To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

Make sure you get the extra maintenance he offered in court and keep at it in terms of living your best life. That's your best revenge.

It's not surprising she already had suspicions. Teachers generally know these things. It's in the detail; the way the kids talk about each parent, the way the parents interact with each other and also, the way they interact with the teacher. Domineering / abusive dads are always pretty obvious. They give themselves away while generally being fairly smarmy.

That’s the weird thing, he’s not like that at all. He’s quiet and socially quite awkward!

I am glad they were supportive. The vast majority of women understand how easy it is to end up in these situations. If you can be open with them you reduce his power over you. It's his shame not yours.

I've had dads like that too. You can still sense it. I had one super-nerdy dad that I knew was a terrible person to live with based on the questions he asked and the mum's nervousness around him. I can't explain it exactly, you just know.

I used to work in schools and have lost count of how many times parents have trauma dumped on me.

I always feel privileged that they feel safe enough to let it all out in front of me and hope that getting it off their chest has helped in some way.

They would have heard much worse and definitely will not be judging you.

They're professionals; they've heard WAY worse. I've had to interact politely with parents who I knew neglected their children, emotionally abused them, beat them with shoes. There's nothing to be embarrassed about.
Frankly it's good for your children's teachers to have a good understanding of home dynamics, just in case it ever does start to affect them.

Teachers observe what's happening that concerns the children. I once had my eye on a very 'lovey dovey' couple who always held hands in the playground at pick up time. I knew something was wrong and shortly afterwards we helped the mum take the children out of school in the day time and flee to her mum's.

The school will have your children's best interests at heart.

OP - you’re really brave, so feel no shame. You have done nothing to warrant any shame!!

You haven’t said what he has done (nor should you), but abusers behaviour often escalates. When they don’t think they are controlling things the way they like or getting the reaction they want, they often up their behaviour and it becomes worse. That could be in the form of his behaviour with you, or as your kids get older, them. It may be subtle, but it will likely be there. Little kids notice things and can be manipulated, older kids become more difficult to manipulate and his colours will show. Not now, but eventually.

As such, you must report his behaviour so there is a record of it. You’ve lost a job that could change your future, don’t let his behaviour be the reason for the next thing you lose out on so he can continue to control.

Good luck, remember no shame!

It’s usually when he feels threatened / like he can’t cope / like he doesn’t have control. I am
not remotely condoning his behaviours, I’m just highlighting his state of mind when he is abusive. As soon as he feels he cannot cope, he goes straight to fight mode rather than flight mode. I’ve learned over the past ten years (there were no signs at all before) to look for the triggers and, during these times, I go very very low contact. So, if my daughter needs a specific jumper for an event at school which is at his house, I borrow one from a friend rather than ask him for it. Simple little things which mean we do not need to communicate until he’s back on an even keel. Very occasionally, I don’t read the signs well enough / early enough and that’s when he’s been abusive. So it’s very much up and down rather than a positive correlation graph if that makes sense?

Primary teacher and DSL here, please try not to feel this way. We care about our families as much as we do our children and just want to support as best we can. You’d be surprised how many families come to us and for so many different reasons. Your children’s school will have information and access to external support for you too. No one is judging you or pitying you, they want to help because they care.

You have nothing to feel ashamed about but I can empathise with the feeling of vulnerability for having shared. Obviously my situation is completely different to yours but I've not long shared my terminal illness diagnosis with my children's school. I am generally quite a private person and dislike a fuss and never been involved at this sort of level. My reasoning being that I want school to be that safe place where they are supported whilst the shit hits the fan at home. I want them to be able to share what's on their mind and have staff support them as and when they need it with whatever interventions they need. I also live in a small village where a lot of the staff also live so needed it to be out there as early as possible. Honestly though school aren't out there to catch you out and make life harder but them having an understanding helps. My daughter mentioned something in class the other week and her teacher was taken a back and didn't know how to respond in the correct way. She went away and researched, they've since found a charity that is going to give them a seminar on the next teacher training day about parental loss. Whilst it's been awkward for me sharing, school will now be better supported for not only my children but any others with similar circumstances.

I was absolutely shocked by our school, when I disclosed abuse and their response was ‘how do we know you’re not just saying that to alienate him?’ — have kept v quiet since.

OP, I'm a Designated Safeguarding Lead in a school in quite an affluent area, probably pretty similar to your DC's school based on your description. I promise you, no one at school is judging. Truly.

I wouldn't say I "pity" the parents I work with who have experienced/are experiencing abuse. I feel for them, of course, and when I hear stories like yours sometimes I feel angry on their behalf because it's just so fucking unfair. But I know that the abuse they have experienced doesn't define them. Anyone who has worked in a safeguarding role with children and families knows that Domestic Abuse that continues post-seperation, and coercive control specifically, is so, so common. We also know that any woman, however capable, strong and intelligent they are, can find themselves in an abusive relationship or subject to abuse from an ex partner. I've also supported colleagues in school who have experienced this so none of us are immune. Not to minimise what you've experienced in any way whatsoever, but for a school safeguarding lead these kinds of situations are par for the course. We have heard much, much worse, believe me.

As for thinking you're "stupid for not going to the Police", as DSL's we understand that there are many reasons why women don't feel able to report abuse and none of them are anything to do with intellect! Our work brings us into regular contact with the Police, Children's Services and the Family Courts and we know that although there are some talented and dedicated individuals working within these agencies the system as a whole is deeply flawed. No one has the right to judge you for decisions you've made when trying to survive an incredibly difficult situation.

I actually don't think you've "over-shared" with your childs teacher at all. They are a key person in your childs life and the information you've shared with them is extremely pertinent. The more information a school has about a child's family situation the better placed they are to support that child.

So sorry your ex is a a*hole. If you see some of my other posts you will see I went through sone terrible stuff with an ex when my DC was little. I then shut down and kept everything inside until i had a huge breakdown in my 40s.

it’s done now, the school know, probably a good thing. So just don’t worry about it or feel ashamed as I would have felt.

the important bit now is finding you a better paid job where you live as you are not allowed to move. The ex then can’t financial control you anymore. Was it a different role than you currently do now or similar? Can you up your hours where you live or consider doing something else or a second job? I see the ex has the kids some nights so is it possible to do anything then?

I’m rooting for you btw….my ex stopped me doing all sorts for years and then when the court order removed him from our lives sadly I still felt like he was controlling my every move. I finished my studies and got a better job eventually. The damage he did to me is here always now since my breakdown, panic attacks and so on. So the sooner you get more control over your life the better future you will have x

I have been in your situation with 2 very small children. I had to speak to my daughters teacher when she must have been about 6 about some child being mean to her. Before I know it I had burst into tears and things had tumbled out my mouth! I still see the teacher now as she teaches in their secondary school (and lives just down the road).
What i would say respectfully is that your children know more than what you think! You dont need to say your afraid for a child to realise you are, they feel it. I would also think twice about what a good father he was. A good father doesnt scare and frighten the mother of his children, because he knows this has a negative knock on effect to the children! I think your totally kidding yourself in thinking they either dont know or wont work it out when they're a bit older.!
There's no way I would be meeting with him to discuss parenting issues, no way!.

Thank you for being the only poster who understands why I haven’t been to the police. I completely understand why people think I should. Before any of this happened to me (I never ever in a million years thought this would be my life), I’d have said exactly the same. But when you’re in the trenches, it’s not that easy.

I have a good job, which I am good at, well respected in and absolutely love. Unfortunately, due to the time restraints of school drop offs and pick ups etc, I’m limited to how much I can earn at the moment. (Wraparound care isn’t an option). However, realistically, that won’t be for too much longer. In just over 2 years, my eldest starts secondary school and that could be a game changer. In the scheme of things, it’s not that long.

The job I was offered was very highly paid and included a lot of (paid for) extremely expensive training (doctorate). Whilst it would have been great to put physical miles between myself and my ex, in reality I I would by actually be as happy in that job. It’s not a job I’ve ever wanted to do / looked into - I was just offered it by an ex colleague, was a little bit flattered and saw an exit route.

The children have a brilliant life here, I have a wonderful job, lovely home and brilliant friends so it really isn’t the end of the world. It’s really pinpointed the reason I wanted to get away rather than the job itself and that’s where I need to focus my energy rather than running away.

I’m sure they will work it out when they’re older and I will be there for them and completely honest with them as I always am and always have been. My children go to a trauma informed school and the (amazing) learning mentors have done work with him around this. He hasn’t given any inkling whatsoever that he is aware of anything but now that they know, I guess they’ll be more honed in on it. No matter what I do, he has to see his dad though

The thing is, he has the children 3 out of 7 nights a week. How did you propose that arrangement would continue with your move? I would expect such a big move to be discussed and agreed. My husband has two daughters from a previous marriage, moving 1.5 hours away is not something we would even consider doing. It would clearly impact the children negatively as they would see their father less, who, despite being controlling towards you, is a great dad and loves his children. I don’t personally consider the prohibitive steps order as controlling. It’s what any father or mother would do to ensure their relationship with their children remains. There would be no more taking them to clubs etc with a 3 hour round trip.
Instead of blaming him for the reason you are unable to financially better yourself, I would focus on how you could find a similar position in the area you currently live or as nearby as possible. Could you not have commuted to work? Would that not have been better for the children but still allowed you improve your financial situation? 1-1.5 hour commute is not uncommon for work. It feels that you’re happy to uproot the children, move them schools and away from their Dad but not willing to do that commute yourself. I appreciate there are details missing but based on what you’ve said this is how it feels to me.

Unfortunately, because of the nature of the job, it would only have been an option in 3 cities in the UK. This one, 1.5 hours away was the closest. Unfortunately, due to no wraparound care, commuting wouldn’t have worked. I would have been more than willing to commute. I did look into Childminders but none who drop off and pick up from my children’s school had any spaces.

On several occasions I tried to discuss the move. One of these occasions resulted in physical violence from him and he said, ‘I’ll see you in court’, which he proceeded to do.

If a better paid job was available in the limited hours I can work, believe me I would take it. I already work all 3 nights that he has them as well as 9:15-3pm 5 days a week while the children are at school. Not that it should be relevant but I am degree educated and this degree allows me to do the job I do, so this isn’t about me being lazy! It’s about having limited hours whereas he is able to work 8-6 two days a week, 9-6 two days and 8-3 the other.

I appreciate what you’re saying about finding a better paid job closer to home. I will continue to do so. Hopefully, once the children start secondary, more opportunities will be available.

Firstly you don't have anything to be ashamed of. Secondly your ex sounds like a monster. No one is going to take your children away from you. He said that to scare you. Just another mind game. I put up with loads of shite from my ex for years to "protect" my children. Actually I was frightened of him, I did want to protect them, but I choose inaction because it was easier and less scary than actually taking him on. He wasn't physical but controlling. As soon as they grew up I left him. I think blocking your chance of a new job is shoddy. You need a very good solicitor, but I'm guessing he shafted you financially. Write everything down if you haven't already and next time he steps out of line report him to the police. And then report him the next time and then the next time.

The shame belongs to him not you. I hope you feel able to disclose to more people. It's secrecy that hurts everyone including you.

Brené Brown talks beautifully about shame. About how it thrives on secrecy and silence, and how speaking about it can break that isolation. That’s a really powerful thing in the long run. I know you might feel embarrassed that you over-shared, but honestly, I think I’d admire you for having the strength to leave him and for trying to do the right thing for your children.

Just to share a bit of my own experience—my dad was abusive towards my mum and she tried to hide it as well. But, as I got older, I began to understand more about who he was, and eventually I started to have difficulties with him too. We all did. As soon as I was old enough to choose not to see him anymore, I stopped, and I haven’t seen him since, neither have my siblings. I often wish I’d been given that choice earlier.

No man who abuses their children's mother is a great dad.

If you use Zoom you can record the conversations or whilst on it record on your phone as evidence of his abusive behaviour. Build a picture to be able to present to police/ solicitor or whoever.As a teacher having dealt with all sorts of situations, I can assure you the school are not judging you in a harsh way, they are probably impressed with how you are managing.