Wedding Aftermath

[Greenhairedmonstor]

I have been mulling on this for a week. I only want opinions as I don’t know what to think and I am not going to say anything to anybody.

DH, my step-children 13 and 17 and I were invited to a wedding on DH’s side.

My children 9 and 12 weren’t.

While I don’t blame groom and while my children have their own father and I have lots of childcare I felt weird about going to a family wedding without my children so I decided not to go,

My husband however, contacted the groom and very generously they invited my children however when we got to the reception my children were on a different table. They were on a table together about four tables away from me, with two couples and a baby. They were pleasant people.

My daughter kept coming over to me and a waitress asked her politely to sit down as they were going to bring out the main course.

My husband asked my stepson to swap seats but he refused and my sister-in-law was quite sarcastic. I didn’t know what to do so finally I swapped seats with my own son.

My stepchildren appeared to be annoyed by this.

What would you have done?

I think it was wrong they weren't seated with you, but I assume this is because they weren't really invited and had to be slotted in.
I don't know why you made a fuss about it, you say they see their dad and you have other childcare, so not sure why it was essential they attended the wedding of someone related to your DH. They aren't little kids so easy enough to explain why they weren't invited.

The daughter didn’t misbehave

I don’t think it’s reasonable to put a 9 year old on a table at a wedding without a parent, it’s very rude and if you want children to sit nicely with good table manners, you really should have the common sense to put a parent with them to keep an eye on them/correct bad behaviour.

Christ really, at nine??

All she had to do was keep her bum on the seat for one meal.

I feel quite sorry for the couples who were seated at a table with someone else's kids at a wedding. That is so bizarre.

I don't understand why you couldn't have gone to the wedding without your kids, but in that situation you probably should have sat with your dd from the outset. It was unreasonable to ask stepson to move from a table of his family to a table with 2 unknown couples and a baby.

Getting up and down and causing a disruption is misbehaving although the Op could have moved her other child to the other table to start with sat with the 9 year old, but she expected a 17 year old to just move. It sounds like the op isn't used to getting her own way.

Well, I wouldn't have been bothered that my kids weren't invited. Weddings are expensive & your kids do have their own Dad (so your DH isn't their 'only Dad' , so I'd have gone with my DH & step kids, no bother.

but having invited them I can't see why they couldn't have put your family on one table? Or have put the oldest 2 on the other table.

I think at 9, at a wedding where DD didn't know the other people on her table, it's prefects understandable she kept coming to see you.

i don't see why your SC were bothered that you swapped seats unless they don't get on with your DS? (That angle might need looking at)

id stop ruminating over it though, what's done is done & it's not worth the head space!

I don’t think it was reasonable for your husband to back the groom into a corner over inviting your children. Yes, it would have been nice if they were invited originally but presumably they were keeping the costs down and only inviting relatives and close friends.

They know your children exist so if they wanted to include them they would have without needing to be asked. I don’t know whether they were being awkward about it or whether it just messed up their seating plan.

I do think the groom should have held a boundary and said no if he didn’t want your children to attend, though, so he was being unreasonable in that regard.

I did not throw a strop. Before I could send my regrets my husband asked the groom if it would be possible to extend an invitation to my children which he kindly did.

I did not cause a scene at the reception I merely swapped seats.

I felt weird going to a wedding with my stepchildren without my own children . I totally own that this is illogical but it is how I felt.

Daughter is shy and uncomfortabl around strangers. And not a robot.

Her getting up was not to be naughty but because she was put on the extras table

She wasn't 'playing up' she was going to see her mum, people move around & chat to others all the time during wedding breakfasts.

If your daughter is very shy I do wonder that the decision for them to attend the wedding was wise. They weren’t invited and
You said you have good childcare

Id have let it go in this instance

I think the mistake was accepting their offer to invite your kids last minute. I don’t think you were wrong to decline and understand why you did, but they’ve probably already done seating plans and shoehorned your kids in last minute. It’s not the end of the world and I wouldn’t dwell on it.

You did imagine refusing to go somewhere because your children were not invited! You can wrap it up as nicely as you want but you were offended your kids were not seen as part of the extended family, as step children this happens sometimes.

And she was told to stay seated while the food was brought out.

A very simple instruction for a NT 9 year old but apparently she needed an adult to make sure she did as she was told.

Declining an invitation is not a mini tantrum.

Anyway as a pp said it is done now, I don't think you are ready to accept your didn't handle it very well.

Of course you threw a strop.

So it felt 'weird' but you could still have gone without them.

Declining an invite because her kids were not invited is a "mini tantrum" her kids could have gone to their dads the op didn't need to cause such a hoha about it.

You should have agreed that just your husband and step children attend the wedding. It sounds like your children were slotted in last minute, hence why they were seated at a different table. Ideally a parent should be present but at aged 9, your daughter should have been able to sit still for a short while.

I think it was nice of the groom to invite your children - hard to know if it was odd that they weren't invited as you haven't said how well you know the couple, if they've met your kids etc. They perhaps slotted your kids on to a table where people had dropped out rather than redoing the whole thing - not perfect but it would have made sense for you to have sat with one of them in the first place & hard to understand why you didn't. While you felt odd about going without your kids, it reads like you were very much a +1 in the situation yourself and low down the list of priorities. Edited to say, I don't mean that unkindly, just that the bridge & groom were nice to invite you all when your DH asked but probably had a lot of other things to think about that were higher up on their list.

Don't over think this. You did the right thing by swapping seats. It's a shame you weren't sat together but like someone said earlier, seating plans can be a nightmare. Its all good. Hopefully you all had a lovely time in the end.

The children should have been invited and seated with you. The bride and groom are plain rude. Forget and move on @Greenhairedmonstor you’ve done nothing wrong.

Wedding meals with multiple courses are long time periods - she was told to sit down when the staff were about to start to serve the main, so the DD would have already sat with strangers for the starters, most hotels allow around 30-45 minutes for each course, so the dd had already been seated for longer than most family meals.

The average wedding venue suggests around 2.5 hours for meal and speeches. This is a long time to expect a 9 year old to sit without their parent, with just their sibling and a group of strangers.

The OPs mistake was to not switch with her DS immediately to avoid any issues.

Why are people saying 9yo was on own? She was with her 12 yo brother… They were on a table together although it was FOUR tables away from mum…

What would I have done? Arranged for my kids to go to their dad or grandparents or someone for the weekend and gone to the wedding. They didn't need to attend, you made a fuss, got them an invitation and then caused a fuss because they had to be squeezed in to spare seats. Your kids aren't part of your DH's extended family so why did you have an issue with them not attending a wedding with you?