Does this sound fair re: stepdaughters?

[StephEP]

SDs are 13 and 12. They live with their mum the majority of the time, only with us EOWE now through their preference, and DH pays maintenance accordingly. DH and their mum aren’t on great terms.

In the past, clothes have ‘belonged to the house’ so clothes get washed and returned. Very frequently, ‘our’ clothes go AWOL and return stained, ripped or months later, too small. I would say we buy nicer clothes for SDs but they’re perfectly adequately dressed by their mum too.

Having found last weekend that - yet again - they have “no clothes” here, I would like to suggest to them and DH that the clothes can travel freely with SDs, and we’ll take them on a couple of big shopping trips a year, and buy things like coats (we do this anyway) but they need to be responsible and bring a bag of clothes with them each time. I’d suggest we maintain a supply of pants and pyjamas and the very basics.

I had to resort to tryirmimhbyhem in whatever they arrived in. I was sick and tired of buying them nice clothes and never seeing them again.

poor kids. Stop spending more than you can afford, the girls are not trophies for you to dress up and show off.
and stop being so unpleasant about their mother, just because she’s not anal about clothing like you are. You’re throwing around all sorts of shitty comments about her but the bottom line is you choose to get nicer clothes and the girls choose to wear them. That’s got fuck all to do with their mum. This is a you problem

Just let the clothes belong to the child. If they don't bring them, they haven't got clothes, have they? They will soon learn.

I don't think this IS just about doing what is best for the children. There's a tussle with the ex at the back of it.

Maybe, just maybe there are some pretty hideous women in this world too that are prepared to weaponise their children........

To be honest, I think their ideal situation would be that we kitted out both houses, and if not, that we kit out their mum’s and they wore their oldest clothes at ours.

Yeah I agree with this. Clothes “belonging to the house” so that no one has to do much thinking or remembering to move things about sounds nice in theory and can work when they’re really little, but it won’t work for tweens and teens. They will want their clothes to belong with them.

Luckily this co incides with the age when they can be expected to pack their own bags. I agree with keeping so basics (pants socks leggings) at each house, but let the kids be in charge of what goes where over and above that.

My dd (17) has been doing similar for ages, leaving some things at each place but moving the things she wants to move - of course she doesn’t have to go anywhere she doesn’t want to, but would miss her little siblings if she didn’t go to her Dad’s.

My DS12 now also takes his own stuff he wants back and forth - he has ADHD but (possibly thanks to Scouts!) he can cope quite well with managing the clothes and stuff he wants.

Is that because their friends are all nearby? You can understand why they feel that way. But it’s very annoying for you, and you do have a right to not always be buying more and more clothes!

I said there’s no abuse or neglect. I’m sure there’s plenty of things at her house that are better than at ours. She’s not a bad mum; she has different priorities and standards, and that can make some elements of coparenting difficult.

How did you pick that up from what @Notasbigasithink said? It's not remotely linked to what she said

Let them wear whatever they arrive in. At 13 and 12 you can bet your bottom dollar their mum isn’t picking their clothes. You can’t buy gifts for people no matter what relation and then put stipulations on how they are used or where they are kept. Long term damage for your short term inconvenience. Out of interest as kid kids did they have to keep sets of toys at respective houses? If so can you imagine how damaging that actually is? Its point scoring behaviour.

Ive been the so called poor parent I am also a SP to two kids and I earn considerably more than their mum. Do I gloat? Do I frown at her choice in clothes no I don’t because I have no right to. I have the upmost respect for my SCs mother I certainly wouldn’t dream of Mum bashing on a public forum.

Yes, and I get it! If I was a teenager I’d want my best clothes at the house I spent most time at, where I saw my peers.

I don't personally see the point in having lots of clothes for EOW when money could be spent elsewhere unless it's the standard pants, socks, pjs, dressing gown, slippers etc.

I think you need to make a plan and your DH needs to speak to his Ex to go over the plan. If the SC turn up with no clothes again it's fine to have some primark t-shirts, hoodies and leggings to hand. It might be they are keeping things back because (a ) they like them to much and you might make them return them and (b) the excitement of dad taking them shopping again!

I would say though, I have an 18yr old and a nearly 15yr, 18yr old has always been amazing with her clothes. Nearly 15yrs old would pack an overnight bag and leave out a lot of out (last time was his phone charger and toothbrush) and the he regularly forgets to bring things home....front door and key and coat when he came home.

Because she was concurring with a post by OP saying the bio mum returns clothing stained, ripped etc, and she chimed in saying it happens to them with shoes.

I guess the more time children spend with a parent, the more damage will happen there, percentage-wise.

I feel liek maybe you have RTFT.

They arrive in school uniform on Fridays and go back in normal clothes on Sunday (uniform washed and packed in bag). Bornal clothes don't get returned for ages and when they eventually do, they don't fit or are bot fit for purpose.

The issue isn't who owns what clothes, or whether the kids wear clothes bought by Dad at Mums and vice versa, the issues is that the OP & her DH have to buy a new outfit for basically every visit.

The toys thing is different... its not a basic need. A kid doesn't NEED to wear toys to leave the house. Again, the issue isn't about the kids using something bought by Parent A at Parent Bs house. It's just that basic necessities are not returned (no matter who bought them or the brand etc).

Neither Parent has an endless money pot to be buying new outfits non stop.

I picked it up differently in that she meant shoes weren't returned. But again, I don't see where anyone mentioned disciplining and the OP had repeatedly said that her SDs mother is a good mother so I think you're perhaps reading out of context a bit.

Ah, yes, I see your meaning. yes I was speaking more generally with the discipline listing- but it's another common flaw attributed to bio mums on these threads. In this case, you are right, it was the stained and ripped clothing. It's weird, because I know few mothers who actually run a line in keeping their children in stained or ripped clothing. The occasional grass stain happens of course.

I have no idea what RTFT means. I feel genuinely sorry for these kids and how they’re being treated. It’s completely wrong.

RTFT means Read through the f*ING thread.

Basically the jist is that if the mum is going to refuse to return any clothes, then the girls will need to learn to pack and bring clothes with them as OP isn't an endless pot of money.

Of course they can. They can change as soon as they arrive home.

You're an evil stepmother on MN if you dare question anything that the childrens mum does......

So stop buying the best clothes.

OP you’ve had the predictable kicking from some people on here. MN HATES step mums. But in the real world, your suggestion of the children bringing stuff to and from yours is perfectly fine and reasonable. My older DC go to their dad EOW; he has clothes for the younger ones at his but eldest is v fussy about clothes so has been taking her own stuff to and fro for years (since she was younger than your SC are now). We do send back younger 2’s stuff to the ‘right’ houses but equally if they want to take stuff to and fro that’s fine. My DSD also takes stuff back and forth. She didn’t used to but we had the same problem of clothes only going one way and crap stuff coming back our way so she now brings an outfit from her mum’s to change into. All the kids are younger than your SC and all are capable of both bringing their own stuff between houses, and all know that if they forget something at the ‘wrong’ house it means they don’t have it at the other house and that’s just life 🤷‍♀️ I know MN advocates mollycoddling DC (esp DSC) until they’re ready to draw a pension but our lot have so far avoided needing intensive therapy due to the horror of having to take a modicum of responsibility for themselves 👍

In your shoes I’d just buy basics and let them wear whatever they come from mum’s in. Drop your standards - you can’t force someone to care more than they do. But I also wouldn’t be funding the nice expensive stuff for mum’s house.

It means Read the Full Thread.

I think what the OP is trying to achieve though is that actually the stepkids can bring clothes freely to and from each house... they just have to maintain a certain amount at Dads house that they don't run out?

Unfortunately it's very difficult to co-parent with some people and that impacts the kids unfortunately. But I'm sure they'd also be impacted if either of their parents ran into financial difficulty because the other parent is hoarding clothes.

The difference for your dd is that it has been her choice due to her own preference. In the case of the OP this leans towards punishing her dsc for their mum's crappy behaviour and that isnt fair.

Im a step mum twice over and a mum. I absolutely know that SMs get a rough ride in here. Sometimes it is justified but you are right that most often it is because people deliberately read a SMs post with all the negativity they can.

I'm not sure that is entirely the case here. Most people have supported @StephEP situation even if they (like me) think it is the wrong decision. There are only a handful who have used it as a SM battering ram.

Ive been a step mum and now i have the mum role on this situation. I gave up getting new things for SC and used to get bundles online and then a few nice bits, they wlways took the nice stuff home but always had clothes here. It is annoying when youre constantly replacing things but im often havinn to replace my own kids things now as they get worn out very quickly. I send a bag to Dads, they arent there that often and he's never bought the spare pjs and pants and jacket ive suggested but at least means they have stuff they are happy and comfortable in