Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

It sounds like it was all handled very awkwardly. You weren't wrong to decline, loads of people have to decline weddings or send one person of a couple if their kids are not invited. Declining isn't a tantrum. Sitting them away from you with strangers is a very odd thing to do, not sure what they were thinking there.

Sure, he would have had to lie to his family and relatives because his wife threw a strop.

No she didn’t decline. Her husband contacted the couple before she has chance to, it seems.

I think she should have just accepted the invitation without children to be honest but I can’t see where she threw a strop.

Your DH/you if if was your idea to contact the couple is the problem here.

They generously added your DC at the last minute, but it does appear they were an afterthought as it's an odd table plan choice otherwise. The other guests on the table they were on might've found the whole thing awkward, and your DSC were entitled to be irritated.

'my husband asked the groom if it would be possible to extend an invitation to my children which he kindly did'

It is so inappropriate to scrounge invites. With a dc and dsc situation you accept an invite or decline.

To then be swapping seats adds to the cringeness of it.

I'd send a note apologising tbh and tell your dh you don't ask for invites in future.

That. The step son was close family to the bride and groom. He doesn't get to be moved to a table significantly further away.

But the step children were sitting with their family. Why should they have moved to accommodate the op’s children?

Why did you want your children there? I would have been delighted to go without them and enjoy myself.
I think it was rude of your dh to contact the groom but it was also silly of the B&G to put kids at a table with strangers.
A no win situation, just forget about it now.

How long have you been Married?
I wouldn’t be happy if my children wasn’t invited in the first place.
I probably wouldn’t have gone.

@Greenhairedmonstor
How old are your children???

It was not appropriate at all for your dh to ask for extra invites for ypur children
I hope you gave them a generous gift.

The best you can hope for now is time moves on and it fades in the background

Yes.

You would have done better to have accepted your kids weren't invited in the first place.

You feeling weird about it and pulling out in protest made things harder than they needed to be. You could have just gone to the wedding without them, no fuss.

I don’t understand why you couldn’t have gone to a wedding without your children. Especially as you had appropriate childcare.

I think you swapping and going to sit next your daughter was the best thing under the circumstances but it should never have happened. Is your stepson upset because you don’t do anything just your DH and them?

9 and 12 it says in op

Were the bride or groom close relatives of your DH?

What would you have done?
If I were you, I'd have stayed at home.
I would not be inviting children under 13 to my wedding, and your thread is an example of why not.

Its over so it doesn't matter.

I think this exactly what the op did..
The thing I don't understand is why were your step kids annoyed about it all

I think that’s mean of DH’s family to do that, they’re young children. I once went to a wedding where DH was the best man and I only knew him plus the bride and groom. Consequently, I was sat at a table with people I didn’t know. Even as an adult I was nervous in the run up but they were lovely and we had a great chat. As a child, I would have been running over to my mum all the time.

I agree. Should have accepted who they wanted to invite originally

This. You should have moved from the get go.

your husband was also wrong to pressure for an invite for your kids.

I wouldn’t have allowed my DH to call the groom, its totally inappropriate and put pressure on the bridal party to pay for 2 more places. Also although it felt weird if your kids had good babysitters at home you could have gone without all this fuss!

Me me me.

Bride and groom were total twats.

Lesson learned - if you're not invited, you shouldn't go. Your instinct to not go was correct, listen to your gut next time.

i think youre getting a bit of an unfair pasting OP. I don’t agree that 9 and 12 are old enough to sit with complete strangers. Wedding breakfasts are long meals. The bride and groom have behaved ridiculously in separating them from you. I also can’t see any evidence that DH ‘pressured’ them, just that he rang and asked.

A pertinent fact I can’t find (sorry if you’ve already said it) is how close are these relatives to your DH and how long have your children been in DHs life?
If he’s been your partner since the kids were babies then not inviting them was unkind and your DH was right to mention it imho. If he’s a fairly new partner and/or your children have never met these people or have any interest in them then I think he should have let it go.

I felt weird going to a wedding with my stepchildren without my own children

Surely when you decide to blend families you accept that these sorts of situations will occur from time to time?

I don't think anyone has covered themselves in glory here, to be honest.

Declining an invitation on the basis that your DC aren't invited, even though they're not directly related to the B&G and you have plenty of childcare options, is a bit petty.

Your DH was also unreasonable to say anything to the Groom. It doesn't matter how nicely he asked, putting someone on the spot like that is really unfair. However, if I was the B&G then, having agreed (albeit grudgingly) to host your children, I wouldn't have seated them away from you if I could help it. Seating plans can be a nightmare to organise and I'd have been seriously pissed off at having to change it, but I probably would have done it. I guess one thing to consider is that if there wasn't room on your table for your two DC then seating them next to you could have meant other families having to be split up, which would also seem unfair. Maybe they were in a position of having no choice but to upset someone and decided, ultimately, that upsetting the CF's who guilt tripped them into paying for two extra meals was the lesser of two evils.

As for how you and your DH dealt with the situation with the seating, again I think there was an unnecessary amount of fuss. If your DD genuinely couldn't cope with being seated at a different table, then of course you as her Mum should have been the one to move. This should have happened as soon as it became apparent she wasn't coping, rather than a waitress having to ask her to stop getting up. Your DH was unreasonable to expect your 17 year old step son to swap-seats and I don't blame him for refusing. I imagine your own Dad telling you to go and sit at another table away from your family because he wants to placate his wife's kid feels pretty shit actually. Your DH should have been more considerate of his sons feelings.
Your SIL probably should have minded her own business rather than making a sarcastic comment, but she was probably saying what everyone else was thinking.

Ultimately, if you and your DH had accepted the B&G's original invite, sent your two DC off to their Grandparents or whoever your preferred babysitter would be, you probably all would have had a much nicer evening.