To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

I disagree. The OP has absolutely nothing to be ashamed about anyway, but school will be well aware that behind the 30 faces in front of them are 30 families many of them going through all sorts of challenges and traumas at one time or another. Sometimes a listening ear at the school gate is just what we need, I've openly sobbed on a poor teacher more than once- we are all humans!

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of, and keeping his secret is another way he continues to exert control over you. I can understand why you don't want to report the abuse, and I don't want to tell you what to do, because that's not helpful. But have a careful think about whether you can take slow steps to reporting. He may be fine with his children now, but these patterns of behaviour are deep rooted and may come out once your children start to push against boundaries. I'm so sorry you are facing such a horrendous time.

At least if anything happens in future the school are witness to what you told them now.

It's not you that should be embarrassed or ashamed it's your DH!

I'm a very experienced teacher and have had lots of parents confide things in me over the years.

I'd just like to reassure you if I can. In all the schools I've worked in, this wouldn't be 'gossip', I'd only ever discuss it with the DSL if I thought that was necessary. I wouldn't pity you, I'd have even more respect for how well you were raising your kids with all this stuff going on. We're human beings, we have our own shit going on behind the scenes believe me, we're not about to judge you because your life isn't all kittens and roses.

It can be extremely helpful to have a better understanding of the dynamic between the parents when dealing with children, so you've absolutely done the right thing in telling his class teacher.

Finally, from my point of view, I want to support the families I work with. I don't mean in a huge, social services type way, that's not always needed. I just mean if I can do some small thing to make your life easier I'll do that. I'm on your side.

I have also been the teacher who listened to a very, very similar disclosure when the child was in Reception.

I had the upmost respect for that mother. She was a fantastic mum who did everything in her power to protect her dd and herself from her ex. He was very similar to your ex @Itsfinallyspring. Presented himself as Dad of the Year material. I was involved with the family all the way through the primary school. There were many, many court dates etc in that time.

I then bumped into the mum and dd when the dd was late teens. Mum had remarried. The DD was doing really well at college. She had chosen to have minimal contact with her dad after he had moved away with his new wife and dc. She seems very happy, balanced and mature. I was thrilled for them both.

Yes this, if he escalated anything then the school are aware of him, he isn't a good man or a decent father he only acts decent when things are going his way, but in no way is he a good father.

No shame for you.
If you confident dc are happy to see him and be with hm and no abuse directed to them then looks like is best.
If that changes in future as they get older and answer back...) then what you share is important.

I just want to say that I'm sorry for what you are going through, and I hope things improve for you in the future.

Also, without wishing to overstep, I think you should consider letting people know what is happening, create a paper trail. You haven't done anything wrong, but you might need back up from others (eg. GP, school, people you know, police?) in the future. It may be easier to get that if they have a full knowledge of what you are going through. I hope this doesn't make you feel pressurised.

I’ve not read the thread just the op but just wanted to send you the biggest hug. You’ve shared something so deeply personal, no wonder you feel so exposed. In my opinion this will hopefully lead to some support for you. I’m so very sorry for what he’s done and is doing to you

It’s good that the school knows. You’re just feeling raw and exposed because you’ve obviously had to keep a lid on so much. I hope the other job were understanding of your situation? I hope you take great pride in having got a job and having the balls to try and change things. I’m sorry the courts couldn’t see a way of changing up the days he has them to accommodate this change?

Time goes very quickly and before you know it, there won’t be such a necessity for school runs and all the other stuff the Dad (and you) are involved in. I admire your resilience but I would not worry at all about having confided in professionals who have a duty of care over your children when they’re in school. I’m sure it will be helpful to have a perspective on the real family dynamic when he rocks up to Parents Evening in his ‘father of the year’ role.

Take a deep breath - you’ve done nothing wrong - you just feel as if you have because he has battered your self-esteem and put the brakes on what could have been a fresh start. Best of luck with the future.

It sounds like she was possibly legally obliged to tell them about the court order so she gave them the context. I can imagine what they would have thought had she not explained the background and it certainly wouldn’t be better than what she told them.

Vulnerability is scary OP, that's all that's happening. Well done for speaking to someone.

Your ex is the one who should be feeling shame, not you.
You are clearly one of life’s copers, which is a strength in most regards.

I am concerned though, that you seem to have very little in the way of support. Might there be a woman’s group in your area, or similar, so that you have people in real life to talk to about these things?

It’s a lot to carry by yourself

You should have told the judge that his lawyer was the OW, that's a massive conflict of interest!

Dont feel bad OP. I was you 8 years ago, but the school didn't side with me. They sided with my charming and wealthy ex. I was the bad guy despite everything he did. I could tell they didn't believe me. I still had to be involved with the school knowing that they thought the sun shone out of his arse and I was making stuff up. It was so awful.

So the fact they are supportive and kind - I would take that and be extremely grateful for it. Sometimes oversharing ends up being the best thing you could ever do!

This is exactly the sort of thing you SHOULD be telling the school. They are there to support you and your child and can be valuable allies. If you are going through family court then having an open and honest relationship with the school counts in your favour as it shows you are doing everything possible to ensure your child’s welfare.

I went through a difficult situation with my ex which included police, social services and safeguarding involvement. My daughter’s school were fantastic: they sorted play therapy for her and helped me out with things like food vouchers, holiday clubs etc. People can’t help you if they don’t know what you’re going through. You’d be amazed if you knew how many others were going through similar things behind closed doors.

These people are professionals, it isn’t oversharing to make them aware of difficult circumstances for your family. Please don’t think you have done anything wrong.

There isn’t a court order in place, prior to this we had never, ever been to court. I have always put the needs of the children first and so I have talked with my ex (in public) and we’ve come to agreements about when the children are with me and when they are with him. These have adapted over the years to meet the needs of the children but they have always been at the centre of it.

The only reason I mentioned to the teacher that we were going to court was because there was a performance at school and it would have been my son’s final performance before he left so would have been bittersweet. And then the oversharing all just tumbled out

It would only be a conflict of interest if she was the OP’s solicitor. As his solicitor she is literally there to represent HIS interests!

I'm a single mum and I feel a bit embarrassed after disclosing a little bit of how I’m feeling. It’s because I’m usually bottling my feelings up and being everybody else’s support so saying something so personal feels a little weak when it’s not.

All the time I was with my ex, and even post-separation, I hid his abusive behaviour - partly because he told me no one would believe me - but yes, also because I felt it was my job to cope with it without bothering other people. And I worried about the children knowing if it was spoken about. And even though it was bad, I thought it wasn't 'bad enough'. Even with the few people I did talk to (including my GP), I minimised it massively. Now, many years later, I wish I had been able to tell people what was going on - including my kids' school. I don't feel I've been able to move past it properly.

OP, I think you are brave to have talked to the school. These things need to be brought into the light, not hidden away. You have done nothing to be ashamed of, and the more we name the abuse, the less power it has over us and our children.

My friends are incredible. Each of them knows small parts so they all support with that little part. Like lots of little jigsaw pieces that all come together to help me, but no one person knows everything if this makes sense? (Well, school does now).

I know you might be embarrassed by it all coming out because you fragmented information to protect yourself, but the school knowing everything can only be a good thing,

What you experienced even has a name in psychology - it’s called a ‘vulnerability hangover’ it’s a physiological state where once repressed emotions are released. Avoiding and hiding emotions is a response to trauma - we feel the need to keep ourselves safe when under threat or in the presence of danger - freeze, flight, flop, fawn are all trauma reactions none of which would involve opening up - you live constantly in a hyper vigilant state which is exhausting for you - so when you release some information it’s actually scary - not surprised you only give out separate fragments to safe friends - that’s how terrorised you feel. The body keeps the score so doing the download will be unfamiliar to your mind and body so you will second guess yourself and be flooded with cortisol and adrenaline as anger and shame rinse through you.

But everyone is right - you should speak out - get used to it - it will
protect your DCs at school and you mentally and physically - as someone might notice something insignificant that saves your life one day. Keep talking to process it out of your body so you can release and provide more emotional capacity for your and your DCs as you can’t be in 2 emotional places at once. I understand you need to be on your toes re your X for the present and the future and that’s more than enough of a mental load - but the past stuff doesn't need to be carried by you - it needs processing and releasing. We all need to be educated as to how cruel and violent some men can be so that we can support their wives and children better by having a clearer idea of their capacity for evil.

Really? Surely you can't have your bit of fluff representent you in court?

Fair enough

I’m so sorry you’ve experienced this and I don’t think you should be embarrassed. Abuse thrives in silence and even though it’s not comfortable, being able to share this enormous burden been carrying and hiding for so long could be a good thing longer term.

I’m in a position where my ex was not as abusive as yours but boy did he make life challenging for so long. It feels endless especially when the kids are young, and I know at the time someone saying this wouldn’t have helped but it does pass eventually, he won’t have control like this forever. The children will grow up, your financial situation will change - maybe not this time but another time. I know that is of little help when you are in the thick of it but hold onto it. When it got so hard for me I kept reminding myself that - one day I’ll be free of this and he won’t be able to do this anymore.