To be ashamed of oversharing with children’s school?

[Itsfinallyspring]

Name changed for this as some details could be outing.

For the past seven years I have experienced post separation abuse (verbal, financial, physical, emotional) from my ex husband. It’s a power and control thing aimed solely at me. My children (DS9 and DD7) are safe when with him and know nothing of this and have never witnessed anything. I go out of my way to make sure I am upbeat and positive with him when the children are around and there is no atmosphere at all.

If I have to see him without the children (to discuss an issue with one of them for example), I do my utmost to make sure that this happens in a public place (think cheap chain pub, opposite a police station, lots of CCTV). Generally, this limits the abuse I experience and (although inwardly I’m terrified of him) everything ticks along nicely.

I’m on anti-anxiety medication and I’ve had LOTS of NHS therapy (no money for anything else as ex has trapped me financially but that’s another story).

However, I recently had a job offer which would have changed our financial situation enormously but would have meant a move to a different city 1.5 hours away. He took me to court and I now have a prohibited steps order against me meaning we can’t go. This has totally floored me. I’d put my heart, soul, future happiness, the works into the move and then it was shut down. I stupidly disclosed this to my child’s teacher who obviously had to share it with the safeguarding leads at their school. They’re very, very kind people and have all said they have absolutely no concerns for the children’s welfare but want to support me. I am absolutely mortified. I feel like everyone is now being extra nice to me and they all pity me and think I’m stupid for not going to the police. I want to brush it under the carpet and take back what I said but obviously I can’t. I am so ashamed and I wish I’d never said anything!

If anyone has experienced huge remorse after disclosing something, I’d appreciate your advice. It’s the holidays now for two weeks, which I think will help, but I’m dreading the children going back. Even considering moving them schools to avoid the shame.

If you’ve got this far, thank you. Sorry it was so long, didn’t want to drip feed.

No, she just asked did I want local support and I said was that typically what people want so she said yes and gave me a number. Then I said I could do with practical advice for how to co parent safely and she gave me a number for a child law service. At which point I felt stupid for not knowing what I wanted and left the chat

I’m just going to leave it now. I tried and it’s made me feel weaker and more useless than
before so better to hunker down and just keep going

Please do not give up. You are obviously a very strong person, managing to keep all this bottled up for so long, try to imagine what you could do with that strength if you were free of your horrible turd of an ex manipulating and gaslighting you. Phone the local number, tell them that you are not exactly sure of what help you need and let them ask you some questions. They will quickly understand where you are coming from and offer you the help and support you need. It is so worth it. I managed to get 10 free counselling sessions from a local charity a couple of years ago, it took me 9 sessions to admit that my first husband was violent. Turned out that was an automatic trigger for 6 extra sessions! All in all it was very helpful and gave me new insights into how things affect me etc. I have felt much more peaceful since and the effect is lasting.

I think maybe phoning your local service and see if you can get a face to face appointment, might be worthwhileat least you have the number now, don't give up it is tiny steps but don't give up, you can make small changes that don't seem like you are rocking the boat.

I’m in a very similar situation. I hid it for 17 years but have now started to tell people (including school mums) bits and pieces. I’m friends with one child’s teacher so have told her about a couple of incidents where he has been bullying me. It’s definitely time for shame to switch places. My ex swans around like he’s father of the year, is a high earner and good at convincing people he’s a completely different person.

I’m really sorry to hear about your job. I’m currently trying to rebuild my life too and I’m in a bad financial situation due to the abuse. So I sort of know how you must feel.

I have been in a similar position of being a very private person, who has had to "over share" with school, but for different reasons. Part of me hates that so many people know all of the daily struggles (had to tell each new teacher each year as well), however actually school have been incredibly helpful and supportive.
You have nothing at all to be ashamed of, you sound incredible. Your ex on the other hand should absolutely feel ashamed. Be happy in the knowledge that even secretly, those teachers will no longer fall for his 'performance' and be able to see right through him, every time he sets foot on the school grounds.
I'm so sorry that you are in this position, but it won't be forever. One day your children will be grown up and they will understand everything and can make their own judgements, and you will be free to live your life how you choose.

Update: thank you to each and every one of you for your comments and support. I am overwhelmed by, not only the numbers of kind people, but also that virtually everyone believed that sharing was a good thing. It gave me the confidence to seek support. Initially, that hasn’t gone too well as I have tried online chats and been told that I must meet for an assessment and then appropriate support can be put in place. I am not ready to share anything ‘in real life’ in front of anyone else yet but I’m going to keep re reading these comments and hopefully I will build up the confidence to do so one day.

Speak to your local domestic abuse service. I did recently and it was so validating. You don’t have to accept support but just telling my story to someone who knows this stuff was so helpful. Painful but helpful.