they are showing any kind of reactions or change in behaviour.

Children do pick up more than you think and from what your son has said in response to the uniform, it sounds like while you may be being very careful about not saying negative things about his father, there is some manipulation going on from his end - that is such as weird thing to a child to say off their own bat - that is something that has been said to him and he is repeating.

It is highly unlikely you would meet thresholds for any services at the moment - possibly some early help or domestic abuse support depending on what your LA offers. It may be worth proactively contacting them to see if they have any support groups.

If your ex works with these agencies, he will full well know that children's services will not gather evidence or take children from you in your circumstances. He will also be fully aware that it is him that will be watched carefully should children's services be aware of the family - which is exactly why he has fed you that rubbish - it is to protect himself and his own reputation and to use as a way of controlling you further!

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about - keep talking to the school and get that support.

I don’t mean to be pedantic but I didn’t say that, I said “My children and their needs will always come first”. Their needs, not their dad. I see him alone (without the kids) perhaps twice a year, so it really is only when absolutely necessary. To me, our son (who had always previously loved school, thrived and made excellent progress academically) switching off from school was a big deal. I tried to initially contact school myself, etc etc but it got to a point where we were both needed. And that needed to be a sit down discussion with pen and paper to make a plan to support our son. Because, fundamentally, we both love him and sometimes, he needs us both. It was in public and was fine. And I realise it might not always be but I do my best to safeguard myself as and when necessary to ensure my children get what they need.

Op I honestly think you have done the right thing for your DC and for you. I hope at some point you will realise that unburdening yourself may have helped.

He switched off from school likely due to the abuse. Hey, you do you. If you are more worried about what people (the school) think rather than taking control of your own life and that of your children, then fair enough.

I am already rather concerned about the fact your kids are seeing him through a sympathetic filter if you ask where their hoodie is. What would make them act like daddy is not at fault and struggling with time pressures for example? Most kids would just agree that the item of clothing was at their father’s house, they wouldn’t start making allowances for why and defending the parent - that’s a learned behaviour.

If he is as horrific as you’ve made him sound on here there is no way that is just saved for you. Your kids are an extension of you and an excellent avenue to control and hurt you, he will absolutely be manipulating your kids and I don’t think for one minute he is an excellent father. My assumption is there will be a drip drip of poison into their heads about you and finances and over time you will be painted as the villain.

Thank you, this is so kind and helpful x

You have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed over. Teaching staff have to deal with all types of situations. The school are being supportive towards you and your children. I think that you are so used to hiding the abuse your ex dishes out towards you, to protect your children, that it's become second nature. No one would think anything less of you.

Like a lot of others here have said, you have nothing to be ashamed of and I would reiterate that the school being involved is a good support for you and your children. I am concerned about several of your replies, which show just how manipulative your ex has been. Social services do not just turn up and take away your children. You spread said that his lawyer implied you were making things up. Well, he scares you into not telling anyone and this you have no evidence and little support. As another poster said, this is really not helping your kids in the long run. A happy, healthy mum would help them a lot. You are still shrinking yourself down, thinking you should disappear to make things easier for the children but it really is only helping your ex. Please look at other services and support available to you in your area. You say friends/GP know bits but nobody knows everything. I really hope you work on your confidence to share everything with people around you who can support you.

No, you haven't let them down. CPOMs is just a central recording place so that information can be shared but it's only visible to DSLs to the point where, once you have recorded something, you can't even go back and see what you have recorded yourself!

It feels scary to know that there is a record like this but teachers use CPOMs to record when a child is wearing trainers because their school shoes have been left at grandma's house so that no one from SLT pulls them up on it! As well as for more serious stuff. It's not scary.

Schools know that parents splitting up has an adverse effect on children so it gets recorded so that everyone who needs to know is aware but information is shared on a strictly need to know basis and any judgement in your situation would be reserved for him. You'd be regarded very positively.

Dear OP, you sound like a lovely kind and intelligent person but as others have said, you need to tell people of how your ex treats you - he is continuing the abuse and controlling you. The shame is on him and you must tell people.

Your post makes me sad and brings back lots of emotions for me - you say “ He is the WORST ex husband but that doesn’t make him a bad father to his children …” it literally does make him a bad father because good fathers don’t treat their children’s mothers badly.

I say this from horrendous experience - if he is capable of abusing and controlling you, he will do the same to your children AND continue to do it to you. Everyone will believe you, school will help you (and will be dealing with worse abuse!). Sending you love and strength. Xx

I understand the way your feel but feel you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed here.
I hope you have some support around you IRL .
You seem to really fear the judgement of others ,fear of being judged can stem from low self esteem ,im not saying this applies to you necessarily but it wouldnt be suprising after the abuse you have suffered.
Hoping the school staff are professional and will have a depth of understanding of how you might feel and i think it helpful they know something of the difficulties you may face.
You sound like an amazing mum .
Your children will grow up and he will lose his grip on you.
Good luck.

Apologies, I interpreted the wording of the Op that you had a restriction order put in place by the court as a court order, and that you might have had to tell the school about this, but I don’t think it matters and I wouldn’t call it “over sharing” - just that you told your DCs teacher something that was going on.

Op I had to bring my divorce/ custody arrangement papers to the school for some reason I can no longer recall. I accidently left the whole divorce packet there…all the financials everything! I knew they were misplaced but had no idea where they were and I keep a very organized home. This shows the amount of stress my ex was causing. Eventually I received a packet from the school in the mail with a note…thank you for providing the information we needed here is your divorce decree. OMG I was so embarrassed and I still cringe thinking about it.

You mentioned he was "the pillar of the community " i wonder if you are still protecting his reputation out of some misguided loyalty , you don't have to do that.

My friends really are incredible. None of them knows everything but each knows enough to be here for me in their own different ways.

And the school staff have been amazing. All the comments above have made me think about the past few days in a different light. They have given me their time, love and patience. They all genuinely care for my kids and I think for me too.

With kindness (and I get it, I really do) I am now going to shout at you. Brace yourself…

DONT YOU DARE TAKE HIS SHAME ON BOARD.

It’s him that should be avoiding eye contact and reaching out on forums. I’m in a not dissimilar situation and I’ve had to share more with the school. My ex shares his narrative with them very freely.

You are doing a great job and the fact that the school know more is good. They can support you. I hope that they do.

Hold your head up high. You are being a fantastic mum in exceptionally difficult circumstances. You are awesome. I can’t bring myself to be anywhere near my ex and only communicate through an app.

Oh good god no, that was definitely said sarcastically, I don’t give a fuck what anyone else thinks of him

They all genuinely care for my kids and I think for me too.

They really do

Oh ok there is your spark 😂

Social services have got WAY better things to do than even look at your family. Honestly. I am desperate for them to assess and support but I’m doing too good a job of safeguarding so they have little to offer. They don’t want extra unnecessary work. Honestly.