Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

You should have gone to the wedding with DH and his DC. Yours were not invited. It is not their family. You may feel like it is because that is how it is in your household, but you don't get to choose how others feel about it.

Why would you feel weird going to a wedding with your step children and not your children when it’s the wedding of your step children’s uncle?! This makes no sense at all. Also, why does your son know who paid for the ski trip. Adults shouldn’t be discussing such financial arrangements in blended families with young children.

They’re not. OP’s DS shared the circumstances of the ski trip and that’s how it got back to DH’s ex.

I'm not saying I recommend or condone it but I have seen a post where someone described how they blackmailed a grandmother into treating them all the same by threatening to withdraw contact with her biological grandchildren. It only worked so well as her will remained unchanged.

I haven’t explained because that’s not what l think. Again l was commenting on the general attitude on MN. Put simply, if, as demonstrated on numerous similar past threads, the general consensus is that a stepmum should ensure that her step kids are treated equally to her own, why is it not the same for a stepdad ?

But you still keep saying “ensure”? Ensure how?

Sounds about right. The issue of a step-parent's wider family not treating the DSC the same as bio/legal kids comes up on here a loooooooot, both with DSMs and DSFs. And the question of to what extent the step-parent can be expected to exert influence over their relatives is also very well aired. I don't recall seeing the thread you mention, but can well believe it.

Fact is, criticism of a step-parent of either sex for not ensuring their own family accepts the DSC is almost invariably argued with on the basis that you can only blend the parts of a family you're in charge of. To the extent that MN has a position on this, it's to argue over it!

This. Very well put.

I’m sorry, but I’ve explained as best l can and clarified that I’m speaking generally about MN attitudes towards step parents, not stating a personal opinion.

There could be a number of reasons why DS knew his step dad had paid for the trip. It could be as simple as him asking his mum if he could go on the trip and her telling him she would have to talk to her DH about affordability. He’s twelve. Old enough to know that the money has to come from somewhere.

The circumstances that were sensitive re the ski trip were the financing of it not the trip itself - this was the relevance of the SS complaining to OPs son that his inheritance was being spent (and the x repeating this back to the DH) - my point is how / why did the OP share this info with the DCs?

As l commented upthread it could have been something as simple as DS asking his mum if he could go on the trip and her telling him she would have to discuss the finances with his step dad before she agreed. Possibly she’s then fed back to him that step dad is paying so he can go. DS has innocently talked about the trip at the wedding, prompting a nasty comment from SS.

I don’t see it as a big deal. The finances between OP and her DH are nothing to do with either of their ex partners and it’s beyond rude of SS to assume anything by way of ‘inheritance’ while the parent is alive and making decisions about what is, after all, their own money.

Blended families can be complicated.

Your dh family haven't adjusted to the fact he has extended his family now. His brother hadn't appreciated your kids are part of dh family now. His kids haven't accepted your kids are part of dh family now.

Your dh's ex hasn't accepted she doesn't get to say how dh spends his money, or that he now has a new family.

How long have you been together OP? It may just need more time.

People have criticised the actions around your kids being invited to the wedding, however I think that's exactly the right thing to do. It reminds people you are a family group - and your dh family clearly need that message loud and clear.

When a MN post starts with "So" it's an excellent indication that what follows is going to be largely fiction made up in order to beat up the OP. This is directly in that tradition.

She wasn't refusing to go she was declining an invitation which is fine.

How long have you and your husband been together? What I’m asking is - how long have your children been in his families lives for them to want them to be part of their big day.

Personally, I’m not one for accommodating “feelings” at a wedding. If I had a niece and nephew I’m really close to (and related to) and my brother had got married and his new wife also had children that I didn’t know very well and didn’t see often (not through malice, life just gets in the way sometimes), I’d assume they’d not want to come to the wedding of an “uncle by marriage” who they might have only known for a few years and not know all that well.

Many people say they’re happy for their kids to stay home for weddings and your husbands children are old enough and know enough family there to have gone hung out with Aunts and Uncles/cousins and let you have a night some what to yourselves. I think him calling to ask that your children be invited (because you otherwise refused to go) is overstepping in all honesty. It’s not about them not liking your children, but they didn’t have to be there and insisting they were made it about you/him, even if you didn’t ask him to make the call.

As far as your son’s ski trip - the issue I see here is that if you were widowed or no contact and so your husband paid, I don’t think his family would see the issue. If your ex is being an absolute tyrant and refusing to help towards an expensive ski trip (because they are expensive) but could afford to if he tried, then yes paying on his behalf is your husband making up for their fathers poor effort/behaviour. (I would see this differently if your new husband is very well off and this ski trip didn’t touch the edges - that’s different and his ex is being greedy for stomping on about it - but I’m imagining he’s an average person) I can see where his children's mother is coming from and you never know historical dynamics around money they have going on.

Similarly, years from now, if his parents gave all their grandchildren (so not your kids) £10K as a gift or left it in their wills, you shouldn’t expect your kids to receive anything. It’s not about not loving your children very much and making sure they feel welcomed and celebrated at Christmas, birthdays and made to feel included, but in certain circumstances they don’t “get” to benefit from his family when they also have two other sets of grandparents of their own. Would you demand your parents gave his children a gift like that? This is where it starts sometimes with blended families and this is what his family will see coming down the road. I know it’s not cut and dry, but sometimes you have to see it from others point of view.

My aunt remarried to someone with 3 children (she also had 3, my mum had 3) and we invited them everywhere growing up, as they were family. My gran bought them Easter eggs and Christmas gifts - but they weren’t included in her will to receive sentimental items. They didn’t get to look through her things like us 6 grandkids did, as they weren’t her grandkids but they did love her and feel welcomed. I think based on my personal experiences there is a fine line with blended families joining when kids are all slightly older. If your children are welcomed otherwise by the family, not made to feel like outsiders and your husband loves and cares for them, you should have discouraged him from pushing for this invitation.

Not to completely back track - but what is your relationship (and your children’s) like with his family otherwise?

I’d probably give a different view if his family have never quite welcomed you, even when you’re not the other woman and you’ve tried to blend together. In which case, screw them and you shouldn’t want your kids to be where they’re not welcome 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

You can say to the child “step dad and I need to have a discussion around finances to make sure we can afford it” but I think it is wrong to say “your step dad is paying for this”. What is the purpose of saying that? To make him look better than the biological dad? To make the son feel indebted to the step dad? Some other reason I can’t think of?