To not want to take ‘constructive criticism’ from clinically clean DH

[Pigsinbl4nkets12345]

Myself and partner share 2 children (8 and 9). We live in a lovely house and share cleaning responsibilities pretty evenly. He works 40+ hours and I work 32. I will do childcare, cooking and on my days off laundry etc. he will help clean up from dinner when home and likes a spotless house which he will do the tweaks to. For example, hoovering, wiping cupboards etc when I’m home.

i would say I’m not unclean but I’m not clinical. The problem is that I suspect that he is on the spectrum and likes things in very particular ways. I do not mind this but recently he has been strongly suggesting that I change my ways of doing things to his preferred method, stating that it is more effective and I am not being as efficient as I could be.

for example in the mornings it’s a bit of a rush. I tend to get up, do breakfasts, hair, feed pet and get out of house. DH will get up, feed himself and leave. I will leave cups etc out on side and when I get back before him, load into dishwasher. He gets frustrated that everything is not completely clean before we leave in the morning because he would do it much more efficient. It’s like this with most things, loading dishwasher, putting items in cupboard etc. to the point that I feel worried doing these things wrong when they’re happening.

i have tried navigating these conversations where I have explained that I am not him so will not do everything the exact same, but he cannot fathom it and is very frustrated that I will not take ‘constructive critism’ as he is trying to better my life. How on earth do I navigate these things?

if he thinks he can do it better or his way is better or preferred then let him do it. Simple as. Then see where you land.

Tell him that you would have time to load the dishwasher if he was feeding the pets and handling the kids breakfast.

You need to be very blunt and clear, no ambiguity.

"I am not interested in your feedback. I am not your employee. This is my home too and I will do things in my own way."

I have a ND spouse who can be a bit self absorbed so I do get it. Clarity and consistency, broken record technique. Don't expect him to understand your point of view, just tell him straight and repeat until he gets it.

You invite him to load the dishwasher before he leaves

He can bloody do it then!

In that specific instance (mornings), why isn't he doing his share of breakfast duties? That would leave more time for you/him to put the dishes away.

I can't think of a way round this - he thinks things have to be 100% perfect, you're happy with 95%. Has it become more problematic lately? You've been together for a while, has this only recently become a problem?

Does he leave before you or after you?

If he leaves before you, nothing can change

If he leaves at the same time or after you then he can put stuff in the dishwasher cant he?

I guess the dishwasher is only one apsect of this though?

You’re perfectly entitled to live in your house, the way you want to. If he wants the certain things done a particular way, he can do them. As someone else said, you’re not his employee.

Agree with the previous posters - 1/ a very clear, unambiguous statement that you do things your way and 2/ another clear statement that if he wants the counter tops clear when you leave the house, he is very welcome to clear them - he has more time than you in the mornings, given the split of duties.

I know that the mornings sre just one example but I really don't understand why you are doing 100% of the morning jobs, he is doing 0% yet he can nit pick at how you do it. And you're wondering how this can be dealt with?

Surely he just pitches in from now on?

Tell him that you differ. It is your home too and you like to feel more relaxed. You do not like your cup washing standards to be judged. Leave him to do the things that he likes done in a really fussy way.

This.

(and I'm the ND spouse in this scenario).

And don’t underestimate the effect living like this will have on your young children.

Hire a cleaner it'll cut out the tweaks and he can concentrate on loading the dishwasher and daily tasks. Or let him take the reins for a week getting everyone ready for the day.

Is he getting worse (more set in his ways) as he ages? That was what did for my last relationship (with ND partner), as his desire to control what was in his power to control became more and more entrenched.

I agree with being absolutely neutral and factual. Tell him that there isn't time to do a full clean before you leave. Tell him that he must do (whichever bit of breakfast time you think feasible). Just tell him flatly that this is what is required if he wants the house to be clean.

But be aware of things becoming more intense. Does he listen to the news a lot? Because this might be his way of imposing order if he feels that life in general is spiralling out of control (and it can lead to becoming very difficult to live with).

The answer is staring you both in the face. He needs to contribute more to the morning tasks, not just "feed himself and leave" while you're buzzing around like a blue arsed fly trying to sort yourself, two kids and pet.

Also he needs to accept that he doesn't get to give you orders. My husband does the thing of leaving cups and plates on the surface above the dishwasher until he finishes work, then he will load them all at once (he doesn't leave it for me to do). I hate that as I much prefer to put stuff in dishwasher immediately so I don't see the kitchen untidy every time I go in there. But I don't moan just because we are different. I either leave it or just do it myself if it's bugging me.

Im failing to see how his way is "more efficient" it will take the same amount of time in the pm as in the am. Difference is there is time to do it in the pm not so much in the am.

Also doesnt sound like the chores are that well split in the morning. If he wanta the house spotless in the am he has to take on nore responsibility to support this.

Tell him he needs to find more effective ways of managing his neurodivergence so that it doesn’t negatively impact his family.

Sounds like my ex husband.

He used to make me 'put away my handbag' because it bothered him. Then instruct me on how to better clean the kitchen surfaces.

I'm cleaner than your average person so I didn't take it kindly. It strays into controlling you as well as their environment.

So all he’s doing is getting himself sorted and out of the house and he’s criticising you?! Fuck. That. He’s an arse.

We have had this type of discussion earlier in our marriage. Essentially I am better at cleaning but I’m not as naturally tidy day to day as DH. The established rule now is ‘if it bothers you, do it yourself’. Left to him, our house would look surface tidy but most cupboards and drawers woukd be rammed and nobody would be able to find things. But if I keep things tidy on the inside then we’re basically fine.
The most important thing is to knock the idea that he is somehow entitled to ‘manage’ you because that’s about a lot more than just the dishwasher.

@Pigsinbl4nkets12345 do you leave the stuff on the side because you don't want to load the dishwasher yet, or is it full of clean stuff? If it's full of clean stuff, you could suggest that if DH can fit in unloading the dishwasher in the morning, then the dishwasher can be loaded as the day goes on.

I don't load the dishwasher, generally, because DH likes it a certain way, so I let him crack on.

We have discussed the fact that I don’t think his approach is necessarily helpful a number of times in detail and he is convinced that he is looking out for my best interests and to make my life run smoother. The general consensus is that I’m a bit uptight and very defensive but honestly the constant running commentary is quite grating. He has stopped mentioning so much because he see’s that some things such as not putting the pans from largest to smallest occasionally or putting the wooden spoons in the wrong cupboard, is him being particular but the rest he is convinced he needs to say for the betterment of myself.

“I am not interested in your feedback. I am not your employee. This is my home too and I will do things in my own way."

Love this!

Do you know, this sounds exactly like him. He has become a lot more intense and has become pretty obsessed with the news etc.