Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

Mathsdebator
Unless NT your childrena are 9 and 12. Old enough to sit at a table in the same room as you. You should have told her to sit down.

Even as an adult sitting at a table with strangers at a wedding can be awkward- I wouldn’t think it a big deal for kids to want to be with their mum. I think part of a reason people find weddings tough is all the etiquette rubbish- quick sit down, now move here, quick! Now shush everybody! It’s all so awkward!! Op it would probably have been easier if you’d dh hadn’t been nice enough to speak to them (yes I get that that is a conflicting statement!)

@Girrafffees87832 It was the bride and groom's wedding.
We don't know how closely related they are.

Not twats.

I've not to been to so many in recent years as my cousins/friendship group is "between" weddings: most of us have had ours, but our dc are still quite some way off.

I do remember a few dramas, but, even when I was getting married, there was more etiquette and less Bridezilla nonsense than I think there is now. I think it is the wedding industry that has muscled in and warped what should be a simple celebration of a coming together of two families and turned it into the massive financial investment that Must Not Go Wrong and Must Have Not a Hair or Fork Out of Place On Insta.

In my day, yes, there were some lovely weddings, but mostly the parents paid, and they paid what they could afford within reason, and cut their cloth so there was less of a snipping and pruning process when it came to the guest list. I feel as though now people start with what the venue/meal/dress/honeymoon etc etc that they want to post on SM and then fit the list to suit, rather than thinking whom do we invite and then what lovely thing can we manage for that list.

MN has put me right off ...

My Mother's favourite wedding was held in the bride's father's barn and was a barn dance with a spit roast and fresh bread. It was decorated with meadow flowers.

If I was you OP I'd reach out and apologise to bride and groom. They made a big amendment to add your two children, that's two additional meals and table arrangements, and then at the wedding your children were acting up enough to require one of the staff to have a word. Then you caused more interruption and switched seats.

Is the daughter who kept getting up your 9 year-old or your 12 yr-old? Why wasn't she happy to be with her sibling and keep coming up to you?

Do they even know though? I wasn't sure who was involved ...

feel as though now people start with what the venue/meal/dress/honeymoon etc etc that they want to post on SM and then fit the list to suit, rather than thinking whom do we invite and then what lovely thing can we manage for that list.

and I feel that’s how a wedding should be, if you are only planning the one.. and paying for it! Have the wedding you want rather than thinking “gosh what would Auntie Jackie’s sisters brother boy want to see at our wedding? They’re the important ones!”
no one says if you plan an anniversary or birthday party “this isn’t to be what you like or want, it’s to be what the guests want”!

This.

For those who say 17 yo old stepson shouldn't have been asked to swap seats - the OP is married to his Dad - it’s not unreasonable to assume the two boys (step-siblings) get on.

He didn’t want to so the OP sat with her 9 yo (!) DD - I think at that young an age it’s natural for her to miss her Mum at an occasion with lots of strangers, in a place that’s unfamiliar to her. Some posters here should try and find a bit of empathy for that little girl!

As the poster I quoted (as well as many others) suggested: you should have stayed home with your kids. Ignore any sarcastic comments from your sister-in-law. If she persists just tell her that you’re not interested in her opinion. Put your family first.

At Jewish weddings children generally sit separately, it’s just normal practice. I understand this isn’t what happened here however I reckon they had the seating plan fixed and added your DC on late so slotted them where they could. Do they know your DC well? I probably would have asked to swap with someone on their table.

I never knew. Not saying that children are deemed less important but your description of this custom brought this to my mind. >>

At my wedding I put all the children on one table. They all seemed to quite like it, plenty of fun stuff going on there as well.

I can’t image your children woukd have enjoyed the wedding. Probably would have enjoyed being with friends or other family much much more. Your husband was very wrong to ask for an invite for 2 more children. Weddings are so so expensive.

Sounds like you would have had a better time if you left your kids with their dad and you enjoyed the wedding without them

did they even want to go?

I never understand why people are obsessed with their kids being invited to weddings tbh

All a bit unnecessary and embarrassing. If you felt uncomfortable attending without DCs you should have just declined, and made it clear to your dh that you didn’t want him to put pressure on the bride and groom to extend invites.

Guestzilla!

Do your kids see much of the bride and groom and the extended family? I don't understand why they'd want to go, weddings are boring unless you know a good number of people there.

They aren't your children's family, there was no need for them to invite them. You were your husband's +1! Honestly people like you are why we had a no children no +1 wedding!

Exactly this. What a fuss.

What would you have done?

I would have gone to the wedding with DH and SC, let my DC be looked after by their own DF, and not have shoehorned them into a wedding where the bride and groom obviously aren’t close to them.

What happened to 'it's an invitation, not a summons'? She was perfectly at liberty to refuse for herself. She didn't make a fuss. The situation is on her DH.

Your kids shouldn't have been put on a different table. That was snide, they should have been with you or not at all. I wouldn't be impressed if I were the other guests on that tables either, sat with two unsupervised kids I don't even know.

You didn't do anything wrong in swapping. I don't get the issue - assuming you weren't on top table causing a big kerfuffle.

Why are your SC annoyed?

I think you behaved perfectly throughout - you weren't to know that they would put your kids on a separate table and you found a solution that got you through.

Going forward you are going to need more detail about events to ensure you don't put your children in a situation where they are added extras.

It isn't meant meanly when I say that the couple getting married have treated you as a plus one for your husband rather than part of the family (in which case they would have embraced your family) and you now have that knowledge to keep in mind in your dealings with them. You can remember that they are your husbands family and remember not to treat them/embrace them as your own.

I think the couple were out of order seating your kids away from you. Its a bit weird to separate them from their family

I don't think it was fair that you asked step son to swap seats.

You did the best thing by you moving to sit with one child and the other sitting with your partner and his kids

I don't know why you made a fuss about it, you say they see their dad and you have other childcare, so not sure why it was essential they attended the wedding of someone related to your DH. They aren't little kids so easy enough to explain why they weren't invited

This. I honestly can't see why they had to go. Nor can I see why op wouldn't go without them. They are no relation to the b&g.