Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

[StephEP]

SDs are 13 and 12. They live with their mum the majority of the time, only with us EOWE now through their preference, and DH pays maintenance accordingly. DH and their mum aren’t on great terms.

In the past, clothes have ‘belonged to the house’ so clothes get washed and returned. Very frequently, ‘our’ clothes go AWOL and return stained, ripped or months later, too small. I would say we buy nicer clothes for SDs but they’re perfectly adequately dressed by their mum too.

Having found last weekend that - yet again - they have “no clothes” here, I would like to suggest to them and DH that the clothes can travel freely with SDs, and we’ll take them on a couple of big shopping trips a year, and buy things like coats (we do this anyway) but they need to be responsible and bring a bag of clothes with them each time. I’d suggest we maintain a supply of pants and pyjamas and the very basics.

I totally agree that it’s actually been pretty civil given it’s a step mum thread! Was more a bit of support to OP to ignore the ones who have piled on but they are relatively few which is nice.
I do see what you’re saying re punishing the DSC but was trying (maybe badly!) to make the point that, in my opinion at least, OP’s SC are old enough to bring clothes between houses and to deal with the consequences (ie having to wear the boring/old stuff) if they can’t be bothered or forget. From what OP says I get the sense they’re also not particularly fussed about wearing the tatty knackered stuff while they’re at OP’s so it’s presumably not really a punishment for them - more so for OP 😅

We had the same problem.

DS comes home to us on a Friday in her uniform and she goes back to school on a Monday in her uniform.

if for any reason she goes home early, she goes into moms, gets changed and then comes out with her clothes.

if she comes to us in moms clothes, she gets changed, and we wash moms stuff and she goes home in it.

moms okay, but constantly asked for “her clothes” which we didn’t have… and if we did. it’s only 1 item, but we did find that a lot of stuff was going to moms and not coming back, so we asked and ended up with 2 black bags coming back.

its the only way really to do it and keep it fair.

Ask the girls what they want to do, they are big enough. But really, they should be taking responsibility for their clothes themselves now. The clothes belong to them, not to the place they’re staying. I would hate it if my clothes didn’t belong to me. And it’s probably the girls choosing to bring the rubbish ones with them when they visit, rather than the mum. Of COURSE they want to keep the nice clothes at their main home where they spend most of their time and see their friends. Who wouldn’t?

Given that this is probably their own preference, I suggest you don’t fight it. Let them wear rubbish clothes at your house. It’s what they want. You may feel embarrassed in front of other people, and imagine everyone you know gossiping about how badly you look after them. This really doesn’t matter. What matters is giving the girls agency to manage their own clothes. It will also stop them asking for new clothes because they haven’t brought any. I suspect they are playing you! There is no need to buy new clothes, they’ve made their own choices, they just know that you’ll probably buy more. So stop caring about this. It doesn’t matter. (What matters is the genuine family relationship, which you know is good.) They will no longer have a hold over you in this way. Also, it will make them focus on actually packing properly. If they know they’re not going to wangle new clothes, they might actually bring some decent ones. But if they don’t, it doesn’t matter.

Then just spend whatever you think is appropriate on clothes and leave them to it.

Exactly what I think.

There is no need to make unpleasantness and stress around it.

They won't die if they have no clothes other than what they are wearing and will soon learn to manage better.

At their age they can surely have an allowance to spend on clothes and it should be their choice where the clothes go. I don’t think they need clothes at your house since they’re only there twice a month.

Can I just share my POV of being the kid in this situation?

I am 40 now. I'm having therapy due to the horribleness between parents and "houses", I have never felt settled in my life and I have issues in not believing I deserve "nice" things because items belonged to a house or parent rather than me.

I have such low self esteem due to always worrying about which parent or step parent I will accidentally upset each week and all the pandering I had to do for a peaceful life.

I didn't have nice things. I had nice things with caveats "that belongs here" or "that's for this house only". Horrible

Please just think 💐

Have you read the OPs posts though? That's exactly what she's trying to avoid... she's suggesting giving them an allowance/ taking them shopping at intervals to buy whatever they want or need but encouraging them to bring a packed bag to the NRP house so that any clothes they might want (no matter who bought them) can be worn wherever or whenever they want.

It's all well and good saying the clothes should belong to the kid.. I think everyone agrees with that concept. But when you are the household constantly paying out for clothes and NEVER having so much as a t-shirt left at your house for the kids... how do you propose parents get around that without bankrupting themselves?

They're old enough to pack a bag for the weekend with some guidance.

Don't put this all on the mum to implement, though. Your DH or you should sit down with the girls and write out a packing list for a typical weekend that they can use as their checklist. For the time being dad should send a message in advance if there's anything special they need to bring that weekend. Have an agreement on what will stay at your house - toiletries, pyjamas, a backup pair of trainers, socks and pants, and some basic backup outfits (including a reasonably smart option) are a good starting place.

Explain the tradeoff and reasoning so they understand that packing is a way to make sure they have clothes they want to wear at whichever house they're at and that they're always welcome to leave more things at your house to limit the packing if they prefer.

I am so sorry to read this @ihategin

Your experience is exactly what ex and I tried a
so very hard not to do to our dd or his older dc (my first lot of dsc). Both houses are referred to as dds home, everything is hers and she is free to take things between houses as she sees fit. I have a couple of coats for her just in case things get left at her dad's.

Good luck with your therapy. I really hope it brings you some closure.

I had exactly that issue with my ex. I ended up sending them back in whatever they came in, so they never took stuff I bought back to his place, and what he bought stayed at his house. It worked.

Clothes belong to our house my grandaughter comes in mums clothes goes back in mums school uniform but in between when it's my sons half of the week she wears her clothes from our house and school uniform from our house .
Same with shoes trainers and pjamas underwear it works.

You are on the right track and the SC are old enough to tell you if mum is making them leave the good items behind.

in a previous relationship SC was an only child 6 yo. My then partner was trying to set up toys for his bedroom so he had things to play with when staying over, only the toys would go (as any young child wants to do with something new) but never come back for the following weekend.

at the end of the day these things are implemented for the benefit of the children. Why a parent would want to deny that is beyond me.

My grandaughter has two homes and it's all very amicable .. sorry you went through this not all adults are like this .
Lots do set good examples .

I know exactly what you mean. You and dad buy nice clothes that go back to mums and are never seen again. Children arrive in tatty stuff which need’s replacing. So damn irritating. Girls are now getting to an age where they can pack for themselves and take some responsibility but it is an uphill battle

My dad had the same years ago with all my little half siblings. They’d go to his straight after school and the overnight bags would be empty, not even pyjamas. So every weekend he’d have to buy new sets of clothes for every child.

makes you think negatively about the mum, well it did me.

Why are you washing clothes for them?
If they have any dirty clothes they should be sent home with them. It is their mother's problem not yours.
I would also asked for that they provide spare knickers socks etc.

You are too soft. They are using you as a mug.

Btw I also understand from an Aunty perspective. We had one of our dear nieces a LOT for a few years, my DPs niece.

Usually every other weekend , a week each holiday and so on. Far more than normal. we were also helping out with food as we’d go there and no food and paying the rent at times.

It was costing us a fortune so we had to economise by not having a holiday, cheaper foods and so on just to afford it all.

She was always sent to us with a bag of clothes that didn’t fit, for example an aged 4 top when she was 13. One time she came over bare footed and mum said shoes were in bag, there were no shoes! So I’d give her an old T-shirt of mine to sleep in and we’d go to sainsburys or somewhere to buy her clothes the next day. It was beyond anything we could afford.

the last time we did it we did it like you are suggesting. We did a £150 clothes shop for everything she needed for the next 6 months. plus some bits next size up plus gave mum the money for next terms school uniform. I took her and paid for it all out of my own money as I’d had her for three weeks alone as DP was working away. Was only supposed to be a week but mum said she was too busy and not home so I couldn’t drop her back.

My DP dropped her home eventually and made it clear we couldn’t help as much as we had been and next time please just pack some of the clothes we had just bought.

We were never allowed to have her again overnight. I’ve seen her four times since then and that’s over 8 years ago and I used to have her every other weekend. I’m still very hurt. My DP was really low for a long time. I am NC with all of his family nowadays to protect myself.

She’s all grown up now with a job and car so I’m hoping one day she might come and visit.

so it’s all emotional mind games, very upsetting.

If my kids were going away for the weekend I would expect to pack clothes for them. It just seems a bit lazy and thoughtless on their Mum's part.

My DD is 13. We have fully and amicably shared custody, no maintenance paid by either side for this reason, thought for school and work reasons she currently spends slightly more time at her dad's.

Her clothes, like all of her possessions, are seen to belong to her, not the house, and she freely traanports things between her two homes as and when she sees fit.

Her dad has a lot more money than me, and therefore buys the majority of her clothing I would say, though my family and I often buy her things too, as and when.

Her dad finds it challenging to buy her stuff like bras and pants, understandably, so that side falls to me generally, which is fine.

However I have recently become slightly frustrated, as their house seems like a black hole in which underwear goes to die! My mom and I spend a small fortune on knickers and bras for DD (she has some slight sensory issues and so is picky about the type of fabrics she will wear regarding these items - fair enough!). I spoke to her about it this weekend and she said she has asked her dad about this, as she too feels they disappear when put in the laundry. I wonder if he is using the wrong cycles, and wrecking and binning them....

The solutions my mom and I have come up with are:
A) to give DD more responsibility for her own laundry in both homes (she is fully capable of this).
B) that I give her an annual clothing allowance, to incentivise her to prioritise care for these items, to a certain extent. Plus it's always good to encourage independence and help them learn budgeting skills.

(Obviously if she actually runs out of both knickers and money, I will step in - but I would like her to take more responsibility if possible).

Sorry, that became a big ramble about my own situation!

If I were you OP, I would recommend to your partner that the kids take responsibility for their own clothing and are allowed to move it between houses, and that you give them a clothing allowance of whatever seems sensible. If they are anything like my daughter, they will give going shopping relatively often with friends, and are old enough to know what they need clothing-wisw, and when. I am going to give DD's in the form of Primark vouchers, as that seems to be her clothes shop of choice!

This. Just don’t do the shopping. Tell them you can’t afford it and they need to pack a bag.

When the on request shopping trips stop, I suspect so will this issue?

maybe you should downgrade your importance in looking smart? X

I havnt read all replies so not sure if this has already bern mentioned, but I would, wash the clothes that they arrive in, then put them back on them on a Sunday to return home in ...

It would be frustrating if you go out and buy new clothes never for them to be seen again. Its not a case of this house that house clothes, but the principle that ur spending good money on good clothes that u dont see again... I totally get it.

Sounds like your stepsons arrived in uniform after school on a Friday and returned to 'school' in clean uniforms on a Monday. Which is great, as the clothes u have at your home, stay at your home. I guess if they were arriving in clothes that didnt fit or were ripped etc, and u went out and bought 'new' clothes, then they went home to mums wearing the new clothes, then returned to you, again in clothes that are too small and ripped - and u didnt see the the new clothes till mths later when they were too small or ripped, i guess u would be a bit miffed too.

She is neither too soft, nor a mug. If they have the children a portion of the time, any washing required is their job not the mum's. When you are parenting, you are parenting. Putting a couple of laundry loads through EOW is hardly being used as a mug in a blended family situation.

I think posts like @Ihategin 's get too readily dismissed by the "oh MN just hates SM" throwaway comments. But the truth is the situation needs compromises, sacrifices and a lot of swallowing your own annoyance for the sake of the children. Their mum is doubtless doing the same up to a point.

Nevertheless, the OP admits their DF and DM are not on good terms. She has made plenty of negative comments about the mum's choice of clothing, snidey quote marks around clothes being "accidentally" left behind, disses about the mum's laundering, and an atmosphere of resentment and unpleasantness between the two households comes through clearly in her posts.

It is neither being soft nor a mug to try to limit all this bitterness. In fact, it is a responsibility.

The truth is, comments about households going bankrupt is exaggeration for the sake of being eristic. All that is really required are a few back-up items that could be bought from Primark for the price of a Costa coffee or two. The op could even say they were her own and offer to lend them if - if - and when the girls actually find themselves without anything to wear, which I suspect is not really that often. And it will only happen once or twice before the girls find a solution of their own.

This is essentially a mountain being made out of a molehill driven by resentment the girls get to use clothes at their mum's that were bought by the Dad.

Clothes dont belong to the house!!! They belong to the child that they were intended/purchased for!
Surely they can just bring a bag of 'their' clothes when they come to stay every other weekend and you carry on washing etc ALL their clothes that they bring.
Ask the girls what they want to do.

Are you certain it’s not the SD forgetting the clothes so they will get new clothes out of you?