To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

I'm a pinch of salt person when reading some posts on MN but I actually feel really pissed off on your behalf..

You had a chance to take a new job and in doing so better your finances for yourself and DC yet your ex gets to shut this down.
Now, I understand that he may genuinely miss his DC not being local, but reading your post makes me think it's not wholly for that reason.

But...on your point of feeling ashamed for oversharing don't, there's nothing to be ashamed for. If it were me being one thats had the information disclosed to I wouldn't think to much of it...my opinion would be you're a mother that's trying her best to bring up DC while navigating being pretty much held to ransom by, what sounds like an awful ex husband.

Don't read to much into it, as hard as it is don't let your ex knock you down.

OP you are dealing with a lot and I think it's normal in your circumstances to need emotional support. I'm sure safeguarding have heard far worse. Try to put it behind you and move on.

Why is this? Did you have a bad experience personally?

I work in a school and we hear stories like this all the time.
I think it’s much better to let the school know so they can support your children.

We’ve had children display “difficult” behaviour and then weeks later it’s been discovered that the parents have split up.
It would have been much better if the school had been made aware at the time. Our school would offer extra nurture sessions.

I would contact women’s aid and try to get some kind of group therapy if possible. It can be extremely validating to realise how many other woman have had similar experiences - how abuse creeps up on you so you tolerate more than you ever would have thought and mostly how you’ve been conditioned to see it as your own fault. Or at least to see yourself as responsible for aspects of it that you absolutely are not.

Don’t feel ashamed. You should feel proud of leaving him and doing the best for your kids. The feeling that these people are “pitying” you is probably just a projection of the shame you feel. Try to let it go. They are probably just bothered about you, and that’s not pity.

There’s no doubt that he loves his children. But keeping me here is all about control. This is a man who wore his wedding suit in court and whose lawyer was one of the women he had an affair with. Indeed, he was with this particular woman while my daughter and I were on life support in hospital following a traumatic labour. Genuinely, I wish this stuff weren’t true!

Oh god nope I’d never tell them anything in the first place. Lots of places to seek advice and support, kids school is not one of them.

Not had a bad experience as I wouldn’t confide in them in the first place.

Yes I think it’s best to not mention too much to schools, I would never tell them anything private about my life so yanbu to regret it

In my experience, when parents feel like this it is because they are trying to hide something from the school or SS or don't necessarily recognise or understand the wider context or implications of a situation.

Schools and SS are bound by statutory processes and legal obligations that parents don't always understand.

Schools are too busy to carry out vendettas against families and it isn't in anyone's best interests.

OP, I would actually advise you keep talking to the school. The better informed they are, the better the support they can offer.

One school I work has gone above and beyond to support families in similar situations including arranging therapy for the children and a place for the mum to feel supported and talk. It's never held against them and this school isn't alone in doing that.

Never had social involved in my life but nice try 👍

You did nothing wrong there is no "shame" in sharing things with the school they are there to support your family and children's well being, the more you share the less "shame " you will feel.
I am so sorry about your move and job what he is doing to you is unforgiveable it is his shame not yours. Please don't hide away like a pp suggested you need as many people around you as possible, is there no jobs In your area that could help your financially? Also do you have to speak to him regarding the children I know you want to keep up appearances for them but can't you communicate over an App or maybe a mediator?

The only person who should feel shame here is your ex.

Take heart that the school are being kind to you. It shows they respect you as an adult and parent. It's not always the case.
Remember too that teachers are human too and they are not immune to having bad relationships themselves.

Of course it’s one of them, why would you say it wasn’t?

You’ve not even had a lived experience!

I didn't say you had. I was just explaining why many parents who hold that view feel like that.

It's your personal preference, of course, but what you have said is factually inaccurate. Schools are places to find support. And, where they can't provide it themselves, they can signpost to places that can.

It's irresponsible to advise on something you admit you know absolutely nothing about 👍🏻

@Itsfinallyspring firstly, well done for making sure that the school understood your position and no, you were not oversharing, you were being honest and that helps the school so much in ensuring your children get the best out of the school. Last week I did a safeguarding visit at a school where I am Chair, and although this is an area of high deprivation, no one on the staff judges the families, it is more of a, "There but for the grace of God, go I" situation. I am so sorry that your former partner has treated you so badly but do not beat yourself up for oversharing, because sometimes, just getting it out to a relative stranger is all it needs for your to decide on a course of action.

I went through similar and did not tell the school but I did tell womens aid. I would look
into some of their programmes to help yourself. I found them beneficial and some can be done online. It sounds like you have been triggered by his behaviour and the court process recently. Try not to let this deter you. You can still have a fresh start and move just not as far away. Keep planning. You can do this. My children are older and I plan to move once they finish school. There can always be a longer term plan. The most important part is you are no longer in a relationship with this man and your children are better off because of it, you made sure of that op.

you sound quite odd and paranoid

They are being extra nice because they like you, have learned a bit about what a great job you’re doing as a mum in very difficult circumstances and understand that you’ve been through a really hard time through no fault of your own. This is one of those occasions where ‘the shame should change sides.’ He should feel utterly disgusted with himself whereas you have absolutely nothing to feel ashamed of. The teachers’ kind reactions show you that. You feel a bit exposed as you’ve told them something painful that you hate to discuss which is totally understandable but in doing so you’ve helped them understand your family better.

You silence from social services and the school the police, about the father of your children’s behaviour. Is enabling him to continue it. You seem convinced that he is great with the children and that the control is limited to you. This may be the case now as they are younger. What happens when they are older and want independence? I do not understand why you don’t want to report him for this behaviour. Why are people so scared of SS they are there to support you. As are the School. One of the reasons that your ex has created this problem is that he has access to decent lawyers. But a decent lawyer can be defeated by a strong network of support from people that will help you fight your corner.

I'm sorry to hear what you've been through, and are still going through, thanks to your ex.

As a teacher, please rest assured that the school will only want to support you and your children. Nobody is going to judge you. There is nothing to 'judge' anyway. You wished to move to make a better life for yourself and your children, and he has been a total a about it. Believe me, the school will be dealing with so many other issues behind the scenes which you will not be aware of. Stories that would make your toes curl. They'll be dealing with issues which many bystanders would indeed judge for if they knew the details, but won't even judge those situations because they are professionals who only have the children's best interests at heart. Believe me, you absolutely won't be judged for this at all.

Definitely don't move the children. If you have to remain living where you are, they are much better off staying where they are happy and settled rather than moving them for no reason. I know you feel embarrassed, but it's actually better for the children if the school do know the full story. It's important to be honest with the school, to help them best support you as a family. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but it's actually a good thing for you that it's all come out. School pastoral teams can be an amazing source of support. They can be the sounding board you never even realised you needed. Lean on them, don't hide from them.

Because people/women/ mums who are traumatised are scared of intrusion in the only bit of privacy and control they have, this is why they are reluctant for ss to be involved, they feel judged and Shame and they panic about their kids being removed,most traumatised women are in survival mode.

@Itsfinallyspring HE should be ashamed- not you! 🩷

Any "shame" here attaches to your ex and not to you. Your children's school are just aware now that they need to be careful in their dealings with him and not always trust what he says, however nice he may appear.

If he put you in hospital then make sure you have a copy of those medical records.

Can you appeal that OP? Seriously I would try. I really feel for you. You shouldn’t be forced into a co parenting situation with your abuser and you shouldn't have to see him or deal with him. It’s awful how woman are expected to put up and shut up in these situations. Parallel parenting is more appropriate. This must be extremely traumatic for you.