Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

Did your SIL not want to sit with your son, or did she not want her nephew to have to go sit somewhere else? They're not the same.

I think you’ve misunderstood me. I don’t think there was any issue with him staying where he’d been seated. I was responding to the post immediately before me; I was agreeing that he will have easily been able to work out that his father was helping to pay for this expensive trip.

Your DH needs to tell his ex that how he arranges finances in his own house is nothing whatsoever to do with her. If I was him I would also be reminding my children that they are not entitled to inherit anything from me, and that I have every intention of spending all my money before I die. Incredibly rude of his son to make that assumption.

The argument actually does work. Yes, in this case the stepdad pushed for the invitation but so many posters are disagreeing with that decision and like yourself, are saying OP’s kids had no place at the wedding because they have no relationship with the B&G. If only stepdad’s own kids have a relationship with his family that’s on him, and that’s the MN double standard. Stepmums are roundly criticised for not making sure their own family accepts their stepchildren. Stepdad here isn’t being held to the same standard.

That bit doesn’t make sense to me - I think OP meant to say her DH’s ex had spoken to her DH (ex’s ex if that makes sense). She mentioned that ex had said every time he pays for OP’s kids, his own children’s future is affected. That wouldn’t make any sense unless said to OP’s DH.

Well, next time, just manage your own feelings and don’t have your DH ask for two extra invitations, and then complain about the seating arrangements resulting from that on the internet?

But how does anyone, stepmother or stepfather, “make sure” this happens? You can’t force your family to be interested in your stepchildren. It’s not “on him” at all - especially as he’s the one pushing to include them.

I disagree - the 12 year old has 2 of his own parents doing shred care - no assumptions to be made that a step father would pick up the bill. And no business of the other kids or his ex wife if he did contribute. As a family they need to decide that they are open to scrutiny to fairness of spending on the DCs - or that it’s none of their business and as adults and parents they will spend the money they all earn as they wish. Obviously there is some resentment and bullying of the 12 year old by the 17 year old and this needs addressing. If the 17 year old has concerns he needs to pick it up directly with his father (who hopefully will give him short shift) - not snipe at a 12 year old.

This is very odd. You refer to ‘the groom’ throughout on all your posts and only now drip feed to reveal he is your BIL and your DH brother - who of course should have invited his step children at the outset. Why didn’t you make that clear at the outset that it was immediate family / sibling wedding? You would have had a very different thread then.

I'd forget the wedding. What you're describing is a non-event, it's only worth noting that it's brought some resentments between the step children to light.

Forget the wedding and gently attend to that.

Petty on where they placed it? You mean they would have already done the seating arrangements like any other couple would have

In theory your husband could leave everything to you and nothing to his children as is his right. You could then leave everything to your own children as would be your right. This is often a scenario that plays out on mumsnet. Your husband’s ex wife should rein herself back in.

The 17 year old bullying the 12 year old needs reining in first and foremost. How has your DH handled that?

I think quite a lot of people would be unhappy going to any event with step children and leaving their own children behind, particularly young ones. As OP admitted the feeling is possibly illogical but many mothers would have the same reaction. Possibly a biological imperative which is hard to ignore. Admiration to those who could do this and put their feelings and instincts aside. Better people than me (and many other).

Was OP advised in advance that this would be the situation? If yes she could possibly have dealt with differently by not going or preparing the little one. It wouldn’t have taken a minute to let her know once they had sorted out the seating etc. While it’s their wedding and lots to do etc once they accepted the little ones would be there and were sorting their seating it would have been kind to let OP know and would hardly have taken a lot of effort. It does feeling a little bit thoughtless and possibly petty.

It depends when the DH asked his brother for the extra invitations for the wedding - if it was when they received the invite - assuming months / weeks ahead of the event then the table plans would not have been done and accommodations could have been made - if very near to the date then it would have been trickier.

“Bullying”?

Yes bullying - “anything less than polite and kind is bullying” is an important distinction to intervene - especially with a power imbalance in this case age.

It really isn't.

You need a better dictionary.

That how my sons school define bullying which then provides a simple, clear and practical boundary to nip unpleasant behaviours in the bud.

Im surprised at the majority of the comments. But then most mumsnetters seem to dislike children (strangely) and feel they have no place at weddings. I think that was cold and unfriendly
They could have put you all at the same table as a family. But wanted to make a point imo (that your dc aren't their family) really cruel and unnecessary.

Fair point but once they had made a decision on where to put the children whenever that was it wouldn't have been a lot of effort to let OP husband to know what the arrangements were. Putting a little girl 4 tables away from her mum is hard to understand. A subsequent poster commented that many mumsnetters don’t seem to like kids and rereading this post and others with kid issues I can see why she would reach that conclusion. It leads you to wonder about how generally as a society we value and care for our children. Of course most family groups put their children above everything but there appears to be a significant number of people who simply don’t value kids and this seems to be reflected in wider public policies despite rhetoric from many MPs etc. They will be paying taxes and working to look after us when they grow up and without them we would have no future.

@PoppinjayPolly Loving the Hot Fuzz reference.

Your DH shouldn’t have asked and I am fine with kids at weddings.

I was commenting solely within the context of how it’s regarded on MN. Stepmums are routinely told that their families shouldn’t treat their step kids any differently from their own in situations like this. I was simply making an observation that according to some of the replies here, stepdads aren’t held to the same standard.

You still haven’t explained how you think any stepparent can force their extended family into this.